Resolution update: February

Each month I post the progress of my New Year’s resolutions here as a means of holding myself accountable. The following are the results through the month of February.

PERSONAL HEALTH

1. Don’t die.

So far, so good.

2. Lose 20 pounds.

I lost the two pounds that I gained in January plus one more so I’m one pound down in 2015 and 19 to go. Not a great start.

3. Do at least 100 push-ups and 100 sit-ups five days a week.

Done. I’ve added a plank every morning as well.

4. Stop drinking soda from two-liter bottles.

I didn’t drink soda from a two-liter bottle in February and have cut my soda consumption by well over half as a result. I still drink Diet Coke in restaurants, in my car, and at work, but even this consumption has been dramatically reduced as a result of the elimination of the two liter bottles.

I don’t know why, but I’m not complaining.    

5. Practice yoga at least five days a week.

I’m ready to return to the practice. Shoulder is fully healed. But I feel like I’m starting from scratch again, clueless and uncoordinated and pathetic, so I will have to meet with my teacher soon.

6. Learn to cook three good meals for my wife.

No progress

WRITING CAREER

7. Complete my sixth novel before the end of the summer 2015.

The book remains about half finished. I’m still in the process of polishing a memoir before returning to it.

8. Complete my seventh novel.

The book remains about half finished as well.

9. Sell one children’s book to a publisher.

I have three books written and ready to go. I have three new ideas that I plan to work on in 2015. We will submit one or more of these books to editors at some point soon.

10. Sell a memoir to a publisher.

The memoir is written and is being polished now.

11. Sell a book of essays to a publisher.

The book is in the hands of editors now. I await word.

12. Complete a book proposal for a book on storytelling.

Progress continues.

13. Write a new screenplay.

I’m still revising my first screenplay based upon film agent’s notes. No progress on the new one.  

14. Write 50 pages of a new memoir about the years of 1991-1993.

I have 25 badly written pages for this memoir that must be transformed into 50 good pages in 2015. No progress yet.

15. Write a musical for a summer camp

Meaningful progress has finally begin. 

In addition, the musical that my partner and I wrote last year is being produced by a local theater company, and it will eventually be brought to schools throughout the area as well. I completed revisions on the project this week, and production begins in the fall.

16. Publish at least one Op-Ed in a physical newspaper.

I published another piece in the Huffington Post last month after it was rejected by three newspapers. It actually received a great deal of attention on social media and many clicks, but again, this is not a physical newspaper.

17. Submit one or more short stories to at least three publishing outlets.

No progress.

18. Select three behaviors that I am opposed to and adopt them for one week, then write about my experiences on the blog.

My first idea: Backing into a parking spot. I rightfully assume that anyone backing into a parking spot is a lunatic of the highest order. I shall spend a week backing into parking spots and see what wisdom I can glean.

I have not begun this experiment yet.

19. Build an author mailing list.

First email sent last month, and I’m ready to send another this week. The job that I have now is twofold:

• Create engaging content that will keep readers interested in my monthly emails.
• Build my subscription base.   

20. Build a new website for matthewdicks.com

I paid a consultant to discuss the redesign of my website and other aspects of my author platform, and I’ve decided to migrate my content over to SquareSpace, which has a low learning curve and many features. That work begins this week.

STORYTELLING

21. Produce a total of eight Speak Up storytelling events.

We produced a sold-out show at Real Art Ways earlier this month, and this evening, we will be producing another sold-out show at The Mount in Lenox, MA. This is our first salon show, staged in Edith Wharton’s original drawing room, and it will feature an audience question-and-answer session after the stories and a live, interactive storytelling game that will have storytellers generating true stories on the spot based upon audience prompts. 

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22. Deliver my fourth TED Talk.

I will be delivering a TED Talk at Boston University in April. I have also pitched talks to two other TEDx events in 2015.

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23. Build a website for Speak Up.

First the author website must be finished, then this one can be built.

24. Attend at least 10 Moth events with the intention of telling a story.

I performed in a Moth GrandSLAM at The Music Hall of Williamsburg in February, bringing my total Moth events in 2015 to two.  

25. Win at least two Moth StorySLAMs.

I’ve competed in one StorySLAM so far in 2015, placing third after having to tell first. So it really doesn’t count.

26. Win a Moth GrandSLAM.

I placed second in the February GrandSLAM, which is about par for the course for me. I will be competing in another GrandSLAM in Boston in March.  

