Get off my lawn!

A local lawn company sent a solicitor to my door last week. He and I had the following exchange:

TruGreen man: Hello, I was treating your neighbors lawn today and was wondering if you might be interested in our lawn care service.

Me: No, thank you. We’re all set.

TruGreen man: Are you sure?

Me: Yes.

TruGreen man: Can I ask what you’re currently doing for the lawn to keep it healthy?

Me: Not using TruGreen. Aggressively. 

To the man's credit, he laughed.   

It should also be noted that TruGreen ChemLawn dropped the second half of its name about ten years ago, becoming simply TruGreen. According the company, the name was changed happened because:

“…one word is all you need for a great lawn. We have shortened our name to make it easier for you to remember that we are the experts of lawn care.”

Thank goodness for this blessed bit of corporate wisdom. Their exceedingly lengthy, two-word name was so tricky to remember. This new, one word name, albeit a compound word, is so much better. 

I’m sure that it had nothing to do with the implication and constant reminder (through the use of the word Chemlawn) that this company is routinely bathing our lawns and shrubs in chemicals so potentially harmful that they necessitate the planting of little yellow warning flags after each treatment warning us to keep our pets and children off the grass.

Unfair assumption #23: People who water their lawns themselves are aggressively anti-efficient and supremely uninteresting

I see it all the time. Some doofus standing on his lawn, hose in hand, watering his grass. 

Just standing there, waving his arm back and forth, spraying water on his lawn. 

Home Depot currently sells a sprinkler for $4.98. More sophisticated sprinklers can be purchased for more.

I can only assume (perhaps unfairly) that these people - almost always men - have such sad and uninteresting lives that this is the best thing that they can find to fill their time, because there is no way in hell that anyone should be standing on their lawn, watering their grass by hand. 

Something is wrong with these people.