9 Specific Steps to Standing Against Donald Trump

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1. Always remember and constantly remind others that Donald Trump became President by losing the popular vote and winning the Electoral College by the fourth slimmest margin in American history. About 25% of Americans voted him into office. And he managed this victory with help from the Russians, who decided that he was their preferred candidate. 

This is important because Trump has been dominating the headlines day after day and will continue to do so. Add to this a Republican Congress and it's easy to believe that you are in the minority and that there is little hope of turning America back on a progressive path. None of this is true. You must remember this and (more importantly) remind others of this whenever possible. People are struggling and need hope. These facts offer a desperately needed dose of perspective.

2. Do not insult Trump voters or supporters. Avoid name calling at all costs. Remember what Michelle Obama advised us to do:

When they go low, we go high.

Insulting Trump supporters only serves to divide us further, and this is not good. It's what Donald Trump wants. It's easier for him to govern when America is divided. Insult Donald Trump all you want, but respect your fellow Americans. They have made a terrible and dangerous choice, but there may come a day when they will begin to question Donald Trump and his decisions. On that day, you want to be available to them absent any former hostility or malice.   

3. Do not allow Donald Trump or his supporters to steal love of country away from us. Hold on tightly to words like "patriotism." Do not allow them to make the American flag or the steadfast support of our military their own. Assert your love for flag and country, your support of our servicemen and women, and your patriotic ideals whenever possible. Bring American flags to marches and rallies. Shake the hands of veterans and those currently serving in our military. Call yourself a patriot. Donald Trump wants to paint his opponents as subversive, weak, and un-American. We must make it clear that we love our country just as much as any other American.    

4. No matter what Trump does in the coming days and months, remember these things that he is desperate for us to forget:

  1. Donald Trump has not released his tax returns despite repeated promises that he would, as every other President has done for the last 40 years. Regardless of what he says, more than 75% of Americans (including more than half of Republicans) still want him to do so. His refusal to release his tax returns in the face of these staggering numbers indicates that he is hiding something embarrassing and potentially damaging. We must not stop reminding people of this campaign promise not kept.
  2. Donald Trump is a sex offender or a person who believes that pretending to be a sex offender is an effective means of making other men like him. This is embarrassing for Trump and cannot be forgotten. Men do not speak like Donald Trump did on that Access Hollywood recording, regardless of what he would have you believe. Remind people of this incident. Do not allow it to be pushed into the past.
  3. Donald Trump established a fake university that stole millions from Americans. As a result, he was forced to pay a multi-million dollar settlement. He tried like hell to hide this settlement by announcing it on a Friday night in the midst of the whirlwind of other news. Don't allow this to happen.
  4. Donald Trump won the election with the help of the Russians who decided that he was their preferred candidate. This is no longer speculation. Trump himself has acknowledged it. Never let him forget it.  
  5. Donald Trump failed to create a blind trust or divest in his business interests as promised and as every other President has done before him. 

5. Support legitimate news sources like the New York Times, the Washington Post, Slate, and more. One of Donald Trump's most dangerous acts has been to undermine faith in legitimate media outlets that threaten to expose him for who he truly is. Thankfully, Americans have responded by subscribing to these legitimate news sources in record numbers. We must continue to support these journalists. They are the people who will investigate Trump and hold him accountable at every turn. Trump undermines the press because he is afraid of them. He has much to hide. 

6. Limit your time spent on social media. It is too easy to become consumed with politics while staring at Facebook and Twitter. Your health is too important to sacrifice it to the endless stream of posts and tweets. You have the time you need to do the things that will make you happy: exercise, meditate, play with your kids, dance in your underwear, or read a good book. You're just spending it on social media. Assign yourself a limit and then get the hell off. 

7. Call your Congresspeople. Call them often. Start by putting the names and numbers of your state Senators and Representative into your phone. Make it simple to call them, and then call often. You'll find yourself speaking to a staffer who is professional, attentive, and genuinely cares about what you have to say. Phone calls mean more to members of Congress than emails, letters, tweets, or Facebook posts.

8. Give credit where credit is due. For example, Trump agreed to extend Obama's 2014 executive order protecting lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people who work for federal contractors. He did so quietly, at 7:00 AM on a Tuesday, and never tweeted a word about it, but it's still a good decision. You cannot establish credibility if you aren't willing to recognize good decisions on Trump's part. The same holds true for Republican members of Congress. When they stand against Trump or his despicable policies, they must be credited for placing country ahead of party. 