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27. Launch at least one podcast.

The MacBook Pro has arrived, complete with GarageBand, which was critical to my podcasting efforts.

I have crossed over to the dark side, at least in terms of podcasting.  

I also pitched two podcast ideas to two podcast producers in February and await their replies.

My website redesign must also be completed in order for me to launch my own podcasts.   

NEW PROJECTS

28. Pitch at least three new projects to five smart people.

I pitched one of my projects to one person in January. No further progress.

Truthfully, I’m not sure what this goal is requiring me to do (even though I wrote it). Do I need to pitch each of my three ideas to five different people? This seems excessive. What if one of those smart people convinces me that my idea is bunk? Then what?

As a result, I’m adjusting this goal to read the following:

“Pitch at least three new projects to at least two smart people.”

This makes much more sense to me.

29. Host at least one Shakespeare Circle.

Nothing scheduled yet.

MISCELLANEOUS

30. Enroll in the final class needed for certification as a high school English teacher.

No progress. 

31. Set a new personal best in golf.

So much snow. So little golf.  

32. Post my progress in terms of these resolutions on this blog on the first day of every month.

Done.

Cat Heaven snuck up on me and made me cry.

If you’re a cat lover or a book lover or a person who suffers from an ongoing existential crisis or simply a human being, Cat Heaven by Cynthia Rylant is a book that you will love as you possibly weep.

My daughter, Clara, is named after a character in The Van Gogh Café – also by Rylant – and while I love that book for obvious reasons, I love this one so much more.

I picked it up and read it to Clara before bed, not knowing what was hiding between the pages. It snuck up on me, finding a way into my heart by the third page and sending me for an emotional loop.

Rylant also wrote Dog Heaven, but I’m almost afraid to read it. As much as I love my cat, I’ve owned dogs for much of my life, and I’ve buried more than I care to remember, oftentimes as a child as the result of my parents’ atrocious disregard for their safety.

I fear that Dog Heaven may be too much for me.

Cat Heaven is a beautiful book with beautiful images by Rylant herself. Buy it. Make it the gift that you give ever cat lover you know this year.

I’ve found the next, great cereal spokesperson

Does anyone know a head honcho or an advertising executive at Cheerios?

One of these words is not like the others

My daughter asked to learn some new words tonight, so my wife went with callipygous, plethora, and personification.

Guess which one I thought was slightly questionable (but ultimately fine).

Friendship Application 3.0

Behold the newly-revised Friendship Application 3.0.

Friendship Application 1.0 is more than five years old, and Friendship Application 2.0 is three years old, so it was time for an update.

There have been instances in previous years when it seemed as if someone in my life was on the verge of becoming a genuine friend. This is all well and good, but what if the person turned out to be a Jets fan or a militant vegan or someone who watched five hours of television a day?

I’m not opposed to making a new friend, but I have standards. Thus the Friendship Application was born.

If I feel that someone is on the verge of becoming my friend, I will send an email that reads:

Dear _____________,
Over the past couple weeks, I’ve noticed that we may be on the verge of becoming friends. In order to ensure that you are proper friendship material, please complete the attached application. A score of 100 or above will indicate that this friendship can proceed.

Less than 100 and I will be forced to terminate this potential friendship.

Good luck!

It’s important to note that all current friends are grandfathered in and need not score 100 in order to remain my friends. This is merely an acknowledgement of my limited time and the value that I place on my current friends. A new friend could potentially infringe upon my already limited time with them, so it’s important to determine if the return on investment is reasonable.

Some items of note in regards to my criteria:

