Speak Up Storytelling: Matthew Dicks

On episode #43 of the Speak Up Storytelling podcast, Matthew and Elysha Dicks talk storytelling!

In our followup segment, we talk about a moment on a Moth GrandSLAM stage and a moment in a classroom that unearth two potential stories.

Then Elysha departs, and we listen to Matthew Dicks's story about an unusual late night walk with a friend. 

After listening, we discuss:

1. The best place and most effective way of beginning a story

2. The importance of beginning and ending a story well

3. Choosing appropriate backstory and the most effective way of presenting it in a story

4. Strategies for preserving surprise in a story

5. Volume and pacing during a performance

LINKS

Homework for Life: https://bit.ly/2f9ZPne

Matthew Dicks's website: http://www.matthewdicks.com

Matthew Dicks's YouTube channel:
https://www.youtube.com/matthewjohndicks 

Subscribe to Matthew Dicks's weekly newsletter: 
http://www.matthewdicks.com/matthewdicks-subscribe

Subscribe to the Speak Up newsletter: 
http://www.matthewdicks.com/subscribe-speak-up

This is underwear

Elysha sent me this photo yesterday with a message that read:

“Taking the liberty of throwing these away, honey.”

I want to go on the record as saying that:

1. It took me a moment to identify this photo as underwear.

2. I swear that my underwear did not look like that when it entered the washing machine. My underwear as clearly engaged in a washing machine rumble of sorts.

3. Even if Elysha’s underwear looks as damaged as mine, I would not have thrown them away without her permission because I’ve ruined too much of her clothing already to take any chances.

4. I was pleased to see that Elysha was folding my laundry, though I also know that so did so only to clear a path for her own laundry.

5. Underwear is a weird word. Elysha can rightly say that she’s throwing away “these” even though she’s only throwing away a single item, or she could’ve said that she was throwing away “a pair of underwear” even though there’s nothing about underwear that would cause you to see them as two of anything.

Storytelling in the Classroom

This week I was featured in Thom Gibson’s podcast “Storytelling in the Classroom” along with friend and storyteller Jeni Bonaldo. I discuss the ways I integrate storytelling into my school day, and both Jeni and podcast host Thom Gibson tell stories to their students, and I offer a critique of both.

You can listen to the podcast wherever you get your podcasts or here on YouTube:

Life!

Hope springs eternal!

After the tragic death of our crocuses last week at the hands of the little girl next door, Charlie discovered a single crocus emerging from the earth yesterday afternoon in the same spot as last week’s floral massacre.

It appears that she didn’t kill them all.

At least one more was waiting to emerge from the frozen ground.

It made us both so incredibly happy.

I lost The Moth GrandSLAM on Tuesday night. This is how I feel about losing.

On Tuesday night, I competed in a Moth GrandSLAM at the Cutler Majestic in Boston.

It was my 25th GrandSLAM championship since 2011, but no matter how many of these championships I compete in, the GrandSLAM never gets old for me.

It’s my favorite storytelling show by far.

I told what I thought might be the best story I’ve ever told at a Moth GrandSLAM or any story slam, but when the scores were tallied at the end of the show, I had finished in fourth place.

For a person who is exceedingly competitive and possibly obsessed with winning, I was surprisingly fine with my fourth place finish, for two reasons.

Two years ago, at a GrandSLAM championship in New York City, I drew the first spot in the show, which makes it almost impossible to win. As great a story as you may tell, recency bias will doom your chances every time. I’ve won from first position at two Moth StorySLAMs in my life, but the quality of stories in a Moth GrandSLAM make this highly unlikely if not impossible.

In fact, telling a story in the first half of a show makes it hard to win at a Moth GrandSLAM.

After drawing the #1 from the hat, I started pacing around the stage, angry and annoyed. Muttering under my breath. Snarling.

In short, I was acting like a jerk.

Thankfully, Elysha was with me that night in New York. She pulled me aside and said, “This is your 20th GrandSLAM. You’ve won six of them. For most of these people, it’s their first GrandSLAM ever. Probably the biggest stage they’ve ever performed on. Maybe their only GrandSLAM ever. So how about you stop acting like a jerk and just be grateful to be here.”

She was right. It was exactly what I needed to hear.

Ever since that night, I’ve approach every one of these championship competitions with an open heart. Remarkably, I’ve stopped obsessing over winning.

