I am not a loser, little one, and I will have the shirt to prove it.

CHICAGO—A study published this week in the journal Pediatrics found that, within seconds of their birth, babies have the ability to sense whether their parents are losers. "From the moment they open their eyes, newborns can tell if their mother had no other options and was forced to settle for their father, or if their father is a sad sack who has no friends and gets drunk on a single glass of chardonnay," said researcher Dr. Stuart Lindstrom, explaining that despite their blurry vision, infants can still identify basic loser body types, and have specialized olfactory receptors allowing them to detect the odor of failure.

If you haven’t figured it out yet, this is actually an Onion story, but I strongly support the premise regardless. It’s the reason I plan to wear my Superman tee-shirt during the birth of my child.

I want to make a great first impression.

I tried to wear the shirt during the birth of my first child, Clara, but in the transition from a natural delivery to an unplanned cesarean section, I was ordered to remove it and don surgical scrubs.

Then I was forgotten in the locker room, causing me to arrive late to the operating room, which resulted in a moment that I will never forget:

My wife on the operating table, the operation already well underway.

I’ll spare you the gory details.   

When my knees buckled and my stomach leapt to my throat, the nurse escorting me grabbed me by the arms with an iron grip and said, “Put your head down and keep moving,” making me feel less than super.

I’m hoping for a better experience this time around.