Brand new gift idea for that needy boy named Sue.

This is the kind of gift that isn’t right for everyone, and it might not go over well with the boy’s parents, but here’s a possible holiday gift idea that might be perfect under the right circumstances: Give a boy a real name to replace his wimpy, girlish, pansy name.

I'm not going to call out any names in particular in fear of offending, but you know the kinds of names I mean. We all do.

Place the new name, preferably something like Stan or Jake or Troy, in a small box with an explanation that reads something like this:

Despite your parents’ unwavering love for you, they have inexplicably saddled you with a name normally assigned to girls, dolls, and small animals. Therefore, I hereby assign you a new name. A manly name. A name that you can feel free to use whenever your parents aren’t around.

And when you turn eighteen, you can get your name legally changed to this new name if you’d like. I’d be happy to take you down to the courthouse and help facilitate the process, and maybe afterwards, you’ll let me treat you to a celebratory dinner.

Like I said, this idea might not be fully appreciated by the boy’s parents, but sometimes the best gifts are the ones that parents despise.

Finger paints, water guns, fireworks, and now new names.

Under the right circumstances, this might turn out to be the best gift ever.

Trust me.  I speak from experience.

My father’s name is Leslie Dicks.

Can you imagine how happy he would’ve been as a kid to receive a new name?