A new plan for dealing with the never-ending coffee clichés

I know I have attacked the institution of coffee before and also immediately reconsidered that same position. But did you know that there are nine Dunkin’s Donuts within three miles of my home, and seven of them are located within my relatively small, suburban town?

My commute is about five minutes, and I pass two along the way.

Not to mention five Starbucks and an assorted of non-branded coffee shops.

The stuff is everywhere.

It’s also not uncommon for me to arrive at a meeting where the only beverage being served is coffee.

For the non-coffee drinker, it seems as if coffee can be found at every turn.

My complaint, however, has never been with coffee or the consumption of coffee, but once again, with the constant dialogue attached to coffee.

The comments, the complaints, the Facebook updates, the tweets, the laments, and the jokes about needing that first cup.

I can get through a single day without being clichéd to death with coffee.

That’s the crux of the problem. Drink as much coffee as you’d like, but could you all just stop talking about it so much, or at least find something new to say about it?

In order to make me feel better, I’ve come up with a solution:

I am going to echo every coffee comment, complaint and cliché with an identical statement, except I will replace the word "coffee" with "orange juice," a beverage which I consume almost every morning.

You tell me that you need a cup of coffee to wake you up?

I’ll say the same for that glass of OJ I drank this morning.

You tell me that it’s going to be a three cup day?

I’ll lament my decision to drink just a single glass of orange juice this morning.

Tweet something like "The Black Canister has been unearthed! Coffee is nigh (an actual tweet from today).”

I’ll tweet, “The oranges have been picked and squeezed. OJ is nigh.”

This echoing of coffee commentary will serve two purposes:

1.  Maybe after hearing these overdone, overused, clichéd coffee diatribes in a new context, coffee drinkers will consider reducing the number of times they talk about their beverage of choice on a daily basis.

Is this a likely outcome? No. But it’s possible.

2.  More important, it will amuse me, and in doing so, make me happy. It’s not uncommon for me to do something that is seemingly inane and meaningless in order to amuse myself, and while most people think these things are stupid and pointless, happiness is a commodity that is sorely lacking in many lives and one that I consider precious.

If I can do this and sprinkle a little joy into my life without hurting anyone (and perhaps engendering a smile or two from others in the process), I’m in.

My wife also thought the idea was amusing and approved of the plan.  Elysha often serves as my barometer in these matters, distinguishing between the amusing and silly ideas and the downright stupid and potentially offensive ones.

If only I paid better attention to her…