Never Have I Ever: 12 things is now 14 things, partially because I'm a jerk

Three years ago I made a list of 12 things that most people have at least tried in some what that I have never done. 

My "Never Have I Ever" list. 

I revisited the list today to see how much is still true, and it turns out that all 12 are still true today, and I've managed to add two more to the list. 

  1. Never purchased or used an illegal drug of any kind 
  2. Never purchased a lottery ticket
  3. Never tasted coffee
  4. Never smoked a cigarette
  5. Never bruised
  6. Never slept past 9:00 AM
  7. Never swore in the presence of my parents
  8. Never shoplifted
  9. Never watched an episode of The Real Housewives, The Bachelor, or anything involving Kardashians
  10. Never owned an umbrella
  11. Never used an emoji 
  12. Never taken a selfie
  13. With the exception of my wedding ring (which I don't wear), never worn a piece of jewelry
  14. With the exception of a golf watch designed to provide distance to the hole, I've never owned or worn a watch


I've never purchased or used an illegal drug of any kind because I was keenly aware at the age of 18 that I was on my own, without any familial safety net. I knew that I couldn't afford to get into the kinds of trouble that drugs can cause, because I had no one to bail me out.

I was on my own.

I also chose to avoid drug (and alcohol) throughout high school, recognizing their dangers and frankly never feeling the need to experiment.

For the record, Elysha never drank alcohol in high school either, so when people tell us that "kids are going to drink, no matter what we say or do," we scoff. I we could resist, so can they.  

Certain people are obsessed with getting me to try coffee. I resist, of course. I purposely decided to avoid coffee at an early age after seeing people "need their coffee" every morning and abhorring its complexity. The multitude of preferred temperatures, brews, flavors, sweeteners, brands, and creams make this drink just too complicated for a person who strives for simplicity. 

Also, I just don't like hot beverages.

I've since learned that New England Patriots quarterback has also never tasted coffee, so I'm not the only one. 

I can't explain why I don't bruise, but I don't. I've been with Elysha for 15 years, and she's never seen a bruise on my body. When I was 17, I nearly died in a head-on automobile collision that sent my head through the windshield and tore my legs open to the bone, but still no bruises.

It's a stupid super power, useful for nothing.  

My refusal to use an emoji is stupid. It's gone from something I thought silly years ago to me just being a jerk now. They're cute and easy to use today, but I still resist, only because I'm a jerk. 

I define a "selfie" as a photo taken of yourself by yourself. I've never taken one of these photos. I've taken photos of myself with others, and I've appeared in many photos taken by someone who also appears in the photo, but I've never taken a photo of me by me. 

This also started because I thought selfies were ridiculous (and for a while, the selfie stick confirmed this), but now I'm just being a jerk.

I don't wear my wedding ring because it's steel and can't be resized. I lost about 50 pounds after Elysha became pregnant with Clara, and the ring now slides off my finger with ease.

I should get a new one. I know.