9. Stay positive. I have become fond of saying that we are fortunate to be living in interesting times with real enemies to battle and defeat. While I would prefer to be living in a world where Donald Trump is not President, I have chosen to embrace the moment and stand in opposition to this man. This is not a Democrat-Republican fight for me. It is a battle against a narcissistic, erratic, indecent man who is dangerous for our country.

My father fought in Vietnam. This is my fight. 

A very sweet boy who wants to see your insides

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We're so fortunate. Our children are truly beloved by so many of our friends. 

One of those friends is a woman named Kathy, who our four year-old son Charlie feels a special affection for.

A few nights ago, as my wife was tucking in Charlie, he said, "Kathy is my friend."

"I know," Elysha said.

"I can't believe I have a grownup for a friend!" he said, sounding fairly astonished. A moment later, he asked, "Wait. Is Kathy a kid?"

Sweet boy. 

Last night Charlie informed me for the first time that he wants to be a doctor when he grows up. This is a change from his previous career plans of hydrologist or electrician. 

"That's great, Charlie," I said. 

"Yeah," he said. "I want to open people up so I can see what's inside."

Not quite as sweet.

The 5 Stages of an Author's Reaction to Editorial Notes

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I just completed what might be the final edits to my next novel, The Other Mother. After turning in the manuscript to my editor, she returned it to me with editorial suggestions.

I considered the suggestions carefully, agreed with more than 90% of them, and made the changes. After reviewing my revisions, my editor returned it to me with another round of suggestions, and I repeated the process.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

I think we might finally be done. 

The revision process is a good one. It always makes a book better. Typically, the suggestions made by my editor cut away the chaff, help to strengthen themes, and bring greater clarity to character and scenes.

But it's also a process fraught with emotion. I don't always agree with my editor's suggestions. Occasionally I am baffled by her ideas. Confused by her thoughts. Annoyed by her comments Every now and then, I am appalled at what she has recommended. 

I've broken this emotional response down into 5 stages.   

Gratitude: My editor has saved me from a lifetime of embarrassment. I am so stupid. A truly terrible writer. An imposter. I can't believe that she still wants to publish this book. I can't believe that she's still willing to talk to me. I have the best editor on the planet. 

Contentment: A good suggestion. A solid choice on my editor's part. So happy to have her on my side. 

Ambivalence: Fine. I mean, it could go either way, but fine. I can make that change. I'm a fairly agreeable soul. 

Acquiescence: No way. It ain't happening. I mean... if she really feels strongly about this one, I might be able to find a way to agree. Or at least meet her somewhere in the middle. I don't love the idea, but it's not like she's asking me to cut off my hand. Still, I think my way is better.

 Refusal: Does she have any idea how long I spent crafting that sentence? That paragraph? What chapter? There is no way in hell I am changing a single word of that section. She must've been drunk when she was editing this page.

Happily, about 95% of all of my editors suggestions fall into one of the first three stages.  

But that final 5% can really hurt. 

This hateful Muslim Ban must end now.

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Anne Frank would be a 77-year-old woman living in the United States today, but she and her family were denied entry to our country as refugees because of a fear of European immigrants during World War II.

This hateful, bigoted Muslim ban must be lifted. Refugees are some of the most hard working, patriotic people in America today. Denying them access to safety and opportunity in their time of need is the least Christian and most immoral act imaginable.

Right now there are hundreds of Syrian refugees in airports around the world who have undergone months of intense vetting and sold all their worldly possessions in order to purchase plane tickets for America but have now been stopped by Trump's Muslim ban.

International students throughout the United States are now prevented from returning home to visit family lest they be barred from coming back to America to finish their studies.

Iranian film director Asghar Farhadi won't be let into the United States to attend the Academy Awards even though he's nominated for best foreign language film.

This is an inhumane and unnecessary decision by a bigoted President who has never experienced poverty or violence in his life. It tarnishes America's position as a moral leader of the world. It is an embarrassment to Americans everywhere.

I lost a "friend" this week in an interesting, baffling, and amusing way

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A few years ago, I met a man in a workshop that I conducted for would-be authors on finding a literary agent. He was earnest, enthusiastic, and hopeful. He liked the workshop a great deal. He later became a friend on Facebook and would occasionally attend my storytelling shows. 