I wish I could say the same for The Moth’s open-mic StorySLAMs. I’ve won 39 of them, so I shouldn’t obsess so much over winning them either, but winning a StorySLAM gains me entry into the GrandSLAM, which I love so much. So winning the StorySLAM remains important to me.

It gets me something I want.

But not the GrandSLAM. Instead of focusing on winning, I focus on having fun, telling a great story, and assisting my competitors whenever possible. If it’s their first or second time on a GrandSLAM stage, I always take a few minutes to advise them on the tricks and techniques that I’ve developed over the years to tell a story to a theater of 1,000 people. I try to ease their nerves, make them laugh, and allow them to relax enough to do their best.

Elysha was right. I should be grateful to be able to stand on that stage and tell a story, and I am.

Even better, the winner of Tuesday night’s Moth GrandSLAM was one of my storytelling students. She had spent a weekend with me at Kripalu in 2018, and the story she told on Tuesday night to beat me was a story that I had workshopped with her months ago.

In fact, I had three former storytelling students in the cast with me on Tuesday night. All three had gotten their start in storytelling in one of my workshops, and one them, Tom Ouimet, a brilliant storyteller has graced the Speak Up stage many, many times.

This also wasn’t the first time that a former student has beaten me in a StorySLAM and GrandSLAM. It’s happened several times, and I’m sure it’ll happen again. It’s also not the first time that I helped to craft and revise a story that was later used to defeat me.

As a teacher, this makes me very happy.

So I finished fourth on Tuesday night. I told a story about my lifetime struggle for faith and a moment of transcendence in a hot dog line at a minor league baseball stadium. I told the story from fourth position - not a great spot in the lineup - but I’ve won Moth GrandSLAMs from the second and fourth position in the past, so it’s certainly possible.

It really might be the best story I’ve ever told in a GrandSLAM.

But I didn’t win. That’s okay.

I saw some old friends. Made some new ones. Spoke to audience members who loved my story. I even signed six copies of my book Storyworthy during intermission, brought to the show by audience members who knew I was performing.

It was a great night. I was grateful to take the stage. I was thrilled to watch my students perform. I was honored to hear all of the amazing stories told that night.

Winning would’ve been nice, but it’s not the most important thing anymore. Not by a long shot.

My students are ruining my chances at greatness

A 2017 study found that working near people who are good at their job makes you more effective at yours.

Sitting within 25 feet of a high performer at work improved a given worker’s performance by 15 percent, while sitting within 25 feet of a low performer hurt their performance by 30 percent. 

Role models, it would appear, are very important.

But what does this mean for me?

I’m a man who spends his workday within 25 feet of two dozen fifth graders at almost all times.

Two dozen 10 year-old children who can sometimes perform at a high level but can also spend enormous amounts of time staring out windows, watching pencils roll down their desks, and doodling the image of a pig’s head hundreds of times on dozens of post-it notes.

These are kids who jam important papers into the far reaches of their desk never to be seen again, somehow lose library books on the 50 foot walk from library to classroom, and can struggle getting water from the drinking fountain to their mouth without somehow making a puddle on the floor.

Even when they’re performing at their highest level, it’s not like our optimal levels are commensurate in any way.

I’m worried. I think my students are bringing me down. Hurting my chances at future success. Decreasing my productivity.

And this has been going on for two decades…

I deserve hazard pay.

Just imagine what I could’ve been if not burdened by hundreds of inefficient, disorganized, distraction monsters over the years.

Spring! Then murder.

Spring has sprung!

Every March this tiny patch of crocuses bloom in our front yard. It's the first sign that winter is finally in the rearview mirror and warm and sunny days are ahead. 

On Sunday the crocuses finally appeared. Tiny, purple and orange bursts of life from an otherwise cold, lifeless ground. We were thrilled. We treasure these little flowers so much. 

Ten minutes later, while our backs were turned, the little girl next door ripped them the flowers from the ground and left them lying in a pile on the dead grass like trash.

She didn't know how much these little flowers mean to us. It’s not her fault.

Still, my children and I were upset. We really love this patch of purple and orange gold.

But I often while teaching storytelling that what’s bad for you in real life is often good for the story. Or as I’ve heard my friend, Catherine Burns of The Moth often say:

“You either have a good time or you have a good story.”

You can bet this moment made it onto my Homework for Life, and it's probably storyworthy as well. 

Amusing. Surprising. Joyous. Plus a little anger and some sadness and grief. 

Good material to start a story. Maybe not a story worthy of the stage (though you never know), but entertaining nonetheless.

