I’ve always thought that a library fine was a good thing. Unexpected income. Some librarians have disagreed. Am I wrong?

From a piece in the Hartford Courant entitled Wethersfield Library Begins ‘Food For Fines’ Program:

For a limited time, Wethersfield Library patrons can pay their overdue fines with a can of beans or a jar of spaghetti sauce.

The library's Food for Fines program, which began Monday and lasts through the end of August, donates the items to the town's food bank, Library Director Laurel Goodgion said. The library runs the program every year, she said.

"People like doing it," Goodgion said. "It gives them a way to feel good paying off their fines."

I have always been a person who doesn’t mind paying fines for overdue books. I’ve always considered it my way of supporting the library. And because I’m never borrowing a new release, the books that I borrow are presumably not in demand. No one else is waiting for them when I am finished reading. I’ve never been accused of making another patron wait for a book.

In my mind, my fines have always been favors for the library.

Unexpected income.

Some librarians have disagreed.

While I admire and respect librarians a great deal, I have run into one or two in my time who become genuinely angry when I return an overdue book. It typically occurs when the librarian attempts to scold me for my tardiness, and I respond with a smile and a comment over how happy I am to pay the fine.

One time the discussion became so heated that I stormed out of the library and charged into the restroom in the outer hallway, only to find myself standing over a half-naked woman sitting on the toilet.

Her fault for failing to lock the door on the single occupancy restroom, but had I not been so angry, I may have offered a courtesy knock before entering.

While I understand that one of a librarian’s duties is to safeguard books and other media on behalf of the general public, I have never understood the emotional response that has occasionally greeted me.

The system of overdue fines serves a purpose. If I am late in returning a book, the library (and thereby the general public) is compensated for my lateness.

And it’s not as if I’m paying a fine for speeding or failing to stop at a crosswalk, which endangers the lives of others. It’s a fine for a book that I kept for three extra days.

Can’t we be a little happy that the book is being returned along with some unexpected cash?

I’d even be happy to pay more. Increase the fines if necessary. I’m more than happy to contribute to the library. Perhaps the increased fine would increase my chances of returning the book on time. At the very least, it may give librarians a reason to smile while collecting the fine, knowing the money will support the institution that they and I love.

Am I wrong about this?

Itsy Bitsy Spider and Wheels on the Bus

When the words aren’t coming as fast as I’d like, the revision is hard and I need a pick-me-up, this is my current go-to solution.

Never took the SAT

The SAT is changing. The essay section has been made optional. The top score is being reverted back to 1600. There are no longer penalties for incorrect answers. The vocabulary will be more practical.

At the same time, the SAT is more important than ever. Companies have begun using SAT scores as part of the hiring process.

This is the time of year when my former students visit my classroom to report their scores.

Oftentimes they ask me what I scored on the SAT.

I never took the SAT. I have an Associates Degree in Liberal Arts, a Bachelor’s Degree in English and a Master’s Degree in Educational Technology, but I never took the test.

When I was in high school, I wasn’t really sure what the SAT was, and no one ever explained it to me.

My parents were not involved in my educational career. As impossible as it may seem, the word “college” was never mentioned once in our household, even though I graduated in the top 10% of my high school class, played three musical instruments, and was a district pole vaulting champion.

The expectation in our home was simple:

Graduate high school and make your own way in the world.

As a result, the SAT was never mentioned to me.

School was no better. 

For reasons that I still don’t understand, the guidance counselors at my high school never approached me about SAT or any other college planning. While my friends were constantly being pulled from class to discuss their futures, I remained behind, anxiously awaiting my turn.

My turn never came. Eventually I began to believe that I had no future. 

I wish I had done a better job advocating for myself, but coming from an impoverished home where college was never presented as an option, I knew almost nothing about secondary school.

I was unaware that financial aid existed.

I knew nothing about community colleges.

If you had asked me to name three colleges, I’m not sure that I would’ve been able to.

I knew so little about college that when my guidance counselors never called for me, I simply assumed that if you didn’t have the money, you couldn’t go to college.

I didn’t think that college was for people like me.

Eventually I made it to college. Five years after high school, I enrolled in Manchester Community College. I took two classes during my first semester and went fulltime after that.

Three years, I graduated with a degree in Liberal Arts and was offered a full scholarship at Trinity College. I attended St. Joseph’s University at the same time, eventually earning degrees from both schools.

Ten years later, I earned my Master’s Degree.

Never was I required to take the SAT. Never was I even asked for a score.

I assume that community college didn’t require an SAT score, and based upon my performance there, schools like Trinity and St. Joseph’s didn’t think that an SAT score was important.