Last week, I received an email from this man that began:

“Hello Matthew,

I just unfriended you. Bye bye. I suggest you spend a little time with the Constitution before your next social blovation.”

He went onto explain that he does not like Donald Trump but considers Hillary Clinton a career criminal undeserving of my vote. There was more to his argument that I didn't read, but he ended by telling me that he has helplessly watched American exceptionalism atrophy over the eight years. "Now it's your turn. Suck it up."

I am fascinated by this email for a few reasons:

1. He opens the email in such an insulting and demeaning way, but then goes on for quite some time explaining why Clinton is bad and Trump is palatable. If he genuinely wanted to teach me something about Hillary Clinton or help me to understand his opinions, why open with such an offensive, off-putting greeting? I honestly didn't bother to read the bulk of the following paragraph simply because his first few statements made it clear that he was not engaged in thoughtful rhetoric.

2. The "Bye bye" is also interesting. I think it's meant to be condescending, but instead, it comes across (at least to me) as childish. Anything but serious. It's an unfortunate rhetorical choice that strikes me as petulant and angry and in no way helps his cause.

3. The most surprising aspect of his email is simply the fact that he has chosen to unfriend me because of what I have written about the President. Frankly, this kind of astounds me. I have been exceedingly careful to avoid insulting or even criticizing Trump supporters while writing about the President. I stand in opposition to Donald Trump's administration, but I have not attacked the people who voted for him. I have even gone out of my way to explain to some people why fundamentally decent and rational people might have voted for such a fundamentally indecent and irrational candidate.

Disagreeing with my positions on our President and his policies is fine. But why does this person - and so many others - take this difference of opinion so personally? It was not uncommon for me to find myself in the company of someone who did not support Obama while he was President. I was not opposed to listening to their opinions. I was not offended when I learned that they felt differently than me. I oftentimes thought that they were wrong. Misguided. Misinformed. Even dishonest in the deployment of fact. Perhaps even racist on occasion. But their views were not an attack on me personally.  

I found this level of anger directed at me for the expression of my opinions bizarre. After all, I wrote the words. Just don't read them.

4.  Facebook's unfriend feature does not require an email notification. Why not simply unfriend me and move on? Why send me a condescending, insulting email that would most assuredly do nothing by way of enlightening me? Did it make him feel good to spout off? Or why not simply hide my posts? I have hidden the posts of friends and even family members when their level of vitriol exceeds tolerable levels or they attack a group of people to whom my friends or I belong.

Never would I waste my time firing off an angry email in addition to unfriending someone. A thoughtful, rhetorically rational email? Perhaps. But even then, if I was unfriending the person, that's probably enough to turn them off to anything else I might say.

Happily, this email gave me something to think and write about, so it wasn't all bad. It was even a little entertaining. Slightly amusing. 

I don't think that was his intent, but when you use words like "bloviation" (spelled wrong in his email) and phrases like "Bye bye" and "Suck it up," it really can't be helped.

One person is listening. Perhaps more, but at least one. I'm so pleased.

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I was asked by many people on Monday morning about the AFC championship game that I attended on Sunday night. One of the most frequently asked questions was:

"What time did you get home?"

I arrived home on Sunday night around 1:00 AM, but I explained that it was fairly early given the fact that I often arrive home from night games well after 3:00 AM.

Most people have a hard time understanding how I manage this. They also question my sanity when they learn that I will drive to a Moth StorySLAM in Brooklyn, downtown Manhattan, or Boston on a weeknight to maybe tell a five minute story and arrive back home after 1:00 AM.

I have always been a proponent of saying yes when opportunities present themselves, regardless of the sacrifice required.

I am also a proponent of living your life with the perspective of the 100 year old version of yourself.

I know that this advice is good. I know it would make people considerably happier if they followed it. I know that I'm right.

So often, I wonder if anyone is ever listening.

A couple years ago I met a teacher while speaking at her school. Over the past year, she's begun to listen to my advice and take it to heart.

She began by saying yes to taking the stage and telling of a story for Speak Up. This was not an easy thing for her to do, but since then, she's become a Speak Up regular and fan favorite.  

Shortly thereafter, she went to New York and told her first story in a Moth StorySLAM. The next day, she wrote to me about my philosophy of saying yes regardless of the sacrifices required:

"It's the greatest lesson you ever taught me. I'm trying so hard to fight my natural instincts to say no and just say yes. It's annoying how right you always are."