Speak Up Storytelling: Ted Zablotsky

On episode #42 of the Speak Up Storytelling podcast, Elysha Dicks and I talk storytelling!

In our followup segment, we read a heartwarming email from a listener about Homework for Life and our new favorite review from a listener.

In our Homework for Life segment, we talk about how storyworthy moments can often be identified by finding moments in our lives that cause us to ask big questions and express controversial ideas. 

Next we listen to Ted Zablotsky's Voices of Hope story about returning to his father's hometown decades after the Holocaust.  

Voices of Hope is an organization dedicated to preserving the stories of the Holocaust, and we partner with this organization to help the children and grandchildren of Holocaust survivors tell their stories. 

After listening, we discuss:

1. Telling stories about other people through the lens of your own story

2. The effectiveness of telling your story in scenes

3. The power of a subtle ending

4. Remaining within the moment of a story at all times and not projecting forward

Finally, we each offer a recommendation.  

LINKS

Homework for Life: https://bit.ly/2f9ZPne

Matthew Dicks's website: http://www.matthewdicks.com

Matthew Dicks's YouTube channel:
https://www.youtube.com/matthewjohndicks 

Subscribe to Matthew Dicks's weekly newsletter: 
http://www.matthewdicks.com/matthewdicks-subscribe

Subscribe to the Speak Up newsletter: 
http://www.matthewdicks.com/subscribe-speak-up

RECOMMEDATIONS

Elysha:

• Spotify's "Bluegrass Covers" playlist

Matt:

• Aaron Sorkin's Masterclass

Why you should not complain about the common core

Occasionally I will meet an adult who has somehow been convinced that America’s “common core” curriculum is rubbish. They look at the way that their child is solving a math problem, fail to comprehend the method or rationale that their child is using, and therefore assume it’s stupid.

It’s more than likely that the adult in question is stupid. At least in that particular moment.

In defense of the common core, I always say the following:

First, the curriculum that you were taught was different than your parents’ curriculum, too. And your parent’s curriculum was different than their parents’ curriculum. Curriculum is constantly evolving. Always changing. The previous generations of Americans were simply smart enough to avoid politicizing something that is better left to the experts.

They didn’t allow idiot pundits to change their mind about something they know almost nothing about.

So shut up about the way you were taught to do things. Your parents probably thought the same thing about the work you were doing in school. It didn’t make sense to them, either. They simply weren’t arrogant jackasses about it.

Then I write a problem like this down and ask the person to solve it.

562
- 387

I have yet to meet a person who does not regroup (or borrow) in order to solve this problem.

Teachers don’t like to use the word “borrow” in math these days because borrowing implies an eventual return of the borrowed item, which never happens in problems like these. When you “borrow” a number to subtract, it never goes back to its original place. It can therefore be confusing to some kids given the definition of “borrow,” but I have met adults who are angry over this simple, logical shift in terminology.

I just assume that these folks have far deeper issues related to self-worth.

Once the person is done solving the problem, I ask why they regrouped.

Answers vary, but it essentially comes down to one of two things:

I was taught that way, or you have to regroup (or borrow) to solve the problem.

Then I show them how to solve without regrouping. I explain that if you understand negative numbers, this problem becomes rather simple. No pencil and paper required. Instead of regrouping (or borrowing), simply think of the problem as

500-300
60-80
2-7

Or 200 - 20 - 5 = 175

I might have also solved the problem using rounding to change the problem to 562 - 400 + 13.

Also simple.

Thanks to my understanding of what lies behind the simple algorithms, I can solve problems like these almost instantly in my head. So can many of my students.

But when these same students go home and try to explain these concepts to close-minded parents who are either upset that they don’t understand the math or have been convinced by a politician that this new common core is bad, things don’t go well.

They become angry.

They can’t understand why their child isn’t just borrowing from the hundreds and the tens. They blame the curriculum when the real problem is that they can accurately solve a math problem but don’t understand why their solution works.

It’s understanding the why that leads to a career in the STEM fields.

It’s the why that turns children into future scientists, engineers, astronauts, programmers, biotech researchers, financial analysts, actuaries, and more.

Before you become upset that your child’s curriculum makes no sense to you, try to remember that this is nothing new. You’re not special. Curriculum has been evolving for as long as education was formalized in a school setting, and it will continue to evolve.

Americans of the past simply trusted the experts, avoided leaping to conclusions, asked good questions, and didn’t allow politicians and pundits to dictate their opinions.

