Maybe yoga isn’t such a good idea after all.

One of my New Year’s resolutions is to give yoga an honest try.

After reading Lee Anne Finfinger’s The 10 things you’ll do once you start yoga (that have nothing to do with yoga), I’m not so sure that it’s a good idea anymore.

Here is her list along with some of my reaction.

Should I be worried?

________________________________

1.  At least once, you will force yourself to try to be vegan.

I’d starve to death within a month if I attempted to be vegan. 

2.  Your iPod will now include a heavy serving of Kirtan.

This would be reason enough to never attempt yoga.

3. You will pretend not to notice that your ass now fits in a size 6.

I don’t think this applies to me. Men’s clothing sizes actually match our  actual physical dimensions. In terms of pants, for example, I am a 33-30, meaning my waist is 33 inches and the length of my pants from groin to cuff is 30 inches.

Women use meaningless numbers like 6 or 8. When I have asked the reason behind this indecipherable numbering system, I have been told that the fashion industry uses amorphous numbers like 6 because women vary so much in shape that using actual dimensions would not be useful in determining fit.

This is nonsense, of course, since there was a time when actual measurements were used in women’s fashion. Also, a meaningless number like a 6 is not more helpful in terms of fit than actual physical dimensions.

This piece in Slate explains the history of this absurd system rather well.

Regardless, I doubt that I will have an thoughts in terms of my ass when I begin yoga.

4. You will go back to your natural hair color

Again, this does not apply to me. 

5. You’ll attempt to read The Yoga Sutras, the Bhagavad Gita, or the Upanishads while your stack of fashion magazines calls to you from the next room.

Apparently The Yoga Sutras have nothing to do with sex, and I have no fashion magazines in any room whatsoever, so I don’t see this happening, either.

6. You will take a retreat.

A writer’s retreat? That might be nice, unless it involves picnic baskets and ping pong.

7. You’ll start taking photos of yourself in yoga poses. 

This would presumably require someone to take the photograph, and I don’t see my wife helping me out.

8. You will at some point wear mala beads.

I don’t wear jewelry of any kind.

9. You will become a cheap date.

I already am.

10. You’ll get over yourself. 

This seems like the least likely outcome of all.