An early dismissal from daycare because of snow convinced my wife that there would be no afternoon nap today. And 99 out of 100 days, this would be true.
Then this happened.
First time for everything. Probably the last time, too.
A few readers were kind enough to send me this clip of another man, albeit fictional, refusing to be a Starbucks zombie.
He pulls it off considerably better than I ever could.
A true man after my own heart.
My wife brought my daughter to school today for a surprise visit, appearing about five minutes after the final bell had rung to end the school day.
I can’t tell you how much this reenergized me for the rest of the afternoon. A flying-leaping-death-defying hug from that little munchkin can completely change my outlook on life.
I recently read in the Harvard Business Review that Starbucks seeks to train its customers at nearly the same level as its employees. This is why a Starbucks cashier will convert my request for a medium coffee into a grande when passing the order onto the barista.
It’s not for the barista’s benefit (since everyone knows what a medium is). It’s to teach the customer to use the word grande next time. Starbucks hopes that engraining its culture into customers will increase brand loyalty. Use of the special Starbucks language is just one of the ways of doing this.
According to Starbucks, this type of training works on 95% of its customers. Only the most oppositional 5% of customers will reject this training entirely.
I am only a Starbucks customer in that I frequently purchase coffee for my wife and an occasional blueberry cake for myself.
But I am most assuredly in the oppositional 5%.
I can’t help it. I’m just jerky that way.
When trying to convince a friend who wants to lose weight that exercise (not diet) is the most important part of any weight loss plan, I explain that exercise initiates the most positive vicious circle that I know. When you begin exercising, two things happen:
Your appetite goes down.
Your energy level increases.
I didn’t believe it when I started exercising on a daily basis, but it’s true.
The reduced appetite causes you to eat less and crave healthier food, so this unintentionally and almost unconsciously contributes to additional weight loss.
In many cases, regular exercise will be enough to initiate a significant change in diet.
At the same time, your energy level increases dramatically, which sounds counter-intuitive but is nevertheless true. In addition, you sleep more soundly, meaning you are suddenly able to sleep less. This means that any time spent exercising is almost immediately recouped by a reduction in the overall amount of time spent in bed.
Can’t find the time to exercise? Start exercising. You will suddenly have the time.
Can’t reduce the number of calories consumed in a day? Start exercising and burning calories and you will eat less.
None of this sounds like it makes sense, and but it’s true.
If you are looking to lose weight or simply improve your overall health, ignore dietary changes and start with exercise.
Initiate this positive, vicious circle.
Tonight I am grateful to time zones, which are usually a pain in the ass but have been a blessing to me as Memoirs of an Imaginary Friend begins publishing around the world. Thanks to time zones, I can spend my early morning hours before work speaking to my editor and publicist in the UK and my evening hours answering questions on Australian radio.
I can spend the late afternoon exchanging emails with SEO experts in Uzbekistan and still have time to chat with my agent, who is on the west coast and is therefore still working even after I have finished dinner.
If everyone was operating on the same schedule, I don’t know how I’d ever get anything done. Time zones manage to spread my work throughout the day and night, which means I never really stop working, but it also means I can at least get the work done.
Have you ever seen a better breakfast?
One of the most important lessons I try to teach my students is the importance of admitting a mistake and possessing the moral integrity to apologize and make it right. Ask any one of my students, past or present, how I feel about mistakes, and they will tell you that the first, best and most important step in getting out of trouble with me is admitting to the error, apologizing for the action, and executing a course to correct the error and avoid repeating it again.
This is so hard for some students, and it is understandable. They are ten years old. Their egos are fragile. They have much to learn.
It is equally difficult for many adults, and this is a lot less understandable. I have watched colleagues, spouses, friends and relatives refuse to admit error and apologize, even when the person who they have so clearly wronged is someone they respect and love.
I have many, many faults. In fact, I once listed them in a post and added an addendum a few days later. I should probably update that list soon. But an inability to admit fault and apologize is not one of them. I am an expert at admitting that I was wrong. I am the king of culpability. I admit fault and apologize even when I am not quite certain that I did anything wrong.