Physics and philosophy at bedtime

Before bed last night , Charlie, age 6 asks:

“When the Big Bang reverses and the universe compresses into a tiny dot again and then we have another Big Bang, will we all eventually get born again like this time, or will it be different?”

“That’s a big question,” Elysha said.

I wanted to say, “Who the hell has been teaching you physics and philosophy? Where in the hell did you learn enough to ask a question like that?”

Before I could say anything, Charlie answered his own question. “Probably not,” he said. "Probably not."

Charlie eventually told us that he was reading about the Big Bang in a book. Clara then reminded us that I had explained the Big Bang to both of them a few months ago. Charlie added that his babysitter, Kaia, had answered some questions about it, too.Before going to bed, I explained the possibility of entropy (let him go blow someone else’s mind) and touched on the theory of the multiverse.

But he’s only six years-old, so he might need a second lesson.

Adults here sucked

A youth hockey game in Canada between the Kitchener Jr. Rangers Red and the Cambridge Hawks Red in October of last year ended in a score of 41-0.

This means that the Kitchener team scored more than a goal per minute.

The coach of Kitchener stated that once the game got out of hand, he made it mandatory for his players to pass the puck five times before trying to score and also instructed them to bring the puck back into their own zone before going up ice.

Apparently that didn’t work.

One might wonder why eight year-old boys couldn’t find a way to take it easy on their opponents when the score reached 15-0 or 20-0 in a game where the score almost never enters double digits, but I didn’t wonder about that for a single second.

My immediate thought was this:

Bad coaching. Inept adults must’ve been in charge of the winning team. Morally questionable human beings.

The eight year-old players probably enjoyed scoring at will, but they are eight years-old. They’re supposed to make ethically dubious decisions. They’re supposed to act terribly from time to time.

Adults are supposed to know better.

I don’t coach hockey. I can’t skate. I haven’t played a game of competitive hockey since I was ten years-old on the local pond.

But am I wrong in thinking that the coach could’ve found a way to ease up on the scoring while also preserving the dignity of the losing team? It seems like that could’ve happened if the coach had been even a little effective.

Maybe when the score became 20-0, you change your mandatory five passes to ten passes. Would that have been so hard?

In Cambridge’s previous six games, they were outscored 91-6, which also sounds excessive, but if you do the math, the average score in those games was 15-1.

Still not great, but a far cry from 41-0.

This also means that six coaches found a way to avoid utterly humiliating the Cambridge team, and in the process, probably taught their own team about grace, sportsmanship, and decency.

I’m sure that some people will argue that coaches should teach kids to play hard at all times, and that easing up on a team and not trying your best is actually more insulting and humiliating than beating them by such a lopsided score.

To these individuals I say this:

You probably don’t work with children on a daily basis. Or you’ve probably mistaken the high stakes business of professional sports with low stakes enjoyment of youth sports. Or maybe you’ve probably placed winning ahead of learning.

Maybe all three.

If you think it’s better to play hard and beat a team by a 41-0 score rather than finding a way to show some decency and generosity to your opponent, you and I simply have a difference of opinion related to priorities.

You think one thing is important. I think something else is important.

And I think that you are wrong.

19 Things I Heart: 2019

I’m an author whose next novel, which hits shelves on October 15, is written entirely in lists. List after list after list which tells the story of a man and his struggle for friendship, love, dignity, self-worth, and financial security.

I like lists.

Back in March of 2015, I wrote a list of 19 things I loved at the time. I just reviewed that list to see how much had changed over the span of four years.

I chose four years because it’s the length of time that the average person spends in high school and/or college. The differences from freshman to senior year can often be profound, so that four year timeframe felt right to me.

It’s important to note that the time of year clearly plays a role in the making of this list. If it was autumn, for example, you would see Patriots games, the Coventry farmer’s market, and golf on the list.

Had I written the list a month ago, Crashing, a now-cancelled television show, would’ve made the list.