• The vegetarian question does not imply that I have a problem per se with vegetarians or vegans (I actually have at least two friends who are vegetarians), but considering my limitations in terms of vegetables, it makes friendship slightly more challenging in terms of finding a place where we can both eat. And I know a lot of vegans who love to talk about being a vegan, which makes me want to stab them with a carrot. 
• In asking if an applicant is a teacher, I am seeking to determine if our schedules will closely align. A teacher with the same summer vacation as me is much more valuable than someone who is working 8-10 hours a day throughout the summer months as well.
• I ask if an applicant is an author and a writer because there is a distinction. An author is published, allowing for discussion and insight into the publishing world. A writer is a person unpublished but still very much appreciated for their knowledge and engagement in the craft.
• Even though I am a Yankees fan, it should be noted that a Red Sox fan can score points based upon my recognition that this rivalry often produces interesting debates and lively banter. The same does not apply to  Jets fans, who are always annoying and downright unpleasant when discussing their teams.
• In terms of golf, you can score points for being a golfer, but actually playing on a regular basis (and therefore being available to play) is much more valuable to me. Some of my closest friends are golfers, but because they only play a couple times a year (for reasons usually associated with the demands of their job or family), it means little to me in terms of available playing partners. I considered adding a question about whether or not an applicant had to ask his or her spouse for permission to play golf, but I didn’t think that anyone who required permission would answer honestly.
• In terms of football, flag football scores more points than touch football because flag football implies a greater commitment to the game. You can also easily transition an attempt to strip a player of a flag into a full-blown tackle, often without much complaint or protest.
• My question regarding an applicant’s weekend wake up time seeks to determine his or her availability. I have friends who profess to love golf, for example, but are unwilling to get out of bed at 5:30 AM on a Sunday in order to play. The earlier you get up on the weekend, the more likely you are available for early morning activities. Some of my closest friends will routinely call or text me at 6:00 AM on any given day, knowing that we are always awake at that hour.
• The question about the all-nighter seeks to determine a person’s sleep tolerance. I am often in search of friends who are willing to stay up exceptionally late in order to attend a Moth event in NYC, a Monday night football game in Foxboro, MA, or even an all-night activity like the Williams Trivia Contest at Williams College in Williamstown, MA. There are few people willing to sacrifice sleep in exchange for attending one of these memorable events. I am always in search of more.
• In terms of martial state, unmarried is preferable to married simply because there are fewer demands on a person’s schedule and greater availability.
• The number of hours per day that an applicant watches television is an indication of the probability of the applicant summarizing the plots of TV shows and the dearth of meaningful moments in an applicant’s life.
• Similarly, a childless person is preferable to one with kids because of his or her increased availability, but having children similar in age to my own children is also helpful and can score you points.
• The number of Supreme Court justices that a person can name is shorthand for an applicant’s knowledge of politics and current events, which is crucial in any meaningful conversation.
• A long distance runner spends insane amounts of time running, so availability is often compromised. Also, I think long distance runners are a tiny bit insane.
• Living in NYC is an asset, as I love the city, am there often, and am constantly looking for company.
• An applicant’s skill level with home repairs is an asset to me, who can’t fix a damn thing. But an inability to conduct basic household repairs does not impede your chances at friendship status. Similarly, an applicant skilled in the technological realm is a potential asset, but having no knowledge or understanding of technology is a disadvantage because it is likely that the applicant will be hindered in some regard or constantly asking inane questions.

I won’t be reading my novel to my children. For a damn good reason.

My son asked me to read my novel, Unexpectedly, Milo, to him.

"Too long," I told him. "No pictures. Let’s find something else."

It also has an awkward and explicit sex scene in it (which I didn't bother to mention), so I think he'll be reading that one on his own some day.

I have illogical affection for this.

5 questions about the third line of James Taylor “Fire and Rain,” which will likely plague me until the end of days.

The first lines from James Taylor’s song Fire and Rain confuse me.

Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone.
Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you.
I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song,
I just can't remember who to send it to.

Put aside the first two lines, which are confusing in their own right, and the fourth line, which is also slightly baffling. I’m interested in the third line, where Taylor says that he wrote the song ‘this morning.” It raises a number of interesting questions.

This may get a little complicated. See if you can follow:

1. Did Taylor actually write that line on the day that he wrote the song? Did he really walk out on the morning in question and write this song?

2. If he wrote it on the morning in question, did he then insert the line, which is the third in the song, into the song after writing the rest of the song? Or did he write the third line as the third line, indicating in the past tense that he had written a song this morning even though he was only three lines into the song at that point?

3. Is the line unauthentic? Did Taylor actually write this song at some other time rather than on the specific morning mentioned in the song? Is the mention of writing the song just part of the fantasy of the song, written only for the purposes of the narrative?

4. If the third line is inauthentic, why say it at all? Does this falsified timeline within the song really add anything to the song?

Here’s the most confusing of the questions:

5. If the line isn’t meant to be authentic, are we to then believe that James Taylor is singing these words, or is the songwriter referenced in the song someone other than James Taylor? Is Taylor writing and singing about a different singer-songwriter who has supposedly written the song, and if so, while performing the song, are we supposed to understand that Taylor is merely playing the role of that singer-songwriter, even though he also a singer-songwriter?