Needless to say I enjoyed that email a lot. 

Last weekend she traveled to Washington, DC to participate in the Woman's March. 

On her way home, she wrote:  

"Learning to live life the Matthew Dicks way. Man, your way is exhausting."

It's true. It can be exhausting. It's not always easy. And it doesn't always work out. Sometimes I drive to Brooklyn for a Moth StorySLAM and never take the stage. Sometimes the Patriots lose a big game, and the long, late night drives home become much more difficult. Sometimes I say yes to something that I must later change to a no when I realize how much I hate it.  

But the willingness to take risks, step outside your comfort zone, brave the elements, forgo sleep, face uncertainty, and suffer possible failure are all superior to a lifetime of regret.

One of the most common regrets expressed by people at the end of their lives, recorded by hospice workers, is this:

I wish that I had let myself be happier.

From Business Insider:

"This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again."

The question people didn't ask me about the AFC championship game (but should've asked me) was this:

What will you remember most about the game?

The list is long. Tom Brady's flea flicker, the way Legarrette Blount carried half of the Steelers team to the goal line, and the huge goal line stand by the Patriots defense will always remain in my mind.

But my favorite part?

Midway through the third period, with the Patriots in the lead, Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer" began booming through the stadium during a timeout. The entire stadium became to sing. A second later, the big screens showed Jon Bon Jovi in one of Gillette Stadium's luxury suites, singing along with us. The crowd roared. Bon Jovi raised his hands and began conducting the crowd as if we were his orchestra. When the music stopped as the Steelers broke the huddle, 60,000 people continued to sing a cappella, finishing the song as Pittsburgh ran a play. 

It was a joyous moment. One of the happiest moments I've experienced in a stadium where I have watched games for more than a decade.

Had I been sitting on my couch at home, warm and dry instead of wet and cold, I would've missed that moment, and what a tragedy that would have been.

Perhaps others have tried to adopt the "Matthew Dicks way" over the years. Maybe they've listened to me speak or watched my TED Talks and changed the way they approach life. 

At least one person has, and for today at least, that is enough for me. 

Things I Do #5: We say my name first

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My longest and best friend, Bengi, and I met behind the counter of a McDonald's restaurant in Milford, MA in 1987. For a moment, he didn't like me, but then we became fast friends and have been side-by-side ever since. 

By 1989, we were living together in a townhouse in Attleboro, MA that we affectionately referred to as The Heavy Metal Playhouse. We would live there for almost four years before Bengi moved to Connecticut for a new job and I became homeless while awaiting trial for a crime I did not commit. 

Eventually I found my way to Connecticut as well. We launched a DJ company in 1997 that still operates today, and we remain the best of friends.

Back in 1989, shortly after moving in together, Bengi and I spent about half an hour in our Attleboro kitchen debating if we should be referred to collectively as "Matty and Bengi" or "Bengi and Matty."

We discussed the merits of each for some time, listing the pros and cons of each. Eventually we decided that "Matty and Bengi" made more sense. The ending sounds of the word "and" and the beginning sounds of "Matty" were too similar and seemed to run into each other when spoken aloud, creating a verbal smudge. The hard constant opening in Bengi served as a break from the "and" and thus prevented this smudging of words.

Needless to say I was pleased, since my name was to come first, but neither of us argued on behalf of ourselves but instead on behalf of the best pairing.

So we became Matty and Bengi, a word combination that was used quite frequently as we hosted raucous parties and met many new people. Years later, when we launched our DJ company, that name combination went back into heavy rotation with our clients and continues to be used quite often today. 

Oftentimes when I hear our names spoken in that familiar combination, I am transported back into that kitchen in Attleboro, MA, with its plastic, floral chairs, scuffed linoleum floors, and the cupboards with our names affixed to the doors.

Two teenagers, just out of high school, living on their own, making important decisions that would echo 28 years into the future.

Psychology of true friends

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My friend Andrew - a golfing fanatic - ruptured his Achilles tendon while playing basketball last week. It's going to be a long road to recovery.

Three months in a walking boot. Eighteen months for a full recovery. 

The next golfing season in serious jeopardy.

My friends and I have a sack of golf balls that we pass from player to player depending upon who has won the last round. Bragging rights of sorts. Andrew currently holds the sack after winning the last round of the last season.

I sent a group text alerting my friends to Andrew's injury.

The first response was a statement of empathy. A question about recovery time.

