My biggest fan and my arch nemesis go on a date. It doesn’t turn out well.

This story is too strange to be believed. But it’s true.

It involves two people. I will avoid using their  names in order to protect their identity, though I suspect that the woman in the story wouldn’t mind me using her name (she gave me permission to write about this), and I would take great personal pleasure in naming the man.

But I will refrain.

The woman in the story is one of my biggest fans. She has read all of my books, reads and comments on my blog regularly and has written me some of the kindest and most generous emails about my work that I have ever received. She promotes my work to her friends. Even her mother is a fan of my books. She lives in Wisconsin, so we have never actually met, but she has begun to feel like a friend to me.

I met the man in this story in the green room of a local television studio a few years ago. I was doing a promotional spot for an upcoming literary festival, and he had recently appeared on a game show and was being interviewed about the experience. He is also a writer. He has published a  supernatural detective novel (though I can’t actually find his book online) and writes for various small, online entities.

After chatting in the green room for a while, we exchanged contact information and became friends on Facebook.

Over the course of the next year or so, he began commenting on my blog posts and status updates with great regularity. His comments were almost always negative. He attacked my positions, criticized my writing and challenged me at every opportunity. His comments were often biting and sarcastic.

Truthfully, I didn’t mind much. I like to fight. But it was admittedly disconcerting how consistent he was in his attacks on me. He never let up. My wife came to despise him for his constant rants. Friends asked me who this man was and what he had against me. He had quickly become my online nemesis.

Then one day he went away. Honestly, I never even noticed. I wasn't exactly looking forward to his frequent comments, so when they stopped, I failed to notice.

That was a couple years ago.

This week I received an email from my biggest fan in Wisconsin.

From her email:

I met a guy online a few years ago. He was nerdy and Mensa, and I was single and have never minded boyfriends who are 5'6" compared to my 5'10" frame. We got to know each other on Facebook for a year and a half. Sometimes things we were reading in our spare time would come up.

After more than a year of getting to know each other, he flew out here to Madison for a few days for a date weekend. He flew out here from Connecticut.

He saw one of your books on the table and said, "I know this guy."

I said, “Oh, I am obsessed with this guy's stories. My mother discovered his first book at an ALA convention and I cannot get these stories off my mind. I'm into book three, and it's good, but this author has me spinning because I never know what to expect.”

My friend said, “I know this guy. He is a know-it-all and I hate him and even unfriended him on Facebook,”

I was like, “Oh! I'm sorry to hear it. Please tell me more.”

He said that you thought you knew more than he did. Period.

The weekend did not end well because he spent most of his time playing video games on his phone. I asked him about this and he said there's nothing wrong with this.

His books make no sense to me and are not interesting.

I can't get 40 pages into his books.

He was a rotten date, boring dinner company, and played video games all evening long.

First, what are the odds that these two people, with such divergent connections to me and separated by such great distances, would come together?

Slim seems like a lot. Right?

But best of all is what my wife said when I shared the story with her:

“Your biggest fan and your arch nemesis went on a date!”

She’s right. Even though they live about 2,000 miles apart, my biggest fan and my arch nemesis came together for possible romantic entanglement.

I like to think that it was the presence of my book on that table that saved my biggest fan from years of dating misery, but I suspect that even if my name had not come up, she would’ve jettisoned this guy.

It’s an incredibly small world, especially when you write stories that crisscross the globe.

How To Be A Grownup in 10 Steps

Kelly Williams Brown's book Adulting: How to Become a Grown-Up in 468 Easy(ish) Steps is reportedly “the most helpful guide to becoming a successful adult you'll ever find.”

Publisher’s Weekly recently offered ten steps from her book to get you started.

I decided to create my own list. If you have a suggestion to add my list, I would love to hear it.

How To Be A Grownup in 10 Steps According to Matthew Dicks

1. Never speak poorly of a person’s physical appearance. This includes references to a person’s weight and choice of clothing.

2. Make every effort to arrive on time for all things.

3. Drive safely at all times. Many lives depend upon it. 

4. Never judge a person based upon the quality (or absence) of their gift.

5. Spend more time reading than watching television.

6. Get an annual physical and flu shot.

7. Let go of the expectation that life should be fair and equitable.

8. Freely acknowledge your weaknesses and faults.

9. Exercise with regularity.

10. Regardless of your circumstances, be an outstanding role model whenever you are in the presence of children.

The perfect Mother’s Day gift or the worst Mother’s Day gift of all time? I’m not sure.

I bought my wife a cookbook for Mother’s Day. It was a book that my daughter and son were going to give her as their gift.