Did you follow?

More importantly, are you as disturbed about these questions as me?

Four things to consider before dating a coworker: An office romance with my future wife.

Jackie Zimmerman of Time’s Money section writes about four things to consider before dating a coworker.

The last coworker who I dated was my wife. When we started dating back in March of 2004, she was teaching in a classroom one door down from mine. A friend and colleague now teaches in Elysha’s old classroom, and though Elysha’s been gone from that classroom for more than five years now, I still think of it as ‘Elysha’s room.”

I still leave school almost everyday through that classroom’s outer door, even though it often means going out of my way to do so. Before I push that door open and step out onto a wooden ramp, I always pause and purposefully recall something about those days long ago when Elysha and I worked together and spent so much of our time side by side.

I remember so I won’t forget. I remember because I was one of the best times of my life. I remember because it makes me smile every time even though is also often makes me sad, too.   

Some couples could never work together. Many couples, perhaps. Elysha and I loved working together. It made my days brighter and better. I’m always hopeful that someday, we may be able to work together again.

In reading through Zimmerman’s four suggestions, it looks like Elysha and I did well when we dated (and married) as coworkers.

1.  Avoid Getting Involved with the Wrong Person

Zimmerman’s suggestion pertains to dating people in positions higher up the corporate ladder. Though I always thought of Elysha as unattainable in every sense of the word, we were both teachers when we started dating, with no power over each other.  

2.  Know Your Company’s Policy Before the First Date

Before I dated Elysha, I had dated another colleague at the school and had already checked with my principal to be certain that there were no policies against it. He told me to make sure that if things didn’t work out, we ended our relationship amicably.

Not exactly a policy, but a good suggestion.

Thankfully, I have always been highly skilled at ending relationships. I’m friendly with almost all of my ex-girlfriends. In fact, the colleague who I dated before Elysha remains friends with me to this day, and in July, I will be the DJ at her wedding.

Still, I thought it was important to keep my principal informed when I was dating someone at work, so on April 1, 2004, as he crossed through the school auditorium, I told him that I was dating Elysha.

“Ha ha,” he said. “April Fools.”

“No, we’re really dating,” I said. “I’m serious.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” he said, walking across the auditorium and out the door. “You and Elysha dating. Right.”

I have no idea when he realized that I wasn’t joking, but he was the person who married us two years later.   

3.  Consider the Worst-Case Scenario

Zimmerman suggests that you take careful stock of the person you are considering dating. If you break up, is this someone you can trust? Someone who you want potentially influencing your career? Could you still work together afterwards?

Honestly, this wasn’t even a consideration when Elysha and I began dating. She practically moved into my apartment immediately, and three months later, we had an apartment of our own.

Six months after that, we were engaged.

Even before we started dating, on one of those late night phone calls that people who are falling in love tend to have, she told me that if we ever started dating, she knew that we would never break up. 

A bold move, I thought at the time. And my heart soared.

I had also known Elysha for almost two years before we started dating. We began as colleagues and eventually became friends. Close friends. So I knew her well. I knew we would never break up, but I also knew that if the unthinkable happened. we could remain friends.   

4.  Remember that During Business Hours, Work Comes First

Despite one lunatic claim that this wasn’t the case, Elysha and I always took our jobs seriously and never placed our relationship ahead of our responsibilities. When you’re a teacher dealing with students and their futures, this is not hard to do.

That said, it doesn’t mean that our romance didn’t find ways into the workplace. I purchased her engagement ring online with a committee of fellow teachers after work one day in a first grade classroom. I plotted my proposal with a colleague in the office of our curriculum specialist. I was known to leave her notes on her desk during my lunch hour, and at least once, I sent three dozen roses to her classroom.

One dozen per hour for three hours.

We kept our relationship a secret from our students for quite a while, but one day, after Elysha’s students saw a fairly innocuous note from me on some chart paper, one of them asked, “Are you and Mr. Dicks dating?”

She admitted it. Happily. Over the course of a school year, your students become as close to you as any of your friends or family. At least that’s the way it’s always been for us. Letting them in on our secret was so much fun.