Andrew provided details and expressed his concern over the upcoming golfing season.

I reminded him that I played golf with a separated shoulder one year and told him to suck it up.

A friend warned him against the hazards of contact sports at his advanced age.

Then we asked about the sack. Demanded it back. Reminded him of the rule that if you miss three rounds of golf, the sack must be returned to the group. Forgot his injury entirely. Moved onto more important things. 

When Andrew attempted to insert a injury clause to the bylaws, we told him we'd just get a new sack. A bigger, better sack.

See that? A momentary expression of empathy for a man who will be suffering through 18 months of pain and rehabilitation and perhaps a loss of the thing he loves most, and then we were ready to stick him on an ice flow and push him out to sea. 

This is what friendship is all about. 

The Today Show: Educational television at its best

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I no longer wear a necktie unless specifically required to do so. They are ridiculous artifices of the past and literally (and perhaps figuratively) nooses around the neck of anyone who wears one.

If you enjoy wearing ties or like the look, more power to you.

If you are forced to wear a tie but despise them, my condolences. You take at least take solace in the fact that sales of neckties and the wearing of them have both been in a steep decline for the last 20 years. Like the hat that men once wore whenever they left the house, ties will one day be a thing of the past. 

In the past ten years, I have worn a necktie exactly three times: 

My sister-in-law's wedding (I was in the bridal party) and two weddings that I officiated and was specifically asked to wear a suit and tie.

But when I wore ties more often, when working in banks and managing McDonald's restaurants, I had to tie them daily. Oddly, I learned to tie a Windsor knot by watching The Today Show one morning when I was in high school. I happened to own exactly one tie at the time, and being a Boy Scout, I saw the segment as an opportunity to learn a new knot. I grabbed the tie, tossed it around my neck, and followed the steps described on television. 

Two minutes later, I was able to tie my own necktie.

Sesame Street taught me about community and the alphabet. 3-2-1 Contact taught me about science. But it was The Today Show circa 1988 that taught me a practical skill that remained useful to me for many years.   

Though I don't wear neckties anymore, I still tie them often for my students before graduation ceremonies, concerts, and school picture day. A small part of me hates to do it, feeling like I'm helping indoctrinate these kids into this bizarre and dying custom of wrapping patterned polyester around their necks because it supposedly looks good. 

Our President is a sex offender or pretends to be a sex offender.

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I have many thoughts on this historic Inauguration Day, but here is one that I will carry with me for the next four years:

Our President - who has not released his tax returns and will violate the Constitution on his first day in office under the emoluments clause - has either admitted to being a sex offender or pretended to be a sex offender. 

If he did what he described, Donald Trump's name would be on a sex offender registry today.

If he was lying about his actions in an attempt to garner the approval of others, Donald Trump thinks that pretending to be a sex offender is an effective means of getting attention.

There is no third explanation for his behavior. It can only be one or the other. 

Donald Trump is either a sex offender or pretended to be one.   

Thankfully, the countdown to the end of his Presidency begins today.

A short-sighted and fairly presumptuous name

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I've recently learned that Occidental College received it's name from the fact that it was the western-most institution of higher learning in the United States at the time of its establishment in 1887. 

Occidental (from the root occident) means "the countries or lands of the West" (in contrast to "Oriental," which implies countries or lands of the East).

This strikes me as a short-sighted and fairly presumptuous name, particularly since it is no longer the western-most institution of higher learning. 

Unless you are absolutely sure that no college will ever be established west of your position, naming your college based upon it's far western position is destined to look silly when someone builds something a block father west than you. 

I might know more about education than Trump's nominee for Education Secretary.

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Betsy DeVos is Donald Trump's nominee for Education Secretary. Here are some facts that emerged from yesterday's Senate confirmation hearing:

  • She called the public school systems a "dead end" even though she did not attend a public school, did not send her children to public schools, and never taught in a public school. 
  • She has no experience with college financial aid- either from the personal or administrative side.
  • She does not understand the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act.
  • She doesn't know the difference between proficiency and growth as it relates to student learning (an important distinction and a major debate in education today).
  • She supports Trump's plan to rescind gun-free school zones and refuses to say that guns do not belong in schools.
  • She refuses to say that she will enforce the gainful employment rule - a law that prevents fake institutions of higher learning like Trump University from receiving federal dollars.
  • She claimed that her 14 year position as Vice President of family.org, an anti-LGTB organization, was a "clerical error."