I was extremely proud of my choice of book. It was written by a woman whose blog I know she loves. I was also recommended by the bookstore as an excellent Mother’s Day gift.

I couldn’t wait to see the look on her face when she opened her gift.

Yesterday afternoon I saw her using the same book to make a cake.

It turns out she already owns the book.

Not only does she own the book, but it is the only book that she has ever preordered.

She has also seen the author speak.

Her book is even signed by the author.

She could not own this book any more than she already does.

I’m not sure if this news should make me happy because I clearly chose the perfect gift had she not owned it already, or if I should feel like a fool for buying her a book that is apparently in her hands at least a few times every week.

The two best pieces of writing advice that Roger Ebert ever received

I’m listening to Roger Ebert’s memoir and loving every minute of it.

 

The two best pieces of writing advice that he was ever given (forgive me for forgetting the source) is advice that I can get behind wholeheartedly.

1. Don't wait for inspiration. Just start the damn thing. 
2. Once you begin keep on until the end. How are you supposed to know where to begin until you see where the story is going?

Ebert was known for being one of the fastest and more prolific writers in the business, but he contended that he was no faster than anyone else.

“I just spend less time not writing.”

I try to live my life by this principle.

“Come out! Come out! Wherever you are!”

I wonder if my librarian and bookseller friends ever use this strategy when attempting to locate a wayward book on a shelf:

A book about sex that I should’ve written.

The Daily Beast reports on a new book, The Newlywed's Guide to Physical Intimacy, available in stores soon:

A new sex guide to be published in Hebrew aims at teaching orthodox Jews the basics of sex.

How basic?

The book goes as far as outlining the anatomical differences between males and females. The author, Dr. David Ribner, has a doctorate in social work and is an ordained Rabbi. He has spent the last 30 years working with orthodox Jews in Israel, who often know absolutely nothing about male-female interactions.

As a fifth grade teacher, I actually teach some of this basic anatomy as part of our health curriculum. I would’ve been the perfect person to write this book. I have plenty of experience dealing with students who are clueless in this regard. 

Of course, the book also address sex, which is not a part of our fifth grade curriculum. But it does so very carefully. Rather than actually including information about sex in the book, there is a a sealed envelope on the back flap, with a warning to readers that it contains sexual diagrams. If you don't want to look at them, you can rip off the envelope and throw it away.

Inside are three diagrams of basic sexual positions.

Just three?

This could be the first and last word that these people ever receive in terms of sex, and all they are being given are three positions?

These are grown men and women who have no idea what the anatomy of the opposite sex even looks like, and in many cases, they don’t understand how their own anatomy works.

Just three positions?

They need as much help as they can get.

I should’ve written this book.

Children swallowing poisoned beads was not my original plan. I swear.

In 2012 I participated in the Books on the Nightstand Booktopia event in Santa Cruz, California. The culmination of the weekend is an event called the Celebration of Author, wherein each author speaks for about ten minutes.

My talk, as well as that of author Cara Black, was broadcast on the Books on the Nightstand podcast this week. I spoke about the importance of reading Shakespeare by telling some amusing stories from fifteen years of teaching Shakespeare to elementary students.

You can listen to my talk (as well as Cara’s) here.

The Kobo eReader: Better than paper? Probably not. But incredible.

I own a Kindle. I tried to use it. I did not like it.

It turns out that I prefer paper. Paper is my friend.

This, however, could be a game changer.

Okay. Probably not. But still. It looks fantastic.

Random thoughts and observations from a weekend spent with authors and readers

Booktopia, the annual weekend retreat in Vermont that brings authors and readers together, has come to a close. Hosted by Ann Kingman and Michael Kindness, producers of the Books of the Nightstand podcast, it has become one of our favorite weekends of the year. As I sit at my dining room table on Monday morning, I reflect back on some of my thoughts and lessons from this amazing weekend.

________________________________ Two authors compared the release of their books as a wedding day. I must assume that this is a female thing.

I think of a book release more like opening day of the baseball season.

Let the competition begin.

________________________________ Steve Yarbrough and I have identical writing processes. Identical. I feel like slightly less of a hack today thanks to Steve.

________________________________ I heard three writers talk about how their first books brought validation to the time spent away from families, friends and other pursuits, as well as self-assurance about their standing as a writer. I suspect that this is also a more typical female reaction.

Sometimes the arrogance, selfishness and self-centeredness of the average American man makes life a little easier.

________________________________ Listening to Nichole Bernier talk about how she finds the time to write with a large family and other obligations was a lesson for all. She doesn’t watch television. She apologizes for her messy house. She has given up on running a marathon. She strips her life of things that do not contribute to the pursuit of her goals. It’s impressive. Possibly insane. But that’s the life of a writer.

