Resolution update: 2014 in review

In an effort to hold myself accountable, I post the progress of my yearly goals at the end of each month on this blog. The following are the results through December and through the end of 2014.

In 2014, I managed to completed 15 out of the 25 goals that I set for myself back in January for a 60% completion rate. This is actually fairly good in comparison to previous years.

In the four years that I have been charting my goals, my completion rates have been 60% (2013), 30% (2012), 62% (2011) and 44% (2010).

In examining my successes and failures, I’ve noted the following:

• I had four goals related to storytelling and public speaking, and I managed to complete them all.
• I had seven goals related to writing and completed four of them. I failed to complete the two novels that I wanted to finish in 2014, as well as the children’s books that I had hoped to sell, primarily because of a book that required more revision than I had anticipated. A great deal of progress was made, however, on those three failed goals.
• I had four goals related to personal health and completed three of them, falling five pounds short of my weight-related goal.
• I completed both of my organizational goals of the New Year.

My biggest disappointment of 2014 was the goal related to podcasting. I looked forward to launching a podcast all year and allowed technical challenges to stand in my way. I should’ve been podcasting two years ago.

There were three goals that I did not continue to actively pursue in 2014. My desire to become certified as a high school teacher waned as I realized all that I would be giving up to leave the position I currently hold.

I also made no real attempt to run another A-Mattzing Race in 2014. Though I’ve loved running them in the past, there was simply no time for  race in 2014. I launched a summer writing academy instead and am happy with the tradeoff.

I also made no attempt to write any short stories in 2014. I wrote two short stories in 2013, but both were written upon waves of inspiration (and in one case, a bet). When short stories became an expectation rather than a surprise in 2014, the desire waned considerably.

Here are the final results from 2013:
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1. Don’t die.

Most important goal accomplished.

2. Lose ten pounds.

I was down eight pounds at one point, but as I end the year, I am down just five pounds. Weight goals are hard given the food that is eaten in the holidays. You almost need a buffer going into December to avoid the holiday bounce.

3. Do at least 100 push-ups and 100 sit-ups five days a week.

Done.

4. Launch at least one new podcast.

My goal was to launch a second podcast in addition to the first, which never got off the ground. Almost all of the problems with this are related to my website, which is badly in need of an update. My intention was to rebuild the entire website myself, so I could make changes and updates in the future without relying on someone else, and I still intend to do that. 

5. Complete my sixth novel before the end of the summer 2014.

This book is more than halfway finished. My primary stumbling block was my fifth novel, which I revised throughout much of 2014. I thought this book would be finished by February, but when work on it continued, the other writing projects suffered.

6. Complete my seventh novel.

This book is more than halfway finished. Same problems as above.

7. Sell one children’s book to a publisher.

My agent and I swapped by three manuscripts back and forth throughout 2014. They are currently back in my hands and nearly ready to return to her. She will pitch them in early 2015, and with some luck, an editor will like one or more of them enough to make an offer.    

8. Complete a book proposal for my memoir.

The proposal for a memoir comprised of 30-40 of my Moth stories is complete. The process of sending the book to editors for their consideration has begun.

A memoir comprising a season of golf is also complete. My agent and I are in the process of preparing the manuscript for sale.

Work also continues on a memoir that focuses on the two years that encompassed my arrest and trial for a crime I did not commit. These two years also include an armed robbery, the onset of my post traumatic stress disorder, my period of homelessness, and the time I spent living with a family of Jehovah’s Witnesses.

Work also began on a new book which will be part memoir and part instructive.

9. Host at least one Shakespeare Circle.

I scheduled this for December 27, but because of the holidays, I was unable to get enough people to attend to make it happen. I have lots of interest but waited until the last minute and chose a date that didn’t work with most. I plan to reschedule for early 2015. 

10. Write a screenplay.

Done! Back in my hands with notes from my film agent. She likes it. I’m thrilled.

11. Write at least three short stories.

I failed to write a single short story in 2014. After writing two short stories in 2013, I thought that three was a reasonable goal. 

12. Write a collection of poetry using existing and newly written poems.

My agent has spoken. Not only does poetry not earn any money, but she doesn’t think my poetry is worth my time in terms of time and money. She encouraged me to send some of my better poems to journals and contests, which I may do at some point. Many of my poems are autobiographical, and it turns out that at least a few will make excellent Moth stories.