I think we deserve a whole lot better than this.  

To her credit, she also acknowledged that the behavior described by Donald Trump on that bus with Billy Bush constitutes sexual assault. I'm sure that if pressed, she would attribute his bragging as "locker room talk" or some other nonsense, but at least she acknowledged that if it actually happened, Trump would be labeled as sex offender. 

The again, we all knew that already.

Unfair assumption #29: Football fans are more effective in emergencies

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As we left the house last night, our 19 year-old babysitter was settling in to watch the end of the Atlanta Falcons - Seattle Seahawks playoff game.

She'd been watching the first half of the game at home before coming over.   

When I arrived home from the show five hours later, she was sitting in the living room, watching the Patriots - Texans playoff game. She was kind enough to turn the game off as I entered the house so I could watch it on tape delay (after ensuring that her father was recording it at home as well), but still, she was watching intently when I walked in the door.

Just so we are clear: She watched NFL football on her own for almost the entire time that I was gone.

I know it's entirely unfair to assume anything based upon her viewing preferences, but if the house suddenly caught fire, a bear clawed its way into our home, or the Russians invaded our town Red Dawn style, I can't help but think that this 19 year-old woman would handle the situation with ease.

Or at least more competently than the babysitter who spends the evening watching the Kardashians or The Family Feud.  

An unfair assumption to be sure, but it's a gut feeling that I can't help but think is at least a little bit true.  

When I explained my assumption to Elysha, she informed me that our babysitter is also attending Harvard University and is home on break.

Perhaps my gut instincts are more accurate than previously thought. 

Springsteen on parents (and perhaps a path to my salvation)

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“We honor our parents by carrying their best forward and laying the rest down. By fighting and taming the demons that laid them low and now reside in us. It’s all we can do, if we’re lucky. ”
— Bruce Springsteen

I have walked for a long time in the shadow of parents whose decisions I could not understand. Decisions that still hurt me to this day.  

I have been unable to find the forgiveness required to put the past behind me and move forward. Perhaps I never will.

But these words have perhaps shown me a path to that forgiveness. A means by which I can step outside that shadow and find some light.  Whether I can ever take those steps is still uncertain, but for the first time in my life, I feel like I can see the way. 

The best thing about my wife's family might surprise you (but shouldn't)

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There's many things I love about the family that I have married into. 

  • Their absolute acceptance of me despite our many differences
  • Their support and encouragement of my teaching, writing, and performing career 
  • Their unbridled love for my children

There are also some quirky aspects of the family that I have grown to adore.

  • Their insistence of a full account of every one of my medical or proposed medical procedures (and their subsequent demands for a fourth opinion).
  • Their reverence for the morning-after-the-visit breakfast of bagels and locks (necessitating an overnight stay when I could've just as easily driven home the night before).   
  • Their need for gifts to be opened as absolutely soon as possible (once before I even removed my coat).

But the thing that appreciate about them most is perhaps this:

No one in my wife's family has ever proposed that we run a 5K on a holiday.

No Turkey Trots. No Ugly Sweater Runs. No Snowflake Shuffles. No Jingle Bell Jogs. No "Ringing in the New Year" Runs.   

I can't begin to imagine the agony and ruination of the poor soul who marries into a family who thinks that they best way to spend a Thanksgiving or Christmas or New Year's Day morning is to drag their asses to some arbitrary starting line in the freezing cold to run alongside a bunch of equally brain damaged lunatics.

Sometimes it's the little things that matter most. 

Spare your parental advice unless you know how to give parental advice

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If you're a parent of a child of any age, I would like to suggest that before you dispense with any parental advice to fellow parents, you carefully consider if you're qualified.   

Much of the advice that I am offered or overhear has one or two problems:

  1. It presents a bleak future. 
  2. It's often inaccurately bleak. 

Rather than talking about the joys that come with raising a child, so many parents seem hell-bent on assuring anyone who will listen that the diapers will be endless, the costs will only rise, the middle school years will be torturous, the high school years tumultuous, and you will be exhausted at all times. There will be talk of cracked nipples, late-night feedings, vomit and snot, never-ending carpools, and the inability to ever see a movie in a theater again. 

It's a lousy way to represent parenting to someone whose children are younger than yours or whose child has yet to be born.

No, lousy is not the word. It's a selfish and ignorant way to present parenting. It's despicable.  