Like my last list, I’ve set a reminder on my Google calendar to return to this list on March 21, 2023 to see how my tastes have changed. Maybe you could do the same? I highly recommend it.
_______________________________

1. Netflix on the treadmill

2. Egg McMuffins

3. Seth Meyer’s “A Closer Look”

4. Watching my son dance

5. Moth StorySLAMs

6. My wife in a tee-shirt and underwear

7. Doing stand-up

8. Heavyweight, Hit Parade, and Reply All (podcasts)

9. The Corner Pug

10. Playing Sorry with my family

11. Every other Friday when the cleaning lady comes to our home

12. The cats sleeping alongside me and on top of me at night

13. Listening to Elysha emcee a Speak Up show

14. Bob Newhart

15. Queen, Springsteen, and Pink’s “Just Give Me a Reason”

16. Walt Hickey’s daily Numlock News newsletter

17. Tweeting at Donald Trump

18. A&W Diet Root Beer

19. Listening to my daughter read to my son

A man of many sexual exploits. Apparently. Maybe.

Happily, I have a thick skin. As an author of several books and a person who writes on the Internet in a variety of contexts, I receive a lot of less-than-glowing responses and reviews. These come in the form of online reviews, tweets, emails, and Facebook messages.

While a vast majority of my book reviews have admittedly been positive, some are not.

Some are downright scathing.

Many authors avoid reading reviews (or claim they do) as an act of self preservation. They refuse to look at their reviews on places like Amazon and Goodreads because the negative feedback can really hurt.

I’m not a supporter of this policy for two reasons:

1. As an author, I write books with the intent of selling them to readers. Ignoring reviews amounts to ignoring your customers, and for me, that makes no sense. If my customers have a consistent complaint about my work, I want to know about it.

2. If a negative review or a scathing comment is going to somehow impact my sense of self-worth or my psyche, I’m in the wrong line of work. Not everyone is going to love what you make, and some of them are going to say it aloud.

An added bonus to reading your reviews is you occasionally get the negative review that causes you to laugh, like the one I read yesterday for Storyworthy.

The person wrote:

__________________________________________

It is a great book and effective map for great storytelling. But too many references glorifying the man's sexual exploits for me though it could be worse.

__________________________________________

I loved this bit of criticism. First of all, I had never considered myself a man of many sexual exploits, so I’m kind of thrilled that I might be more exciting than I once thought.

And what does “it could be worse” mean? Does this person have knowledge of my sexual exploits and knows that I held back? Is he or she implying that I could’ve shared a lot more? And if so, what?

I also have no idea what this person is talking about. Does Storyworthy really contain a multitude of references glorifying my sexual exploits? I honestly can’t recall a single one, but maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I shared more sex stories than I had planned. Maybe I unintentionally overshared (which I’ve been known to do from time to time).

If you’ve read the book recently, could you let me know? I really want to know.

19 Things I Heart (2015)

Exactly four years ago, I posted a list of 19 things I was loving at the time.

As a novelist who has written an entire novel in lists (preorder here), it’s not surprising that my blog and social media is peppered with lists of various kinds.

I especially like making lists like these because they allow me to look back four years later and see what has changed in my life. Back in 2015 when I wrote the list, I set a reminder in my Google calendar to check back on the list today, which was a very clever thing for the 2015 version of myself to do.

Good job, former me.

I wondered:

Am I still enjoying the same things, or have my tastes changed? Will I think the 2015 version of myself was odd? Stupid? Naive?

Am I the same person, or am I a completely new person?

The list, it turns out, breaks down into three categories:

1. Things that I still love

2. Things that I no longer love.

3. Things that I now take for granted.

I’ll write a new list for tomorrow for 2019. Here is how the 2015 list breaks down:

THINGS I STILL LOVE

• Chipotle burritos

• Tickling my children

• My wife in a tee shirt and underwear

• Bruce Willis action films while on the treadmill

• Carhartt socks in place of slippers

• Moth StorySLAMs

• Jeff (my friend)

• Egg McMuffins

THINGS I NO LONGER LOVE

• Listening to my kindergarten daughter read to me (she’s in fourth grade and prefers to read independently)

• Better Call Saul (between seasons)

• 1776 by David McCullough (I’m sure it was great but I don’t remember much about it)

• The Lyle Lovett Pandora station

• Cold water from a metallic water bottle

• Holding my dog in my lap after work (she passed away last year)

• Any day over 35 degrees (35 degrees? Give me a day over 50 and I’ll be happy)

THINGS I TAKE FOR GRANTED

• Overcast (podcasting app)

• The Memory Palace (podcast)

• UNU battery pack (for my iPhone)

• Squarespace

Speak Up Storytelling: Tom Ouimet

On episode #41 of the Speak Up Storytelling podcast, Matthew and Elysha Dicks talk storytelling!