Emergency and Evacuation Plan maps should not be designed to produce panic

Just a thought, but perhaps your Emergency and Evacuation Plan map shouldn’t indicate your present position in an amorphous speech bubble that seems to engender a sense of flame, heat, and panic, and shouts the three words with the use of an exclamation point.

The message should be: “You are here.”

This one reads: “AH! You are here! Right next to the fire! The heat! The flames! The humanity! You’re all going to die!”

 

You’re allowed to sound this bad when you’re this cute.

If you want to deny homosexuals the same rights as heterosexuals, you are evil.

After reading about the doctor who refused to treat a six day-old baby because the parents were lesbians, my first thought, which I tweeted alongside a link to the piece from Slate, was this:

Evil scumbag.

And so I starting thinking:

Do I really believe that? Are the bigots who deny or wish to deny homosexuals the same rights as heterosexuals inherently evil?

I think they might be.

Racists are evil. Right?

Denying children of color the same educational opportunities as whites simply because of the color of their skin is evil.

Imposing the death penalty on a person of color while imposing a prison  sentence on white defendant who is guilty of the same crime is evil.

Refusing to hire a person for a job because of the color of their skin or paying them less than a white applicant of equal ability is evil.

Slavery was evil. Apartheid was evil. Jim Crow was evil. Denying any basic human right or equal access to privileges afforded to the majority based upon the color of a person’s skin is evil.

Right?

I think the same probably applies to discrimination based upon sexual preference.

Denying a person the ability to adopt a child or receive medical treatment or marry or worship in a public place or benefit from legal protections afforded to heterosexuals simply because of their sexual preference is not only ignorant and cruel, but I think it’s probably evil, too.

No, I’m sure it’s evil.

There are people – including the evil scumbag doctor who refused to treat the infant – who will cite religious reasons for their discriminatory beliefs, but I have read the Bible cover to cover three times and know that these people – or at least the Christians – are simply cherry-picking the parts of Scripture most convenient to their belief system. The New Testament alone is enough to contradict the Biblical admonitions against homophobia. But even if you ignore Jesus’s command to “Love thy neighbor” or his warning to “Let him without sin cast the first stone,” the hypocrisy required to discriminate against homosexuals while still allowing adulterers and anyone who works on Sunday to continue to live negates any excuse for discrimination based upon Biblical doctrine.

The Biblical excuse for homophobia and discrimination is nonsense.

No, I think discrimination of any kind against homosexuals is evil, and anyone engaging in this behavior or supporting those who engage in or defend in this form of discrimination are evil, too.

Does their evilness rise to Hitler-like levels? Of course not.

This is not to say that these people are not wonderful parents and beloved colleagues and gentle souls who bring warmth and light to the world in many respects, but their desire to deny people basic human rights based upon their sexual preference is evil.

It’s time we start calling it what it is. If logic and reason and common decency isn’t enough to convince these bigots to change their minds and afford equal rights to all people, maybe shame will do the job.

Maybe the label “evil scumbag” will do some good.

Just when you think that the boy is being dragged around by the girl, he asks the question that breaks my heart.

Stephen Fry explains what he would say if he was “confronted by God” and nearly knocks the interviewer out of his seat.

Regardless of how you feel about Steven Fry and his position on the Catholic Church and faith in general, you have to admire this answer on purely rhetorical grounds. It’s structured beautifully.

 

But my favorite part is the look in interviewer Gay Bryne’s face at two or three points during this two minute video.

Appalled is probably the best way to describe it, but even that doesn’t seem to do it justice. He seems to almost knock Bryne right out of his chair by his words. 

This is not a telephone, so how does my son know that this was once a telephone?

My wife sent me this photo of my son from a recent visit to a children’s museum.

Yes, my family gets to go to children’s museums during the week while I slave away in the mines.

When I saw the image, I couldn’t help but wonder how Charlie understood how to use this device. It’s so unlike any telephone that he has ever seen in his life. The rotary dial, the cord, the immobile base, and even the separate, oversized, oddly shaped handset are all foreign to him.

Yet there he is, holding it to his ear, pretending to make a phone call.

Then again, I’ve also seen my son pretend to make phone calls using bananas and shoes, so perhaps imagination has a lot to do with it.