So many times I hear would-be writers say they just don’t have the time to write. I asked this question at a writing session this weekend:

Would you rather get out of bed at 6:00 AM every day for the next year and have no book written at the end of the year or get out of bed at 5:30 AM every day for the next year and have a book in your hand when the year is finished?

Everyone can sacrifice 30 minutes of sleep in pursuit of their dream.

________________________________ Author Jon Clinch and I have a book idea that will hopefully expand the base of male fiction readers.

This should be easy, since none exist.

This is an exaggeration, of course. Of the approximately 100 Booktopia attendees, there were was a solid five or six who were not female.

________________________________ A tip I learned while listening to Will Schwalbe speak to readers during one of his author sessions:

Will asks just as many questions of his audience as they ask of him. It’s a generous and genuine way of engaging people in the discussion and something I should do more often.

________________________________ I was both surprised and entertained by the debate over how readers and authors should handle online reviews of books. It was one of my favorite moments of the weekend. For a few seconds, I thought we might have actual fisticuffs, which would’ve been AWESOME.

A Booktopia rumble.

I think Ann Kingman would’ve kicked all our asses.

I have my own opinions on the subject and will save them for a post later this week.

________________________________ It’s often said that publishing is a small world. It’s true.

It turns out that author Will Schawlbe is my editor’s former boss. Unfortunately, Will was too much of a gentleman to offer me any embarrassing stories about Brenda.

Also, author Amy Brill has been serving on The Moth’s advisory council for years and is telling her first story onstage on Tuesday night. Sadly, Amy and I kept missing chances to chat this weekend, and I didn’t learn about her Moth connections until after she had gone home.

________________________________ I listened to two female authors speak about the challenges involved with balancing their writing life with their various other roles, including those of mother and wife.

I found the inclusion of the role of wife interesting. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a man talk about the demands associated with his role as a husband.

I’m not sure what this means. Perhaps men simply don’t speak so openly about these demands as often. More likely women are more thoughtful and considerate than men.

I’ll continue to think about it.

________________________________ Combining 19 people at three separate tables on one $600 check was a terrible decision by our waitress. Failing to inform us of this lunacy prior to doing so was inexcusable. Explaining that we could each pay cash or simply divide the total by 19 was insulting.

Yes. I’m still annoyed about this.

________________________________ A couple of years ago I wrote a post about all the jobs that I’ve had over the course of my lifetime. After listening to author Chris Pavone speak on Saturday night about the multitude of jobs that he has held during his lifetime, I’d love to see him write a similar (albeit considerably longer) post.

________________________________ I have always believed that one of the best questions to ask a person when getting to know them is about the path that led them to their current job. Paul once again proved me right on Saturday night. His paperboy-turned-wholesale produce manager was one of my favorite stories from the weekend.

________________________________ My wife is not afraid to speak in public. In a few weeks, she will be hosting our first Speak Up storytelling event at Real Art Ways.

Still, I was shocked when she rose from her seat in the audience on Sunday morning, walked over to Booktopia co-host Ann Kingman, and demanded the microphone so that she could thank Ann and Michael for the incredible weekend they give to us each year.

I was less surprised when she became verklempt while speaking and had to tag-team her closing remarks with author Nichole Bernier. She’s as easy to make cry as Ann Kingman.

Still, had you told me that my wife would spontaneously offer the closing remarks for Booktopia 2013, I would’ve thought you crazy.

________________________________ Both of our children slept through the night for the three nights that they spent with the in-laws. Charlie even napped fairly well.

   

________________________________ I left Vermont thinking that if I didn’t have to spend so much time writing, I might be able to read as often as these crazy book fanatics. Wouldn’t that be wonderful?

Booktopia blurs the lines between author and reader.

Booktopia is a series of literary retreats organized by Ann Kingman and Michael Kindness, host of the podcast Books on the Nightstand. For the past three years, my wife and I have been coming to Vermont in April to attend these retreats, and last year, I attended Booktopia Santa Cruz as well.

I was a featured author at the very first Booktopia for my novel UNEXPECTEDLY, MILO, and last year I was a featured author again in Santa Cruz for MEMOIRS OF AN IMAGINARY FRIEND.

In addition to Manchester, Vermont, this year’s Booktopias will also take place in Bellingham, Washington and Petokkey, Michigan.

As this most recent Booktopia weekend comes to a close, I am reminded of an email I received a week ago from a reader in California. It was titled “Will we see you in Bellingham?” and it read:

Hi Matthew.  Your friends from Santa Cruz would like to know... Will you attend again?

