Children: Ready-made victims for your cruelest pranks

Three years ago, I wrote a post about a cruel prank that I wanted to play on my children someday involving a Christmas present and a lesson about remembering the value of what they receive on a daily basis.

I was criticized for the idea quite a bit.

I was also told that once I had a child, my views would change dramatically.

It’s true. My views have changed, but only slightly.

My plan was for my children to find an enormous box under the Christmas tree on Christmas morning, wrapped with an enormous bow, and addressed to all of the children.

I would tell the kids that this is the best present that they will ever receive, but that they must wait until all the other gifts are unwrapped before they open it. As they begin ripping through the other gifts, I would seek to build their anticipation over the enormous gift, referencing it constantly and encouraging them to hurry up.

Finally, the time will come to open the enormous box. I would ask them to wait one more moment while I ensure that I was ready to record the big moment. Ready at last, I would tell them to proceed and would record the tearing of wrapping paper and the struggle with the bow until the package was finally, blissfully open.

Inside the kids would find a slip of paper that read:

Food, shelter, and clothing. The best gifts of all, and given all year round.

Three years later, with two kids running around the house, my plans have altered only slightly.

There will still be a present under the tree, but it won’t be the largest or most impressive.

It will still be addressed to both kids, but I will not attempt to hype the gift in any way.

The note inside will remain the same.  

Slightly less cruel than my original plan, but amusing nonetheless. 

And hopefully less offensive to the hordes of readers who despised the initial iteration of my plan.