13. Become certified to teach high school English by completing one required class.

I remain one class and $50 away from completion. I’m also a lot less certain about wanting to teach English at the high school level. I kind of love my job as it stands. Why change?

That said, having the additional certification would be great in terms of future endeavors.

14. Publish at least one Op-Ed in a physical newspaper.

Done! In October I published an Op-Ed in the Hartford Courant about communicating with students in the digital world.

My third column in Seasons magazine also published in December.

I also published a piece in The Cook’s Cook, a magazine for aspiring food writers and recipe testers. You can read the April-May issue here.

15. Attend at least 10 Moth events with the intention of telling a story.

I competed in a Moth StorySLAM in New York on December 29 at The Bitter End and won. 

This brings my total number of events for the year to 17.

16. Win a Moth GrandSLAM.

Done!   

17. Give yoga an honest try.

I took my first yoga lesson in November and practiced for about three weeks before a shoulder injury forced me to stop. I’m beginning physical therapy on the shoulder next week and then will return to my morning yoga ritual.

18. De-clutter the basement.

Done!

19. De-clutter the shed

Done! I dislodged a mouse family, filled the back of my truck with junk, and now I have an empty, organized shed.

20. Conduct the ninth No-Longer-Annual A-Mattzing Race in 2014.

Didn’t even come close to making this happen.

21. Produce a total of six Speak Up storytelling events.

Done! We produced a total of eight shows in 2014.

22. Deliver a TED Talk.

I delivered a TED Talk in March at Brooklyn Boulders in Somerville, MA.

23. Set a new personal best in golf.

I played golf last week. Not well. I finished the year tying my personal best for nine holes but failing to beat it.

24. Find a way to keep my wife home for one more year with our children.

25. Post my progress in terms of these resolutions on this blog on the first day of every month.

My highly improbable weekend

On Saturday, I played golf. In December. In New England. The course was closed, and there were sticks and pine boughs in place of the pins, but that didn’t matter. I played.  

I didn’t even care that I lost.

On Sunday I attended the Patriots game at Gillette Stadium. The Patriots lost to the Buffalo Bills. Since New England had already locked up the top seed in the playoffs, the game had no real meaning. The Patriots sat many of their starters, and as a result, they failed to even score a touchdown.

I didn’t even care that they lost.

On Saturday night, I attended my extended family’s Christmas party in Massachusetts. I was in the room for more than five minutes when my wife called over to me. Pointed.

I looked. Standing in the corner was my father.

My father was at the party. My father does not go to parties. My father does not leave his house unless forced to do so. My father does not interact with large groups. My father does not attend family functions. 

My father was attending a family Christmas party. 

Given my immature and petulant need to win at all costs, I’m not sure which was more improbable this weekend:

• Playing golf in December
• Not caring about losing my golf match
• Not caring about the Patriots losing their game
• My father attending the annual family Christmas party

It’s nice when life can offer up such a bounty of surprises.

I want to be overpaid.

For the second year in the row, Forbes has declared that Adam Sandler is the most overpaid actor in Hollywood for 2014.

This fact is often stated with derision. 

Just for the record, my life goal is to be overpaid for my work. In a country where CEOs earn 33 times as much as the average worker and 774 times as much as minimum wage earners, I have no problem with anyone trying to be overpaid.

Good for you, Adam Sandler.

Best Christmas gift ever. Someone strongly hint about this to my kids when they are old enough to understand.

Christmas is over, but how about a one last bit of Christmas cheer? And maybe even a tear or two?

You’re going to love this. Unless it makes you feel like a terribly inadequate son or daughter, which is possible.

Risk it. It’s worth it. 

Useless skills: Speaking and listening simultaneously

It occurs to me that we all have things that we can do surprisingly well that are fairly useless in life. Surprising but purposeless skills. Sort of meaningless super powers.

I’m creating a list of my own. Maybe you’d like to share yours as well?

Here’s one for me:

I can both speak and listen simultaneously. As a wedding DJ, I’ve found that I can be speaking to the guests via the microphone while my partner is simultaneously speaking into my ear, relaying information that I may or may not need to say as well.