I do not support the requested or demanded apology, for reasons outlined here (and possibly also because of my oppositional nature), but otherwise, I am an expert at both making mistakes and apologizing for them.
Admitting fault should not be difficult.
Apologizing should not be hard.
It is almost always the right thing, and yet for so many, it is so difficult.
Case in point:
The idiocy of Rick Santorum, who said this in regards to apologies yesterday:
GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum on Sunday criticized President Obama for apologizing to Afghans this week for the burning of Qurans by NATO forces at a U.S. military base. “There was nothing deliberately done wrong here. This was something that happened as a mistake. Killing Americans in uniform is not a mistake,” Santorum said during ABC’s This Week. “Say it’s unfortunate … but to apologize for something that was not an intentional act is something that the president of the United States in my opinion should not have done ... I think it shows weakness.”
I had to read this three times, because I have listened to ten year old students say almost these exact words.
“Yes, I ran into her on the playground, but it was an accident. I didn’t mean to hurt her. So why should I say I’m sorry?”
Seriously. These are the kinds of things that my students say. Sadly, they are also the kinds of things less enlightened adults who wish to become leaders of the free world say.
I didn’t mean it.
I didn’t do it intentionally.
It was an accident.
It’s not as bad as what she did.
I shouldn’t have to apologize for an honest mistake.
These are the comments of a person with a weak mind.
I cannot believe that I live in a world in which politicians criticize leaders for apologizing for mistakes. I cannot believe I live in a world in which the willingness to apologize is considered a weakness to some.
I can only hope that my students were not listening to this nonsense. I can only hope they they were playing videogames or watching cartoons or playing with fire when Santorum was being stupid, because even videogames and cartoons and pyromania would be better than listening to this lunacy.
Every day I try to instill a foundation of moral integrity and a strong sense of self in my students. I try to teach them that the easiest way to forgiveness is through truth and sincerity. I try to make them understand that apologizing does not make you look weak. It demonstrates your strength of character.
Then an idiot like Rick Santorum comes along and tries to undo everything that I have tried so hard to teach my kids.
Someone please tell that man to shut the hell up.
Most of the elliptical machines that I use at the gym are equipped with televisions. I often spend my 30-45 minutes of cardio listening to podcasts, audiobooks and music, but occasionally, AMC, Spike, FX, or even ABC Family will run just the right movie to watch while working out. And sometimes that movie will be in just the right spot when I start working out.
Today the movie was Coach Carter, the true story of coach Ken Carter (played by Samuel Jackson) and his decision to bench his undefeated high school basketball team for academic reasons.
I’d never seen the film, but I’ve seen enough sports movies to understand the formula.
Sports movies make for an excellent workout.
Even better, I began working out during the last 45 minutes of the film, which features the Dead Poet’s Society moment when the team stands up for their coach, followed by the final game of the team’s season.
Well choreographed, well scored, nail-biting hoops with more dunks, alley-oops and three pointers than in a week of NBA games.
It could not have been a better moment to step on that elliptical.
The greatest failing of the modern world is our inability to invent a Jetsons-like push-button food machine.
David Brook’s book The Social Animal makes reference to a mental condition known as koro.
Koro is a culture-specific syndrome from Southeast Asia in which the person has an overpowering belief that his penis is shrinking and will shortly disappear. Also known as shrinking penis, the syndrome is listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.
The world is such a strange and frightening place.
Mindy Kaling’s memoir Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me has a chapter that lists and explains Kaling’s 13 Rules for Guys. I liked the list immediately because of its number. Thirteen. Not ten. Not a even dozen. Not twenty. The decidedly un-round number thirteen. I never trust a list that contains a round number of items. It’s too damn convenient. It probably means that one or two quality items were left off the list or one or two less-than-worthy items were added to the list to achieve the round number.
Thirteen is a great list number. Ten is the worst.
As for Kaling’s recommendations, I currently adhere to or would be willing to adopt to most but have serious objections to a few.