Yet somehow bananas and shoes more closely resemble the phones that Charlie has seen than this thing. Think about it:

• Bananas and shoes are the same shape as our cordless phone.
• Bananas and shoes are portable, like every phone Charlie has ever seen.
• Bananas and shoes have no cords dangling from them.
• Bananas and shows have no finger wheels affixed to them.
• Bananas and shoes have no numbers on their surfaces, which our iPhones don’t have, either. To Charlie, most of the phones that he’s ever seen have clear, black surfaces. He’s probably never even seen an the number pad on any iPhone. 

I have to assume one of two things:

1. Somehow the ancient, rotary phone has insinuated itself into human genetic code.
2. My son is a genius.

It’s easy to criticize what people do. It’s often what people don’t do that matters more, yet these inactions are often ignored. So leave me alone, you inactive, moronic toadstools.

I was recently sitting at my desk in my classroom, drinking a Diet Coke while correcting papers. A colleague walked in, and as we wrapped up our conversation, she commented on the soda that I was drinking.

“You know, Diet Coke really isn’t good for you. You drink way too much. You should think about switching to something healthier.”

“Thanks,” I said. “I’ve actually cut back on soda quite a bit since the beginning of the year.”

My tone was warm. My response was benign. But beneath my calm exterior, I was annoyed. Completely and thoroughly annoyed. Here’s why:

People find it exceedingly easy to criticize a person for action taken but rarely consider the reverse.

Yes, I drink Diet Coke. And yes, despite the Food and Drug Administration's approval of this product and its 33 year history of consumer consumption without any apparent links to leprosy or tuberculosis, carbonated beverages – and Diet Coke in particular – is poison in the minds of many people.

I understand that water is probably better for me than Diet Coke, but that doesn’t mean that Diet Coke is going to kill me. Just like the coffee and alcohol that most people consume on a daily basis  (and I do not) probably isn’t going to kill them, either.

Nevertheless, I’m also able to see that too much of almost anything can be bad. Recognizing the excessive quantity of soda that I was drinking in a given day, I chose to cut back. As part of my New Year’s resolutions, I have almost completely stopped drinking Diet Coke in my home. As a result, I’ve cut my soda consumption by more than half, and other than the nights when we are eating pizza or pasta for dinner, I rarely miss it.

But here’s the thing:

I happen to know for a fact that the woman who commented on my soda consumption does not exercise. She doesn’t jog or play a sport or belong to a gym. Other than the occasionally stress-filled work situation, she may never elevate her heart rate beyond a resting position.

Yet how often does someone criticize or even express concern for her lack of physical activity? Almost never is my guess because it’s almost impossible to comment on something that can’t be seen. Unless you followed this person for a week, peering into windows of her home at all hours of the day, you would never know that she lives a relatively sedentary lifestyle.

But my Diet Coke consumption? That’s obvious. The soda is in my hand. On my desk. Stuffed in my refrigerator. It’s easy to comment on my soda consumption because you see it. It’s a positive action.

So people comment on it and criticize it all the time.

But who is living a healthier lifestyle?

The person who exercises on a treadmill or elliptical machine for 45 minutes at least four times a week, does push ups and sit ups every day, practices yoga (poorly) and meditates every morning, and plays golf and basketball and runs in the non-winter months. And drinks Diet Coke…

… or the person who restricts herself to water and all natural juices but does not exercise in any way?

If you don’t think that my lifestyle is probably healthier (and you should), can we at least agree that it’s too close to call?

I’m often criticized for my eating and drinking habits. The lack of vegetables in my diet. My somewhat limited palate. My choice of soda over every other beverage.

But I also know that I’m being criticized by people who never exercise. Who watch 30 hours of television each week. Who haven’t read a book in ten years. Who can’t name the three branches of government. Who spend hours on hair and nails and makeup but not a single minute maintaining a healthy heart. Who can name every member of the Kardahian family but don’t know the name of even one of their state’s Senators or a single member of the Supreme Court.

 

It’s so easy to criticize the overt, public actions of a person, because it’s what we can see. We can point and frown and criticize.

But it’s often the things that people don’t do – their inaction and underlying stupidity – that ultimately mean more but go unnoticed because they are not conveniently wrapped in a plastic bottle or red label.

13 thoughts upon seeing my son trying to be cooler than me.

I walked into the living room and this is what I saw.  