I could be explaining to the guests how the centerpieces will be given away or describing where to go to catch the shuttle bus back to the hotel, and at the same time, my partner could be telling me about a change of plan or adding an announcement onto the end of the one I’m making. He might even be talking to me about something we need to do once the announcement is complete or something completely unrelated to the wedding.

Somehow, I’m able to keep my auditory and oratory channels operating at the same time, dispensing with and absorbing information simultaneously.

Perhaps more people can do this than I realize, but can they do it while engaged in public speaking? While delivering information extemporaneously to 200 or more people?

I’m not so sure.

Possible uses for this skill?

None as far as I can tell.

How did television meteorologists become household names, and why can’t I name a single one of these guys?

Everyone in my life seems to know the names of the television meteorologists. They say things like, “Brad Somebody is hosting this charity event next weekend” or “Bruce Gobbledygook says it’s going to rain tomorrow.”

Even my student’s know these names.

I can’t help but wonder:

These people can’t actually be watching the local news. Right?

They can’t be sitting through reports on car accidents and house fires and gas station robberies in order to hear a weather forecast that they can get on their phone or computer at any moment. Can they?

And if not, how does everyone seem to know Brad Somebody and Bruce Gobbledygook’s names?

New Year’s resolutions work. Goal setting can change your life. Maybe not for losers, but you are not a loser. Don’t let the pundits tell you otherwise.

As the New Year approaches, you will undoubted see and read many articles on why New Year’s resolutions never work and are best avoided.

It’s a trope that media outlets love to roll out at the end of December. 

It’s nonsense.

New Year’s resolutions (and goal setting in general) work for those who are actually motivated to achieve the desired results and work hard to meet their goals..

Since 2010, I have been posting my New Years resolutions on my blog and charting my progress month by month. While my New Year’s resolution success rate over the past five years stands at just over 60 percent, my life has changed immensely thanks to my yearly goal setting and the pursuit of these goals.

Here are a few examples:

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In 2010 I resolved to floss every day. I have not missed a day of flossing since. It’s simply become something I do.

Incidentally, if you would like to start flossing, I suggest that you place the floss in the shower. Doing this creates an incentive:

Who would pass up an extra 30 seconds in the shower in order to be productive and extend your life (people who floss live longer)?

I gave this advice at a book talk once (in response to a question about how routines make me more productive), and about six months later, a woman wrote to me to say that while she appreciated everything about my talk, the advice on flossing had changed her life. She’s flossed every day since my talk, and her gums have never been so healthy and pain free.

It’s not hard. You, too, can be a dental nerd like me.
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I established the goal of losing 10 pounds in 2010, and I have since lost 45 pounds and entirely changed the way that I live.

• I exercise almost every day.
• I know the calorie count of almost every food item that I eat.
• I’ve permanently reduced meal portions.
• I look better, feel better, and have more energy than ever before.

That single goal in 2010 has changed the way I eat, exercise and live ever since, and it will likely provide me with a longer, healthier life.
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In an effort to reduce my cholesterol, I resolved to eat three servings of oatmeal a week in 2011. Since then I continue to eat at least that much oatmeal each week as part of my work day lunch. It’s a perfect midday meal: Easy to make, filling, low in calories, and delicious. My colleagues think I’ve crazy for eating the same thing almost every day, but as a result, my cholesterol has remained within the guidelines that my doctor set for me, and while so many of my friends are on medication to control their cholesterol, I am not.
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In 2011, after two years of saying that I would do it, I resolved to participate in a Moth event as a storyteller, either at a live show or on their radio broadcast. Since my performance in my first Moth StorySLAM in July of 2011, storytelling has become an enormous part of my life. I’ve competed in 28 Moth StorySLAMs, winning 15 of them, and have performed for Moth Mainstage audiences as large as 1,500 people. I’ve been featured three times on The Moth Radio Hour, a nationally syndicated radio show, as well as their weekly podcast.

All of this began with a single performance on a single Moth stage, and it happened because I wrote that goal down in January of that year.

Since then, I’ve also performed at a number of other storytelling shows in New York, Boston and Hartford, and I’ve spoken at three TED conferences. I’ll be speaking at another TEDx conference in April at Boston University.

In 2013, my wife and I co-founded Speak Up, our own storytelling organization. We produced three shows in 2013 and eight in 2014. We’ve established partnerships with additional venues and local schools, and we conduct ongoing workshops for prospective storytellers.