For the record, Elysha supports every item on the list without reservation. She and Mindy Kaling could easily be best friends. ________________________________________
1. Buy a well-fitting pea coat from J. Crew (and get it cleaned once a year).
I could do this. I kind of like a pea coat.
2. Have a signature drink.
Does Diet Coke count?
Actually, if I’m drinking a cocktail, I like a kamikaze a lot, but this sounds like a drink for someone celebrating their twenty-first birthday. Almost never drinking alcohol makes this a tough rule to follow.
3. Own several pairs of dark-wash straight-leg jeans.
I used to know several pairs of these jeans, and then I took six inches off my waist, so I have been slowly restocking my wardrobe. Emphasis on slowly. I currently own two pairs, though only one pair is actually my size.
4. Wait until all women have gotten on or off an elevator before you get on or off.
I follow this rule unless it makes things exceedingly awkward.
5. When you think a girl looks pretty, say it and make it about her (i.e., “You look so sexy in those boots,” not “Those boots are really cool.”)
I think I do this as well, though I rarely compliment the physical appearance of anyone except my wife. This is partly because I think my wife is prettier than everyone else and partly because I am not a very visual person and fail to notice appearance. I also refrain from commenting on a student’s physical appearance, and this policy tends to bleed into the rest of my life as well.
6. Avoid asking if someone needs help in a kitchen or at a party–just start helping.
I am often the first person at the sink, ready to clean the dishes. While I’d like people to think that this is an act of kindness and politeness, it is probably the result of my years of working in a restaurant and my need to clean as I go.
7. Have one great cologne that’s not from the drugstore.
Really? I smell fine already.
8. Your girlfriend’s sibling or parents might be totally nuts, but always defend them.
Elysha feels that I do an adequate job in this regard. I was not as convinced. I tend to come down on the side of logic and reason rather than loyalty or obligation, but I’ll take her word for it.
9. Keihl’s for your skin, Bumble and Bumble for your hair.
Apparently Elysha gave me a bottle of Keihl’s when we started dating. I have no recollection of this. Nor do I think I need this product. Or any product.
I don’t even use shaving cream. Old fashioned soap works just fine.
I have no idea what Bumble and Bumble is, but I have not put anything in my hair other than shampoo for more than two decades. I don’t think I need to start now.
10. Guys only need two pairs of shoes: a nice pair of black shoes and a pair of Chuck Taylors.
I own two nice pairs of black shoes but no Chuck Taylors. I didn’t even know what a Chuck Taylor was. I own sneakers, which I wear almost every day to work simply because of the nature of my job, but I can’t see myself wearing these things.
They don’t seem to have any support and look like they would last about four seconds before falling apart. When I was a teenager, I owned an actual pair of Converse sneakers that looked a lot like these, so why would I want to start wearing a sneaker that is an imitation of something I actually wore as a kid?
11. Bring wine or chocolate to everything.
I’m more than willing to begin doing this, but wouldn’t it begin to seem a little like pandering after a while?
12. Get a little jealous now and again, even if you’re not strictly a jealous guy.
I don’t understand the purpose of this, nor does jealousy come easy to me.
13. Don’t shave your chest hair.
The vanity required in order to do something like this is beyond me.
… but it’s still freakin’ cute!
Almost without fail, my favorite moment of every day is moment I step through the door after work and hear my daughter shout “Daddy!”
Most of the time she comes running to greet me, but even when she doesn’t, the words are always enough to make every day perfect, at least for that minute.
I have a more-than-slight tendency to act like a jerk. I can be biting, sarcastic, oppositional, confrontational, aggravating, nonconforming, and disagreeable. My mother referred to me as The Instigator.
I like to think that over the years, this tendency has become less pronounced, This is because I have learned to restrain myself. I have chosen to become more civil. I try desperately to be more polite. I have made the conscious decision to not express every thought and idea that comes to mind.
This is not to say that I am the model of civility. I am probably still more outspoken, opinionated and potentially offensive than most people would prefer. I still consistently express controversial and nonconformist ideas. In many ways, these ideas are the fuel that fire many of the things that I write.