Still, I’ve always wondered what I would’ve scored on the SAT. I hear my friends, colleagues and former student discuss their results from time to time, and I always feel left out of the conversation. I’ve never met anyone who attended college but never took the SAT. I assume that there are people out there like me, but I have yet to meet one.

I’ve also considered taking the SAT, but the time and money required seems like a waste, and at my age, I doubt that my score would even be valid.

It’s a little strange going through life missing such a universal right of passage. When I tell my former students that I never took the test, they are always incredibly envious. I remind them of how fortunate they are to be on the path to college. To know that the path exists. To know how to navigate the path and to have others helping them along the way.

I remind them that although I wasn’t required to take the test in order to get into college, I also spent five years toiling away in dead in jobs, living in my car and with a goat, awaiting trial for a crime I did not commit, and worse.

I guess I took a different kind of test.

If you haven’t seen White House Down yet, don’t. You’ve probably seen it already and just don’t realize it.

I watched White House Down last night.

I wish someone would’ve told me not to.

If you haven’t seen the film, I strongly suggest that you avoid it. Don’t be fooled by the presence of Oscar Award winners.

They were clearly fooled, too.

And you’ve probably seen the movie already, since it is nothing but an amalgamation of other movies, mostly from the mid-late 1990s.

The number of stolen scenes and tropes is astounding. 

The pitch for the movie, I’m fairly certain, went something like this:

It’s Die Hard in the White House. Actually, it’s Die Hard and Die Hard with a Vengeance in the White House, but get this: We’re also going to throw in a little Armageddon and a little Air Force One, too. Actually, a lot of Air Force One. Then we’re going to steal the ends of the movies Mission Impossible and The Rock (and I’m talking the exact endings of these movies) and insert both of them onto the movie, too, except not at the end. We’re going to use these movies’ super memorable ending moments in the middle of this movie. There’s even going to be a moment from Battleship, too, but that movie sucked, so we won’t talk about it. We’ll just steal it.

I’m sure there were stolen moments from other films, too, but I stopped paying attention when the movie got really stupid, which happened a lot.

Things You Should Do Everyday to Improve Your Life For Real: Give everyone the benefit of the doubt.

I don’t like TIME’s list of 10 Things You Should Do Everyday to Improve Your Life For Real.

First of all, I never trust a list with ten items. A round number like ten leads me to think that an item or two was added or removed in order to achieve the seemingly perfect ten. 

More importantly, the items on TIME’s list are all fairly obvious, making the list relatively useless.

Exercise.
Spend time with friends and family.
Laugh.
Challenge yourself.
Express gratitude.

This is not a helpful list. These are things that you are either doing already or already know that you should be doing.

In response, I intend to offer my own list of things that you should do everyday to improve your life for real. Rather than offering the list all at once, I will post my ideas at random intervals on this blog. They will represent lessons that I have learned over the years that have improved my life. My goal is to present items not nearly as obvious or universally known as “Meditate” (something I do) or “Get out into nature.”

Today’s idea:

Always give everyone the benefit of the doubt.

On an almost everyday basis, I encounter people who make enormous assumptions about the actions and motivations of others. More often than not, these people assume the worst of people, and this often leads to confrontation, behind-the-back conversation, embarrassment and a persistent, pervasive level of distrust and deceit.

I try to remember that everyone is the hero of their story, and in most cases, people make decisions that they believe are right and just. Rather than assuming the worst, I give people the benefit of the doubt and try to assume the best. I try to understand how and why a person might rationalize their decision in the context of doing the right or fair thing.

I find myself in the position of Devil’s Advocate quite often.

I also find myself frequently complaining to friends and colleagues that they have forced me into defending a person who I would rather not defend simply because they are jumping to conclusions and assuming the worst. Why not allow the person in question to prove or disprove their good intent rather than assuming it for them? 

Case in point:

A friend recently read a comment on her son’s report card and assumed that the teacher was attributing her son’s struggles to a failure in the home. I explained to this friend that the comment could interpreted several ways, and since it was her son’s teacher, why not assume the best of intentions until proved otherwise? Instead, this friend entered the parent-teacher conference angry and combative, only to find herself apologizing for assuming the worst. 

When you give people the benefit of the doubt, good things happen.

1. You may be proven right. Wouldn’t that be great?

2. You’ll never be in a position of having to apologize or make excuses for your false assumptions. Even worse, people who assume the worst and are proven wrong often avoid responsibility for their faulty, inimical assumptions by pointing out that they are based upon a person’s previous history. This is simply a mealy-mouthed means of demonstrating their inability to take responsibility for their own actions.