That simple 2011 goal of telling one story at one Moth event has blossomed into one of the most important parts of my creative life.
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This year, I included “Write a screenplay” on my list of resolutions. It’s something I have wanted to do since 1993, but it wasn’t until I actually added this goal to my list of resolution that it got done. Sometimes just the act of writing something down is enough to make you do it.

And I spoke to my film agent last week and she believes that the screenplay has great promise. Best of all, it turns out that I can write movies and love doing so. Even if I never sell a screenplay, I’ve uncovered a new outlet for my creativity that I may have never tried had I not resolved to do so this year.
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This year, I also included, “Find a way to keep Elysha home for one more year with the kids” on my list of resolutions.  Honestly, I didn’t know how we would ever be able to manage living on one income for another year after surviving on one income for almost five years now. I didn’t think it possible. But as soon as I wrote the goal down, my mindset instantly shifted from “Can I make this happen?” to “How am I going to make happen?” Writing down the goal  and acknowledging its importance made the decision automatic for me.

Figuring out the “How?” hasn’t always been easy, but the kids would never know it, and that’s what matters most.   

Don’t let anyone fool you. New Year’s resolutions (and goal setting in general) can change your life, for the upcoming year and sometimes forever, if you actually apply yourself and monitor your progress carefully.  

My advice:

• Establish measurable goals.
• Create a specific plan to accomplishment them.
• Check on progress regularly, and a create a schedule for this.
• Remind yourself repeatedly about what your life would look like if you achieved your goals. Envision this new life.
• Remind yourself that most people fail to accomplish their New Year’s resolutions, and that you are better than most people.

My 2014 Christmas haul

Another Christmas and another outstanding haul of gifts from my amazing wife, who understands me so well.

Some people wish for cashmere sweaters, brand new video game systems, stylish watches, and jewelry. My hope is often for the least pretentious, most unexpected, quirkiest little gift possible, and she never fails to deliver. 

For the past five years, I’ve been documenting the gifts that Elysha gives me on Christmas because they are so damn good. Every year has been just as good as the last, if not better.

For point of reference:

• My 2009 Christmas haul

• My 2010 Christmas haul

• My 2011 Christmas haul

• My 2012 Christmas haul

• My 2013 Christmas haul

This year was simply divine.

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In case you can’t tell from the photograph, my collection of gifts from this year includes:

• A nerf football, for the express purpose of teaching my children to catch the pigskin

• A pencil that doubles as a catapult, that my brother (who runs a Christmas Tree Shop) informs me is illegal to sell in both New York and New Jersey, making this gift even more bad ass

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• A pen that doubles as a hammer, for those days when someone or something needs a good whap

• A new screwdriver to replace the six screwdrivers floating around the kitchen drawer (my wife deeply understands my desire to minimalism)

• Goodnight Darth Vader, an amusing book about Darth Vader’s attempts to put a young Luke and Leia to sleep at night

• A mini bowling set for those moments at my desk when instant amusement is needed

• A substance called Cyber Clean, which Elysha doesn’t seem to understand but looks and moves like silly putty, so who cares?

• A voice changer that makes your voice sound like the voice distortions that you hear on television when a person is telling state secrets but wishes to remain anonymous

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• A yoga mat (not pictured)

• My favorite gift of 2014: A pad of “Told You So” tickets. As you may know, “I told you so” are my four favorite words. I even have an “I told you so” calendar. Despite protestations of some. Or many. And this pad is both a clever idea and brilliantly designed.

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The cat peed and pooped and vomited on our Christmas preparations, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

My wife and I left about 80% of our preparations for Christmas until December 24.

• At the beginning of the day, we had only one gift for each child. We needed more presents and plenty of stocking stuffers. We also had yet to purchase gifts for each other, and nothing was wrapped. 
• We had not purchased any food or drink or even decided upon the menu for the eight adults and six children who would be coming to our home.
• We had not cleaned the house in any meaningful way.
• The Christmas tree still lacked at least two strings of lights.
• We had yet to visit with Santa for photos.

Maybe it was closer to 90% of the preparations still undone.

This was not a big deal. We had the whole day to complete these tasks, even with our children underfoot. Divide and conquer. Be efficient and productive. Rule the day.