But I am a much more civil and reasoned person than I was ten years ago. I measure my words much more carefully today.
Part of this has been a natural, albeit exceedingly slow, maturing process.
Part of this has been a conscious decision on my part to choose my battles more wisely.
Part of it has been the positive influence of my wife, who is universally acknowledged to be the kindest, sweetest person on the planet (unless you cut her in line or attempt to cheat at Scrabble).
But part of it has also been my recognition that a reader’s perception of me as a person will likely impact his or her opinion of my books.
If a reader does not like the author as a person, the likelihood that he or she will not like the author’s books increases considerably, regardless of the quality of the story or the writing itself.
While this may not seem fair, it is undeniably true.
Cat Stevens taught me this.
I discovered Cat Stevens’ music more than a decade after he had recorded his final song, and I fell in love with it immediately. The folksy guitar sound and award-winning lyrics hooked me at once.
I think Oh Very Young and Peace Train are utterly perfect songs in a small, under-populated pantheon of perfect songs.
For a time, my personal theme song was Stevens’ Cant Keep It In (an homage to my inability to refrain from speaking my mind). Later, I changed my theme song to Stevens’ slightly less aggressive If You Want To Sing Out, Sing Out.
In the height of this personal adoration of his music, I learned about Stevens’ remarks supporting the fatwa against Salman Rushdie following Stevens' conversion to Islam.
These remarks, which Stevens later denied and then retracted, cast his music in a new and unfortunate light for me. A pall descended over something that I had once seen as beautiful and perfect, and though the actual songs had not changed, it seemed as if they had.
It makes no sense. If I love the music, why should the opinions of the artist make a difference to me? Great music is great music. I loved it without reservation yesterday. Why should today be any different?
But it was.
For many, and perhaps most people, their opinion of the artist will unavoidably impact their opinion of the work.
As an author, this is an important lesson to remember. We are in the business of expressing our opinions and ideas. Opinions and ideas are the capital by which we earn our living.
In my short time working in the publishing industry, I have met many authors. The great majority have been incredibly kind, surprisingly humble, and endlessly generous people.
A few have not.
And whether I intended it to happen or not, my opinion of their work changed upon learning that they were not as nice as I had once hoped.
This is not to say that authors and other public figures should be disingenuous. I believe that honesty is the most important quality in any public figure, and authors, when expressing themselves, should keep this in the forefront of their minds.
Sometimes my absolute adherence to honesty still gets me in trouble.
But tied for a close second behind honesty should be qualities like thoughtfulness, nuance, politeness, civility, and respect.
These are qualities that I was lacking a decade ago.
Though I may sometimes come close to line in terms of being potentially rude and offensive in the ideas I express, I rarely step over the line today. I may operate close to or even on the line, but there there was a time in my life when I only existed on the other side of the line.
I have since learned that Cat Stevens has been recognized by organizations around the world as a philanthropist and humanitarian. His departure from music industry led him to a lifetime of good work on behalf of children and the poor around the world. This has pleased me immensely.
Recently Stevens returned to making music under his Muslim name, Yusuf Islam. His first album was released in 2009. I purchased it immediately.
It’s okay, but not close to the greatness of his earlier work.
Is this because I cannot help but allow his comments about Salman Rushdie to taint my opinion, even after Stevens retracted them?
I’m not sure.
And therein lies the problem of acting like a jerk. It’s impossible to know if your artistry is being harmed by your jerkiness.
So don’t be a jerk.
Be honest. Be forthright. Be opinionated. Be controversial.
But be respectful and polite, too. At least a little.
Whenever we drive by construction site and machines are digging into the ground, Clara says that they are digging holes for rabbits.
It’s a cute and sweet and innocent comment, but how many homeless rabbits does this girl think there are?
Sometimes a couch and a couple pillows just aren’t good enough.
Sometimes my daughter requires a couple carefully chosen friends, a strategically placed umbrella, a well worn winter hat and her favorite red chair in order to enjoy Sesame Street.
I fear this girl is going to be extremely high maintenance.