The thoughts that instantly ran through my mind:

• Who the hell does he think he is?
• This dude is a little too relaxed.
• Is this the way a two year-old is supposed to be watching Little Einsteins?
• Who the hell does he think he is?
• My son might already be cooler than me.
• There’s no way in hell that my son is going to ever be cooler to me.
• Who taught him to sit like that?
• Is this what “chillin’ like a villain” looks like?
• Did he arrange that pillow like that or find it that way?
• Who the hell does he think he is?
• Honestly, I could not look as cool as he does sitting like that.
• How did this happen?
• Who the hell does he think he is?

My daughter wished me luck before my most recent Moth GrandSLAM performance then promptly retracted it.

I received this incredibly sweet but slightly parroted message from my kids just before I took the stage in Brooklyn to compete in my tenth Moth GrandSLAM last week.

When I saw my daughter the next day, she asked how I did.

“Second place.”

“Again?” she asked. In ten GrandSLAMs, I’ve only won once and finished in second place seven times. Apparently my six year-old daughter is aware of this. She shook her head in disgust.

“I don’t know why I wish you good luck.”

The fallacy of private criticism and the mistake teachers often make when assigning consequences

There is a phrase that has become popular in teaching:

Praise in public. Punish (or criticize) in private.

I think this depends upon a lot of factors, and especially the climate and culture of the classroom. If a teacher is adept at bringing the class together as one big family, or a particular class has come together on their own, then much more can be said in the open.

If there is trust and love in a classroom, then most things can be said out in the open.

It’s also important to remember that private rarely remains private. The notion if private is oftentimes a farce.

One of the biggest mistakes that teachers make is not allowing a student who they are reprimanding to maintain his or her dignity. Criticizing in public is often perfectly fine if the student does not feel isolation or shame in the process. Creativity, flexibility, and a willingness to subjugate one’s ego are often required in order to reprimand a student without losing that student’s trust and respect.

Consequences are important. Self esteem is, too.

Novelist Jose Saramago quit writing in 1953. Part of me wants to reach back in time and hug him. The other part wants to smack him.

Nobel Prize winning novelist José Saramago submitted the manuscript of Skylight – his first – to a Lisbon publisher in 1953. Receiving no response, Saramago gave up fiction altogether. His wife says that her husband fell into a "into a painful, indelible silence that lasted decades."

Saramago returned to fiction in 1977 and would eventually write more than 20 novels before his death.

In 1989, having published three novels, he was at work on a fourth when the publisher to which he had sent Skylight wrote to say that they had rediscovered the manuscript and it would be an honor to print it. Saramago never re-read it and said only that "it would not be published in his lifetime."

His wife published the book in 2014 after his death in 2010.

When I first heard this story, I felt great sympathy for Saramago. A publisher ignores his manuscript, not even bothering to decline the work, and an author loses 25 years that could have been spent writing. By all accounts, his first manuscript was excellent, and the book has received rave reviews, so it’s not as if Saramago needed the 25 years for his talent to germinate. He was already brilliant in 1953.

He simply lost a quarter century of work.

That sympathy for Saramago lasted for about ten seconds, then I was reminded of all the authors I know whose first, second, third, fourth, and even fifth manuscripts were turned down by literary agents and publishing houses. Yes, as far as I know, all of these people at least received some kind of response from the entities that received their work, but still, I know authors who struggled for decades with rejections before finally breaking through.

Saramago was ignored once and decided to quit. He took his toys and went home. 

My second reaction was decidedly less sympathetic.  

I’ve read four of Saramago’s books, including Blindness, which won the Nobel Prize in Literature and caused my wife to weep for a week while reading it. I’m not much of a fan of his work. I think he was an exceptionally talented writer, and I have enjoyed his stories a great deal, but Saramago forgoes the use of chapters and paragraphs almost completely in his books. His sentences can run on for more than a page. He goes pages and pages without the use of a period, preferring instead to use commas. He doesn’t use quotations marks to delineate dialogue. In Blindness, he stopped using proper nouns completely. I can’t stand any of it. I think it demonstrates a complete disregard for the reader and an unnecessary barrier to his stories.  

Still, a small part of my wishes I could reach through time and tell him to strengthen his resolve and try again rather than waiting for 25 years before writing again. I want to hug him and tell him that it will be alright.

Another part of my wants to smack him for acting like such a fool and not having the courage to stand up and demand acknowledgement.

Ironically, my friend, who has read Skylight, reports that Saramago was not using long sentences when he wrote it in 1953. Perhaps if he had found success with the book, he would’ve continued to write more conventionally and found a wider audience.