Name your kid after me or don’t. No middle ground.

I don’t understand people who think that naming their child after a grandparent or other relative only requires the use of the first letter in the name. “My son’s name is Mason. He’s named after his great uncle Mortimer.”

“We’re naming her Piper after my grandmother Patty-Sue.”

There are people who abide by this logic. A lot of them.

I once met a woman named Cara who claimed to be named after her grandmother, Clara. I wanted to tell her that if her parents really wanted to name her after her grandmother, they would’ve stuck the L onto her name and called it a day.

Instead they hedged their bets and honored no one.

Please allow me to go on the record as saying that if any of my future relatives or friends plan to name their children after me (and one almost did once), the child’s name had damn well better be Matthew. If they plan on naming the kid Marcus or Myron or Milroy in my honor, they might as well bestow this meaningless and insignificant honor upon someone foolish to buy into this nonsense.

Because I ain’t.