3. You will constantly be placing yourself in the shoes of others, trying to understand their motivations better. You will find yourself seeking nobility rather than villainy. The ability to parse out all the possible motives of another person is a useful skill that will serve you well in life.

4,. When you give people the benefit of the doubt, others trust you more. They come to believe that you have people’s best interests at heart. You will be viewed as a more optimistic, trustworthy person. You will have more friends,    

5. Giving people the benefit of the doubt casts the world in a kinder, gentler light. It becomes a nicer place to live.

Speak Up storytelling: Pam Murphy

Speak Up is Saturday, March 29th at Real Art Ways in Hartford. Doors open at 7:00 PM. The show begins promptly at 8:00 PM.

We are sold out! There may be some standing room tickets available, but that’s it!

This week we introduce the storytellers who you will be hearing from on Saturday night. Hope to see you there!
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Pam Murphy has worked as a Visual Arts Supervisor and an art teacher for the town of West Hartford for the past 15 years (Matt and I started the same day!). Prior to that, she was the state supervisor for all arts (theatre, music, art and dance) in New Hampshire. Pam began her teaching career in Massachusetts. Her hobbies include boxing, painting, writing and cooking. She has two teenage children. Pam’s previous stage experience includes playing the role of Julius Caesar in eighth grade.

Speak Up storyteller: Andy Christie

Speak Up is Saturday, March 29th at Real Art Ways in Hartford. Doors open at 7:00 PM. The show begins promptly at 8:00 PM.

We are sold out! There may be some standing room tickets available, but that’s it!

This week we introduce the storytellers who you will be hearing from on Saturday night. Hope to see you there!
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Andy Christie is the creator and host of The Liar Show. His writing has appeared in The New York Times, in the Thomas Beller Anthology, Lost and Found: Stories from New York and on WFUV's CityScape. His humor book, I Wasn’t Kidding: How To Commit Suicide So They'll Never Forget It, was published by Random House in the United States and the United Kingdom. Consequently his work can be found on the remainder shelves of two continents.

He is a Moth Urban Storytelling Grand Slam Champion and can be heard on their Peabody Award Winning Radio broadcast, The Moth Radio Hour.

Speak Up storyteller: Kathy Binder

Speak Up is Saturday, March 29th at Real Art Ways in Hartford. Doors open at 7:00 PM. The show begins promptly at 8:00 PM.

We are sold out! There may be some standing room tickets available, but that’s it!

This week we introduce the storytellers who you will be hearing from on Saturday night. Hope to see you there!
_____________________________

Kathy Binder makes her storytelling debut at Speak Up. Kathy left the corporate world in NYC to raise her three wonderful children in West Hartford by way of Providence, RI. When not volunteering for a number of organizations locally, she likes to challenge herself with new ventures. Having recently completed Matthew’s Dicks Speak Up storytelling workshop, taking the stage was a logical next step.

She believes that if you are not occasionally doing something that makes you nervous, you are not taking enough risks in your life. Eddie, her husband of 25 years, is her soul mate and greatest support while her three children, Evan, Aaron and Celia provide an endless supply of great story material.

Television is so much better today

My daughter heard me mention Asperger's Syndrome to my wife.

She turned to me and said, "Daddy, that's when someone has a hard time with unfamiliar situations."

Credit PBS and Arthur for that bit of vocabulary awareness.

Television today is unbelievable. The vocabulary that my daughter has learned thanks to PBS is astounding.

I spent my childhood watching reruns of Star Blazers (I can sing the different theme songs to the first and second seasons), Tom and Jerry and The Brady Bunch.

The Brady Bunch may have offered some ham-fisted lessons on morality, but none of these shows taught me a fraction of what my daughter has learned in such a short time. 

None of these shows taught me much of anything.

Sometimes I think it’s a miracle that people from my generation aren’t already being replaced by ten year-olds.

Speak Up storyteller: Lynelle Abel

Our next Speak Up storytelling event is on Saturday, March 29th at Real Art Ways in Hartford. Doors open at 7:00 PM. The show begins promptly at 8:00 PM.

There are still some tickets available, though we are expecting a sell out, so purchase them now before it’s too late. Tickets available here.

This week we introduce the storytellers who you will be hearing from on Saturday night. Hope to see you there!
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Lynelle Abel is a blue collar girl at heart and finds that her best stories come from her small town roots. She credits her keen interest in storytelling to her mother and her 7 brothers and sisters. They are the consummate story tellers – and have shaped Lynelle’s life in indescribable ways through their stories of resilience and humor in the face of incredible hardships.