And we did. Everything was accomplished by the end of the day, which for me ended around midnight and for Elysha around 1:00 AM. We even had some fun in the process. We had photos taken with Santa in the morning. Enjoyed breakfast together. Sat down for a lovely dinner as a family. Read to the children before bed. After they were asleep, Elysha and I listened to Christmas music while she baked and prepped and I cleaned and de-cluttered the house.

In fact, the entire day would’ve gone off without a hitch except for one thing:

I blocked the basement door with two empty boxes of Christmas ornaments, thereby blocking the cat door which allows our cat, Owen, access to his litter box in the basement. The door was blocked for more than a day.

As a result, the cat peed in my daughter’s room, on her sleeping bag, some toys, a pillow, and more.

Then he pooped on our bed.

Then he came downstairs, stopped at my feet, and vomited on the living room floor.  

This, my friends, threw a wrench into our plans. A monkey into our schedule. It sucked away vast amounts of time that were needed for wrapping and baking and buying and cleaning.

But here’s the great thing about this horror show:

Elysha and I laughed about it. We almost cried, too, but once that moment passed, we laughed. Worked together. Praised our washing machine’s sanitize cycle. Tossed a few items away. Made liberal use of the Lysol. Consoled our daughter. Moved on.

We even had an amusing story to tell the next day.

I have a friend who thinks my wife and I were insane for saving so much holiday preparation at the last minute. She even offered to come over and help wrap presents. I told her that I eat pressure for breakfast and love a good challenge. I assured her that we would be fine.

But in truth, it has a lot to do with the relationship that Elysha and I have. The perspective that we share. Our ability to work together. The trust we have in each other. The faith we have in ourselves. Our propensity to divide and conquer. Our shared values over what is important and what is not.

It’s why we are able to laugh at our cat’s decision to turn our bedrooms into his bathroom.

It was horrible and gross and enormously time consuming, but it was certainly not the end of the world.

And when the sun rose on Christmas Day and the children scurried down the stairs, they were greeted with a fully decorated tree, piles of presents, stuffed stockings, and a plate of half-eaten cookies from Santa Claus. Both children loved their gifts, and Elysha and I were thrilled with the gifts we received from each other.

 

Later on, our friends and family came. A steady stream throughout the day and a formal dinner in the evening. We ate and drank and talks and debated and were merry.

We even had a homeless man stop by.

A grand day, thrown together the day before amidst the vomit, urine, and poop of a justifiably annoyed cat.

The holiday season doesn’t have to begin weeks before if you remember what’s important and stop worrying about the little things that no one notices except you.

My daughter’s grandmother is sadly more Susan than grandmother

We were trimming the tree. Decorating the house for Christmas. My daughter and son had found the nativity scene music boxes in the box of Christmas decorations and were staring at them. Studying them. Obsessed with them, really. 

Both music boxes were given to me by my mother on Christmases past. They mean a lot to me because I have so little from my mother. She had so little when she died. Almost nothing, really. These two nativity scenes and a handful of photographs might be the only items I have that my mother ever touched.

“Be careful with those,” I told Clara. “They mean a lot to me. My mother gave them to me.”

“You mean Susan?” she asked.

Clara has my mother’s middle name. She knows that my mother’s name was Susan, and she knows that my mother died before she was born. But it suddenly occurred to me that Clara has never really thought of my mother as her grandmother.

And why would she? Clara has a grandmother. She calls her Nani, and she sees her all the time. Loves the daylights out of her. It’s hard to have a relationship (or even imagine a relationship) with anyone who you’ve never met and will never meet. Especially when you are five years-old. I explained to Clara that Susan was her grandmother, even if they never had the chance to meet.

Clara listened intently. “Oh,” she said. “Okay.”

Clara may start to refer to Susan as her grandmother. If not soon, certainly later in life when things like this make more sense to her. But it occurs to me that my mother will never be anything more than grandmother in name only.

As old or wise as Clara becomes, my mother will never be a real grandmother to her, because she never know her. As many stories as I may tell about my mother, Clara will never really know the woman with whom she shares a name.

To Clara, her grandmother will always be Susan, mother of Daddy, stranger forever. 

It’s one of the great sorrows of my life. 

Storyteller Interruptus

I don’t have an office. I have a sad, little room attached to the side of the house with ancient windows and no heat that would require a hat and mittens in order to spend any time in. So when I am working at home, I do the majority of my writing at the dining room table.