In our followup segment, we congratulate friend of the podcast Robin Gelfenbien on her recent (and momentous) Moth StorySLAM victory. Robin is the producer and host of Yum's the Word, an award-winning NYC storytelling show and podcast:

http://www.yumsthewordshow.com

Next, we pass on AirTable, a Homework for Life suggestion from a listener:

https://airtable.com
https://vimeo.com/album/3513053/format:detail

In our Homework for Life segment, we talk about the challenge of tell a hero story when the act of heroism is not all that impressive or interesting. 

Next we listen to Tom Ouimet's story about a secret in his pants. 

After listening, we discuss:

1. The exceptional layering and efficiency of the story

2. The strategic use of pauses and silence to enhance humor 

3. The importance of choice and consistency when it comes to the perspective adopted by the storyteller

4. The escalation of stakes

5. Making choices consistent with the tone and theme of a story

Next, we answer questions about critiquing stories and telling stories from a third person perspective. 

Finally, we each offer a recommendation.  

LINKS

Homework for Life: https://bit.ly/2f9ZPne

Matthew Dicks's website: http://www.matthewdicks.com

Matthew Dicks's YouTube channel:
https://www.youtube.com/matthewjohndicks 

Subscribe to Matthew Dicks's weekly newsletter: 
http://www.matthewdicks.com/matthewdicks-subscribe

Subscribe to the Speak Up newsletter: 
http://www.matthewdicks.com/subscribe-speak-up

STORYTELLING WORKSHOPS 2019

May 4: Storytelling workshop (beginner), CT Historical Society
May 18: Storytelling workshop (advanced), CT Historical Society
June 1: Storytelling workshop (master class), CT Historical Society
July 29-August 2: Storytelling bootcamp, CT Historical Society
August 17: Storytelling workshop, Taproot Theater, Seattle, WA
October 25-27: Storytelling workshop, Kripalu Center for Yoga and Heath
December 6-8: Storytelling workshop, Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health

RECOMMEDATIONS

Elysha:

• www.designmom.com

Matt:

• 'The Middle': Watch How a Pop Hit Is Made | NYT - Diary of a Song

Most of us rejoice. A bunch of old, white bigots do not.

Have you heard?

National Women’s Soccer League stars Ali Krieger and Ashlyn Harris are engaged to be married, the couple announced last week. The romance between the athletes began nearly a decade ago when the two met while playing for the U.S. National Team.

Social media was abuzz with the news last week, with people from all over the world sending their congratulations to the couple via Twitter, Instagram, and the like. Popular in their own right for their efforts on and off the soccer field, the union of Krieger and Harris was greeted by soccer fans with excitement.

Even FIFA, the governing body of the World Cup. post a tweet sending their love and congratulations to the couple.

Not everyone sent love and congratulations.

The Republican Party’s 2018 campaign platform declared that “marriage is between one man and one woman” and condemns the Supreme Court ruling making same-sex marriage legal.

The Vice President of the United States called being gay a choice and said keeping gays from marrying was not discrimination but an enforcement of “God’s idea.” He has repeatedly voted against bills that would prevent discrimination of LGBTQ people in the workplace.

In America today, you can be fired from your job for being gay. That is insanity.

Pence’s wife now works at a school that forbids both LGBTQ students and staff.

Donald Trump, despite his promises during the campaign to protect LBGTQ rights, has been equally bigoted.

His State Department has removed a section about violence and discrimination against LGBTQ people from its annual human rights report. His Justice Department rescinded Obama-era guidance instructing public officers to interpret sexuality and gender discrimination under federal prohibitions on sex discrimination. He twice failed to celebrate LGBTQ Pride Month.

It’s so odd to watch so many people around the world celebrate the engagement of these two accomplish and respected women while knowing that the President and Vice President of the United States and the majority of GOP lawmakers would make the marriage of these two women illegal if given the chance.

This is what happens when old, white bigots are in power. They drag their hateful, arcane ideas back into the halls of justice in a desperate attempt to reverse progress.

Happily, far more people in America and around the world are happy for the love that Ali Krieger and Ashlyn Harris have found, and although progress can be restrained and even temporarily reversed at time, it cannot be stopped forever.

The middle finger is just a finger

Good news!

By unanimous decision, a federal appeals court in Michigan last week upheld an American’s unalienable right to extend her middle finger.

A Michigan woman gave the middle finger to a police officer after receiving a ticket. The officer pulled her over again and upgraded the ticket to a worse offense.