Even if it were all true, it's still a rotten thing to do.

But it's also so often an inaccurate depiction of parenting, for one of two reasons:

1. It suffers from human being's tendency to remember the bad and forget the good. You go on a weeklong vacation to Bermuda and come home talking about the three hours spent on the runway when the plane needed repair or the lost luggage or the two days of endless rain, and you fail to mention (and sometimes fail to even remember) the five or six perfect days of sun and fun. 

The same thing happens with parenting. You stare into your baby's eyes and experience a love that you have never felt before in all your life. You rock your baby in your arms and become convinced that you could remain in this chair with your baby forever. You understand the meaning of bliss for the first time in your life.

Six hours later, that same baby vomits all over you. When someone asks the next day for parenting advice, you talk about cleaning up vomit instead of love.

I hear parents do this all the time. It's awful and unkind and unfair.  

2. The advice is also wildly inaccurate because parents assume that their experience will be everyone else's experience, when this is almost never the case. Every parent and every child is wildly different from the next. If every input is different, how could the output possibly be the same?

I was told by many friends, for example, that my children would invariably sleep in my bed for a sizable portion of their young lives, whether I liked it or not. I was told that it would be impossible for me to keep them off of my pillows. One of my friends became angry with me when I suggested that perhaps he didn't need to be sleeping in his kids' beds more than his own.

"You just wait and see," he said. "It isn't as easy as you think!" 

Today my kids are seven and four years-old, and other than about half-a-dozen late night bad dreams, neither child has ever slept in our bed. All of the doomsday advice that I received about sleeping - from many apparently well-meaning parents - was nonsense.

These inaccurate, self-assured descriptions of parenting are endless. 

I listen to the parents of teenagers warn the parents of infants about the hazards of social media, failing to realize that social media will be entirely different and probably unrecognizable in ten years.

I listen to them warn about nightly homework battles and restaurant temper tantrums and sullen. silent teenage boys. I hear about the pressures of high school and the ubiquity of drugs and alcohol and the battles with teachers over this and that.

I don't doubt that these things happen. But they don't always happen. Just because they happened to you doesn't mean they will happen to anyone else.

As a teacher for almost 20 years, it has become abundantly clear to me that children come in a multitude of varieties, and although the notion that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree is sometimes true, it's also true that parents and kids can also vary in surprising ways. The most capable, competent, consistent parent can raise the most challenging child, and the most ineffective, uninformed, inconsistent parent can raise the most respectful, responsible child ever.  

To think that your experience with your child will be like another parent's experience with another child is ridiculous. 

So if you want to give parents advice, here is what I suggest:

Be positive. When asked for general advice, I often start by telling parents that parenting is better than most people say or believe. I tell them to remember that whatever their child is doing to make them crazy is probably temporary. It will eventually be replaced by something equaling annoying, but children's behaviors tend to change rapidly. Don't think that anything is forever.  

I tell them to avoid the perils of the false threats. If you tell your child that you are going to do something, do it every time no matter what. Don't make promises you can't keep. 

I tell them to take as many photos as possible. Write down the hilarious and clever things that their children say when they are young. Drop everything and play with them whenever you can and every time they ask. I tell them to smell their child's hair and pick them up as often as possible while they still can. I tell them to invest in a self-rocking cradle and to remember that making mistakes is normal. It's exceptionally hard to break a child.

I don't tell them about the difficult times unless they ask, and even then, I try to keep it positive if possible.

Yes, my son spent two years biting Elysha, but eventually it stopped. And I was kind of jealous he only bit me once.

Yes, my daughter still won't eat a chicken nugget or any leafy vegetable, but she's growing like a week and as strong as a bull. She'll find her way.    

And yes, the two people in the world who I want to see more than anyone else - even when they are acting like rotten little brats - are my kids. I love them in a way I didn't think possible. It's glorious.

And yes, we're incredibly busy today. Hardly a free moment. But I put myself through college - a double major - while working 40-60 hours a week managing a fast food restaurant. I was once homeless and in jail. Tried for a crime I didn't commit. 

Busy? Sure. But this parenting thing is a hell of a lot more fun than anything I've ever done before. I'll take as much of it as I can get. 

This is what I tell parents. It's what you should tell parents, too.  

Speak about the joy. The laughter. The love.

If you have to speak of the vomit or the diapers or college tuition, find a way to be positive.

Either that or keep your mouth shut.