Lynelle is proud of her not so picture perfect childhood – and while she and her husband went through great lengths to provide a more wholesome life for their two sons – she secretly hopes they are creating their own life stories filled with interesting people, happenings and experiences they’ve had along their journey through life. She can’t wait to hear some of their law and order stories when they are ready to disclose them…

Lynelle holds a master’s degree in Industrial and Organizational psychology and in her now adult white collar world; works as the director of Volunteer Services for Yale-New Haven Hospital and feels genuinely blessed to witness daily the extraordinary acts of kindness from ordinary people.

The Moth: Sit ups

The following is a story that I told at a Moth StorySLAM at Housing Works in New York City last summer. 

The theme of the night was Sweat. I told a story about a cruel physical education teacher and my shameful response to him.

I finished in first place.

Speak Up storyteller: Robert Fiedler

Our next Speak Up storytelling event is on Saturday, March 29th at Real Art Ways in Hartford.

Doors open at 7:00 PM. The show begins promptly at 8:00 PM.

There are still some tickets available, though we are expecting a sell out, so purchase them now before it’s too late. Tickets available here.

This week we introduce the storytellers who you will be hearing from on Saturday night.

Hope to see you there!
_______________________________
Robert Fiedler is a New York raised, Connecticut educated attorney (family law, real estate and criminal law in addition to the assorted odds and ends).

He is the husband to one and father to three. Self-employed, Robert celebrates waking up in the morning and going to sleep at night. He enjoys music, sports, theater, and embarrassing his daughter whenever possible.  

Speak Up storyteller: Phil Woods

Our next Speak Up storytelling event is on Saturday, March 29th at Real Art Ways in Hartford.

Doors open at 7:00 PM. The show begins promptly at 8:00 PM.

There are still some tickets available, though we are expecting a sell out, so purchase them now before it’s too late. Tickets available here.

This week we introduce the storytellers who you will be hearing from on Saturday night.

Hope to see you there!
_______________________________
Phil Woods was born and raised in NJ. He has six brothers and seven sisters (this honed his survival instincts). He spent three years in the Air Force in North Dakota before being kicked out. He graduated from the University of Washington in Seattle with a degree in chemical engineering.

He is married to Liz Woods, and they have three children. Since he was not fit to work with others, he started and ran Woods Restoration 20 years ago. He’s only been in jail three times. He is currently unemployed, waiting for next offer.

Thoughts on The Book of Mormon

I saw The Book of Mormon last night. I loved the show.

A few thoughts (no spoilers):
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Having now written two musicals (the latest, written for tweens, will be produced at a summer camp in July), it’s impossible to watch a musical and fully immerse myself in the story. While I loved the show, I spent the whole time analyzing its construction: the balance between song and book, the development of characters, the way in which set and scene were used to move the story forward, the opening and closing numbers of each act and much more.

At one point I was even counting time between songs.

Writing musicals has ruined me.
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As much as I loved the show, the payoff at the end was not satisfying.

Endings are hard. As someone who can’t actually decide on the end of the musical I just finished writing, I know. But the solution to the problem in The Book of Mormon (how to defeat the warlord general) almost didn’t happen. It was practically an afterthought. If you looked away for three seconds, you would’ve missed it entirely.
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Throughout the entire show, I kept thinking:

If Matt Stone, Trey Parker ad Robert Lopez they can get away with writing this flagrant, unrelenting, politically incorrect assault on The Mormon Church, just imagine what I could do if I can convince my writing partner to write the required music.

There are plenty of revered institutions that I would love to attack in song and dance.

Does the success of The Book of Mormon mean I can? 
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While I’m sure that The Mormon Church isn’t thrilled by the existence of this show, an interesting message emerged at the end of the show:

It doesn’t matter if we invent or change the details of religion as long as we are able to find faith and comfort in it.

I kind of love this message. Maybe the Mormon Church does to?

It’s difficult to understand anyone who believes in a literal interpretation of The Bible (the world is 7,000 years old, Noah actually stuffed two of every animal on Earth in his boat, you should kill anyone who works on Sunday), and the Mormon creation story not only embraces these beliefs but adds a layer that was clearly fabricated by a not-so-creative con man.

But I know many religious people who quickly abandon the specifics of their holy texts and acknowledge that they are full of fiction (and much of it regrettable) but still find faith and comfort in their religion regardless.

I admire these people.