This is a mixed bag. Part of me loves working while my children are running around and playing underfoot, but the constant interruption of the workflow makes things extremely challenging at times (and sends me scurrying to the library or McDonald’s or my classroom in order to get things done).

Thankfully, I do a lot of my work before and after everyone is asleep, but during the day, even an benign question from my wife can bring things to a grinding halt.

In our next home, I will have an office, damn it. A heated room where I can escape and work when necessary.

Clara felt my pain the other day when she tried to use materials from school to retell a story for us. She was doing such a lovely job (perhaps she will be a writer someday, too) while her rotten brother tried to spoil everything with his rottenness.

If only the world would treat us storytellers like the delicate flowers that we are. 

Turns out that I’m quite the catch

There are 6.8 billion people on the planet.

Only 3.5 billion use a toothbrush.

My wife may think that I can’t wash the dishes (as she told a sold out audience at a recent Speak Up event), and I may occasionally throw away things that she considers valuable (last week it was an envelope of cash), but it turns out that in comparison to half the world, I’m quite the catch. 

I even floss everyday. I’m surprised more women are hitting on me on a daily basis given my dental hygiene.

Another reason why I want a time machine

I don’t want to change history. Just watch it unfold.

For moments like these:

If Newington, Connecticut ever wants a new slogan, it has many options, including a serial killer and a lot of coffee.

I live in the town of Newington, Connecticut. Our town’s slogan, at least according to our seal, is Growth & Progress.

This is a fine slogan, I guess. The two words are similar, so it’s kind of like putting a hat on a hat. But still, it’s fine.

However, if the town is ever looking to update the slogan, I would like to offer a few suggestions.

Newington: There are seven Dunkin Donuts in this damn town. Seven!

Newington: Closer to West Hartford Center and Blue Back Square than many parts of West Hartford, but with considerably lower property taxes.

Newington: You’re never more than fifteen minutes from every big box store on the planet.

Newington: Home of the smallest natural waterfall in the country. That’s right, people. The smallest.

Newington: There is a sentence on our Wikipedia page that reads, “Newington Public Schools operates public schools in Newington.” Obviously not written by a Newington High School graduate.

Newington: Home of Amy Archer-Gilligan, nursing home proprietor and serial killer

Newington: A town that refuses to include noted author and raconteur Matthew Dicks amongst its list of Notable People on its Wikipedia page.

“I checked his tushy and there was no poop anywhere.”

I was sitting at my computer in the dining room, writing my next great American novel. My five year-old daughter, Clara, and my two year-old son, Charlie, were upstairs playing. My wife was shopping.

From the top of the stairs came Clara’s little voice. Tentative at first and then more confident.

Clara: “Dad, I could use some help.”

Me: “Yeah? With what?”

Clara: “Well, I thought that Charlie might want to try to use the potty even though he’s never used it before, so I took off his pants and his diaper, and then I got him to sit on the potty, and I told him to pee and poop. And while I was telling him, I needed to pee and poop, so I sat on the big potty and peed and pooped but Charlie didn’t. I checked his tushy and there was no poop anywhere. So then I put his diaper back on but I don’t think it’s on right, so maybe you could come check for me, please?”

First, I typed up everything I had heard, as best as I could remember. It was too priceless to risk forgetting.

When I found Charlie, his diaper was strapped to his thigh. His pants were around his ankles. He was only wearing one shoe. It was on the wrong foot.

Big sisters are the best.

Why it’s glorious to be a Patriots fan

Since 1993, the New England Patriots have had two starting quarterbacks: Perennial Pro Bowler Drew Bledsoe and future Hall of Famer Tom Brady.

There was a season when backup quarterback Matt Cassel was forced to play when Tom Brady was injured, but there was no question that Brady would be the starting quarterback once he was healthy.

For 21 years, or the majority of my adult life, this franchise has been in the capable hands of just two quarterbacks.

By comparison the Cleveland Browns have had 18 starting quarterbacks since 1993, and that includes three years when they weren’t even a team. The Washington Redskins have had three starting quarterbacks this season.

In that same 21 year period of time, the Patriots have had just three head coaches: Future Hall of Fame inductees Pete Carroll, Bill Parcells, and Bill Belichick.

