Leave my goddamn grass alone.

I would like to propose a new man rule: Men don't comment on the state of another man's lawn.

A friend of mine came over the other day and noted that my lawn is getting rather long. I began to defend myself, explaining that I haven’t got the lawn mower out yet and it’s the beginning of the season, but then I stopped myself, realizing that only a jackass would comment negatively on another man’s lawn.

What right does any man have critique or insult another man’s yard?

Do we criticize the layout of a friend’s living room?

Do we comment on a sibling’s choice of throw pillows?

Do we mention the dust bunnies gathering in the corners of a neighbor’s kitchen?

Hell no. It’s my goddamn house, and I’ll do with it as I please.

So yes. My grass is rather long. But it’s mine, so shut up, you stupid, good-for-nothing lawn snob.