A more accurate Out of Office reply

Here is my friend's Out of Office reply:

I am out of the office until 3/24/14. I shall happily reply to your message upon my return.

Shall happily reply upon my return?

This is not the man I know.

The man I know has never happily replied to anything in his entire life. He has rarely done anything happily ever.

There are brief moments of happiness when he is drinking, but even that doesn’t last long. It eventually gets ugly, especially if the Patriots are losing.

If Out of Office replies were required to reflect a person’s true nature, his would read something like this:

Why are you contacting me? Solve your own damn problem. Besides, I’m out of the office until I feel like it. Call back if you have something to say that I will care about. When in doubt, I don’t care.