By comparison, the Cleveland Browns have had nine head coaches in that same period of time, beginning with Bill Belichick. The Raiders have had an even dozen.

Parcells took the Patriots to the playoffs during every year of his tenure with the team, including a Super Bowl in 1996, where they lost to the Green Bay Packers.

I put a shoe through my friend’s living room wall that night.

Carroll was the least successful of the three coaches, but still, he won the AFC East in his first year as head coach and took the team to the playoffs in two of his three seasons. Carroll has gone on to win a Super Bowl and a national championship at the college level.

Under Belichick, the Patriots have gone to five Super Bowls, winning three and coming damn close on two others. The Patriots have been to the playoffs in 12 of his 14 seasons, missing during his first year as head coach and in 2008 when Tom Brady missed all but one game due to injury. Still, the team went 11-5 that year.  

The leadership and stability of the New England Patriots has been astounding. It’s no wonder that since 1993, they have the most wins of any NFL franchise. They have also been to the playoffs more often than any other team, made it to more Super Bowls than any other team, and won more championships than any other team.

It’s been a good 20 years. I’ve rarely missed a game and have spent many afternoons and evening in the stadium, watching them from the nosebleeds.

It’s good to be a Patriots fan.

Seasons Magazine: My latest column on how real men don’t use snow blowers

The winter edition of Seasons magazine is now available for your reading pleasure.

If you don’t subscribe to Seasons, the magazine can also be read online, including my column, “The Last Word,” which can be found on the last page of the magazine.

For the winter edition, I write about how real men don’t use snow blowers and my unique means of clearing my driveway of snow in the winter.

The girl rejected her mother’s culinary advances, but the boy could not resist

My daughter shows little interest in cooking with her mother. Perhaps, like me, she doesn’t understand why anyone would want to spend time cooking meals when there are other people willing to do it for you.

Even if you’re not married to an excellent chef like me, there are always restaurants, fast food, take out, and Hot Pockets.

What more could a person need? 

Happily, my son loves helping my wife in the kitchen. He can be found there almost every afternoon, standing on his stool alongside Elysha, simultaneously helping and hindering the cooking process.

“Help me, Mommy!” he shouts, which is his two year-old version of “Let me help you, Mommy!”

This week, among their other culinary delights, he helped his mother make barbecue chicken.

Yesterday, he appeared on the television show Better Connecticut baking gingerbread cookies in a cooking class at the local grocery store. Maybe someday he will become a famous chef and appear on the Today show, being rushed through a cooking process that should take twice as long so they can hit the scheduled commercial break.

I guess this is why you have more than one child. When the first one lets you down, you roll the dice on another, and sometimes they come up sevens.

Everyone is completely overwhelmed, except I kind of think that they aren’t and should reconsider their position.

It seems as if I hear someone say that they are overwhelmed or someone they know is overwhelmed or a certain segment of the population is overwhelmed almost every day.

I don’t get it.

The average American watches 34 hours of television a week. Spends almost two hours a day on social media. Spends 40 minutes a day on Facebook alone.

They spend countless hours playing the latest version of Angry Birds or Words with Friends or Candy Crush and even more time complaining and gossiping.

These do not seem like the statistics of an overwhelmed population.

I’m not saying that people don’t feel overwhelmed. I’m merely suggesting that they aren’t actually overwhelmed.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, allow me suggest a little less Law & Order. Fewer Angry Birds. A little less Facebook.

I guess I really, really, really love my wife.

I had a dream that I was living in some alternate reality. I wasn’t married to Elysha or anyone else.

I was standing by a stove, looking at a serving dish, and I realized that I would never feel as good about that serving dish without Elysha in my life. That serving dish would always been a dull, lifeless representation of itself if I wasn’t with my wife. 

Then I looked around the kitchen and saw that everything in the room was as dull and lifeless as the serving dish. A second later, my mind saw beyond the kitchen and I knew that the most beautiful objects and the most majestic vistas on the planet would never shine for me again because Elysha was not with me.

Then my eyes returned to that serving dish. That simple, ceramic serving dish, sitting on the counter beside the stove, that I knew could be so much more if Elysha was standing with me. Beside me.

I have a lot of nightmares. Post traumatic stress will do that do you. But I have never felt more hopeless and sad in a dream before.