As a person who yearns for faith but is unable to find it, the idea that a Mormon or any other religious person could acknowledge the insanity of their primary source document but still find faith in the underlying religion is a hopeful thing for me.
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Kudos to The Mormon Church for having a sense of humor and not allowing anger and hate get in the way of opportunity. I was both shocked and pleased to find The Mormon Church advertising the actual Book of Mormon in the playbill with full page ads like this:

  

She found my hat.

    

Speak Up storyteller: Robin Gelfenbien

Our next Speak Up storytelling event is on Saturday, March 29th at Real Art Ways in Hartford.

Doors open at 7:00 PM. The show begins promptly at 8:00 PM.

There are still some tickets available, though we are expecting a sell out, so purchase them now before it’s too late. Tickets available here.

This week we introduce the storytellers who you will be hearing from on Saturday night.

Hope to see you there!
_______________________________

Robin Gelfenbien has written jokes for emcee Rosie O’Donnell at The Matrix Awards where featured presenters included Martha Stewart, Rupert Murdoch and Hillary Rodham Clinton. Her original comedy songs have played on Sirius Satellite Radio and The Wiseguy Show hosted by Vinny “Big Pussy” Pastore. She’s been on VH1’s “Awesomely Badder Videos,” AMC’s “Liza Life Coach” with Cheri O’Teri, and she starred in a commercial directed by Spike Lee.

Her critically-acclaimed solo show, “My Salvation Has a First Name (A Wienermobile Journey)” premiered at the New York International Fringe Festival. As a storyteller, Robin has performed at The Moth, RISK!, Mortified, and she is the creator of the monthly storytelling series, “Yum’s the Word,” that features her homemade ice cream cakes. She also created the web series “Auntie, Do Tell” with her 72 year-old aunt, she's been featured in Marie Claire magazine, and she writes for Huffington Post Comedy. www.robingelfenbien.com. @robingelfenbien

Car seats begone!

I often tell my daughter to stop growing up, and I mean it. If I could freeze my children at this point in time, I think I would keep them this way forever. Five years old and 22 months old are pretty great ages.

Clara repeatedly reminds me that it’s her job to grow up and to stop being silly.

She’s apparently a fan of reality.

But the one thing I yearn for in terms of the future is the day when I can say, “Everyone in the car!” and the kids just pile in on their own, without any straps and three-point harnesses and enormous, plastic contraptions that double as hiding places for wandering Cheerios and the occasional toy.

When we can actually leave the house without the requisite five minutes of strapping down and buckling in our children, that will be a happy day for me.

 

A more accurate Out of Office reply

Here is my friend's Out of Office reply:

I am out of the office until 3/24/14. I shall happily reply to your message upon my return.

Shall happily reply upon my return?

This is not the man I know.

The man I know has never happily replied to anything in his entire life. He has rarely done anything happily ever.

There are brief moments of happiness when he is drinking, but even that doesn’t last long. It eventually gets ugly, especially if the Patriots are losing.

If Out of Office replies were required to reflect a person’s true nature, his would read something like this:

Why are you contacting me? Solve your own damn problem. Besides, I’m out of the office until I feel like it. Call back if you have something to say that I will care about. When in doubt, I don’t care.

A humble offer to Dunkin’ Donuts

I don’t drink coffee. I rarely eat donuts.

Even still, I’d like to humbly offer my services to Dunkin’ Donuts, a business that has six locations (no exaggeration) within one mile of my home (also no exaggeration).

I watched this commercial last night, waiting for the irony… the moment when the commercial would turn on itself and make fun of its own stupidity, except that never happened.

Someone actually wrote this, filmed it and broadcast it, thinking it was good. Thinking it would make viewers want to purchase Dunkin’ Donuts coffee. 

Dunkin’ Donuts chieftains, I promise you this:

I will write 50 commercials better than this one. Maybe 100. I realize that I am establishing a low bar based upon the mediocrity I witnessed tonight, but I will exceed that bar y a wide margin. I promise.

Make me an offer. Seriously. Make me an offer.

Awaiting the return of King of the Bed

I haven’t touched my children in two days. I miss them. I have been away from my kids for days at a time, but this is harder. I see them. I hear them. But I can’t touch them.

Yesterday my daughter gave me a stuffed lion and said, “Everyone needs to cuddle with someone, so you can use Lion until you feel better.”

As soon as I’m feeling 100%, we’re having another full-blown King of the Bed wrestling match like this one. 

King of the Bed has only three rules:

1. The only person you may ever wrestle in your entire life is Daddy.
2. You may hit Daddy as hard as you want.
3. Last one on the bed wins.