This is a simple comeback that works in certain situations.
Last week, I was listing all of my petty grievances to a friend and how I planned on conquering each one.
His response: "It must be exhausting being you."
My comeback: "No, it's exhausting not being me."
I followed up by ensuring him that I'm the least exhausted person I know, and that the only real solution to exhaustion is being me.
I'm not sure if I really am the least exhausted person I know, but in verbal sparring, unassailable hyperbole is a legitimate tactic.
The verbal strategy that I used here is what I call the "Flip and Own."
You simply take an accusation made by your opponent, flip it on its head in some way, and then fully own the flip.
If you imagine an opponent's attack as a river of potentially damaging words heading your way, the "Flip and Own "is your way of damming up the river, diverting the flow of water in a direction of your choice, and owning all the water as a result.
In this case, I flipped an attempt to make me seem petty and obsessive into a compliment for myself and a insult of the rest of humanity.
It was a good flip. One of my best.
But "Flip and Own" can be as simple as this:
Opponent: "You're a terrible golfer."
Me: "No, I'm actually the worst golfer on the planet, and yet I'm still only two strokes behind you. You're barely beating the worst golfer who ever lived."
Opponent: "I can't believe that you didn't finish that report yet."
Me: I can't believe you already finished that report. My life is so full of wonder and joy that all reports must be completed at the last second and perhaps late or maybe even never because there is simply too much of this world to see and do. How sad it must be for you to have the time to complete something as meaningless and stupid as that report with days or hours or even minutes to go. Should we schedule an intervention?
The Flip and Own.
Only applicable in very specific circumstances but so much fun when the opportunity arises.