It turns out that this is a violation of her First Amendment right to free speech.

For the record, I think it is so incredibly stupid that human beings consider the raising of a single digit to be so vulgar and offensive that it can’t be shown on television or would cause a police officer to even think about upgrading a traffic ticket.

It’s stupid, but it’s also weird.

I can raise my index finger. I can raise my pinkie finger. I can raise my arm. My elbow. My knee. My big toe. But the extension of my middle finger - absent any other digit - is so offensive that it must be blurred on television in the same way networks must blur genitals and women’s breasts.

That’s crazy.

According the FCC, the middle finger is just as inappropriate on television as an exposed penis. Both cannot be transmitted across the airwaves without blurring or pixilation.

It’s crazy. And stupid. And weird. Right?

It’s my middle finger. I should be able to raise it whenever I damn well please. This should not be an offensive or vulgar gesture.

Rude? Sure. Insulting? Yes. As long as the gestures continues to convey the same sentiment that it does today, I’m not arguing that the middle finger should be considered polite.

But so vulgar that it can’t be shown on network television?

That’s stupid.

Losers lose. I am happy.

As Captain Marvel enters its second weekend at the box office, it’s important to note that:

• It had a spectacular opening weekend, pulling in $153 million in North America and $455 million globally

• Both of those numbers far exceed projections

• It was the sixth-best worldwide opening ever

• The film appears to be on its way to earning more money than any superhero origin ever

I have not yet seen the movie, so I can’t speak to the quality of the film. It’s earned a 79% on Rotten Tomatoes and critics have generally liked it a lot but not loved it.

Nevertheless, these box office numbers please me greatly.

When it was announced that Captain Marvel would be a woman, the same low-life cretins who protested the reboot of Ghostbusters with female leads began their campaign of hate against this film, too.

These are most assuredly small-minded, knuckle-dragging white guys who trade in toxic masculinity and treat the Marvel cannon as something both scared and immalleable. They were undoubtedly the champions of Gamergate and the kinds of men who worry that women and Mexicans are stealing the jobs that they probably lost because they were too busy playing video games and drinking purple drank.

I paint a broad brush, I know. Apologies. I’m sure some very fine people stood opposed to a female Captain Marvel for very good reasons.

But you need to be a special kind of loser to be so angry that Captain Marvel is a women or the Ghostbusters have vaginas as to take to the Internet in droves, attempting to bring these movies down.

I am happy to see that their campaign of sexism has failed. I am happy to see that Captain Marvel is a huge financial success.

I like it when idiots, sexists, and close-minded bigots lose spectacularly.

Now if someone wants to come over and watch our kids, Elysha and I will be happy to see the movie and contribute to its financial success.

Wisdom

Charlie, age 6, said this after awakening from a bad dream:

“When you wake up, bad dreams die.” 

As a person who still suffers from occasional nightmares as a result of my PTSD, these were wise words.

Words I needed to hear.

Wisdom from my little boy.

I have opinions on a suggested 30 percent tip

When it comes to dining out, I am a good tipper. My standard tip is 20% rounded up, and if I am especially pleased with the service, I’ll add a dollar or two.

I don’t have a problem with tipping for service at a restaurant.

I also tip on the total bill, including tax, because I’m not an insane person.

On Saturday night, however, Elysha and I went to dinner with friends, and at the bottom of the bill were some tipping suggestions. I hate the mere existence of these suggestions, since calculating 15 or 20 percent of any total should not be difficult for any grown-ass human being.

Even if calculating 20 percent is challenging for you, we can all calculate 10 percent of a number, so at worst you can just add half of that amount for 15 percent or double it for 20 percent.

I find these tipping suggestions slightly insulting both especially unsettling. I worry that people actually need them.

But the suggestions offered on Saturday night were insulting for a whole new reason.

30 percent? This restaurant has added 30 percent as an option to the suggested tips?

Frankly, I think 25 percent is a little presumptuous, but 30 percent?

I often suggest that folks purchase my books by the dozen, but I’m not serious. I’m making a joke. I don’t ever expect anyone to do it, but these suggestions are not meant to be funny.

Someone somewhere thinks that a 30 percent tip should not only an option, but it’s an option so common and obvious that it’s worthy of suggestion.

It’s not.

For the record, I tipped $12 that night, making my tip a little more than 21 percent of the bill. A tip like this would normally make me feel good about my tip. Generous, even.

But not when the stupid restaurant presents 30 percent an option.