I was flattered by the thought that someone far away was hoping I would be joining them in Washington later this year, but in truth, I wasn’t sure if this person was asking me this question as an author or simply as a lover of books.

Unlike any other literary event that I have attended, Booktopia mixes authors and readers into one big melting pot, and the distinction between who is writing books and who is reading books is rapidly blurred because we are all reading books. Authors and readers alike. As often as I find myself talking about one of my books with a reader, I am just as likely to be engaged in a conversation about another book that I did not write. As honored as I am to speak at Booktopia, I attend these gatherings first as a reader who wants to hear from an author rather than an author who wants to meet readers.

I suspect this is the case with almost all of the Booktopia authors as well. Within a very short time, you find that you are less of an author at a Booktopia event and more of a reader who happens to write from time to time as well.

The answer to my friends in Santa Cruz is probably no. The dates to the next two Booktopia events don’t line up well for me, and travel to Michigan and Washington can be expensive. But I haven’t ruled out either trip yet, simply because even though I am almost certainly not going, to admit that reality would make me too sad.

It begins with a love of the object

I am a library maker.

Clara told me that I am a “library maker.”

“Because you make books, Daddy,” she said.

She could’ve burned the house down and spent all the money in the checking account on chocolate ice cream and doll house furniture (her two favorite things), and I still wouldn’t have punished her today.

Be different. But be prepared to suffer, despite what parents and teachers may tell you.

While I think this book looks excellent, it also seems to embrace a fundamental flaw in the teaching of young people.

It’s an issue that I am slightly obsessed with.

We tell our children to be themselves. Be different. Blaze their own trail. Ignore peer pressure. Find their own style.

But unless those differences allow you to guide Santa’s sleigh on a foggy night (as is the case for Rudolph) or fly (as is the case for Dumbo), you are likely to lead a difficult life. People will punish you for being different. Nonconformity breeds contempt.

You may ultimately succeed, but it will never be as easy as your parents and teachers make it seem.

Nor will it be as easy as this book seems to imply.

Do Not Read List

I can’t remember the last time I was anti-book, but in this case, I agree wholeheartedly.

The future of publishing

When it comes to the future of publishing, I want it on the record that my wife and I are doing our jobs to ensure the existence of future readers.

A easy-to-implement, nearly-free, must-steal idea for libraries and bookstores everywhere: Blind Date with a Book

On Thursday I had the honor of speaking to a large and enthusiastic audience at the Townsend Public Library in Townsend, Massachusetts. MEMOIRS OF AN IMAGINARY FRIEND was chosen for their annual One Book One Town event, and I couldn’t have been more thrilled. I spent the first hour talking about the craft and business of writing and the second hour discussing the book. There were so many questions from the audience that the lights literally went out before we were finished.

The library is beautiful and the staff is knowledgeable, down-to-earth and incredibly passionate about books.

While strolling through the aisles before the event, I stumbled upon this ingenious means of promoting books that I think every library  and bookstore should steal immediately:

Blind Date with a Book.

Books are wrapped in colorful wrapping paper, adorned with clues about the book, and left on the shelf for patrons to check out as a surprise read.

In addition to providing library patrons with the occasional surprise read, these books would make for great gifts in a bookstore. They come already wrapped in the event the buyer is in a rush (which I always am), and there is an added layer of mystery and suspense that makes the gift unique and a little more fun and interesting for both the giver and the receiver.

    

USA versus UK

The Millions recently ran a piece entitled Judging Books by Their Covers 2013: U.S. Vs. U.K. that compares book covers in the United States to their literary counterparts in the United Kingdom.

It’s an interesting look at the different interpretations of a novel. My reactions to the books featured in the Millions piece tend to be split (though I think the Hillary Mantel and Madeline Miller UK covers are far superior), as are my feelings for MEMOIRS OF AN IMAGINARY FRIEND, which actually published first in the UK.

My opinion regarding which one I prefer changes almost daily.

 

I’m an Elizabeth Bennet.

PRIDE AND PREJUDICE is 200 years old this week.

In celebration of this anniversary, Anglerfish Magazine created a “Which Pride and Prejudice Character Are You?” flowchart.

Usually these flowcharts are nonsense, but this one seems, at least for me, spot on.

It turns out that I am a Lizzie (Elizabeth Bennet), which is described as:

You are strong willed and aren’t afraid to express your opinion when you feel the moment is right. You can find it difficult to empathize with people of a different opinion or nature to yourself.

If asked to write a two sentence description of myself, I may have chosen these very words.

No wonder I like the book so much. Other than the emphasis placed on marrying a wealthy man (I cannot tell you how much this desire both disgusts and disturbs me, regardless of the time period), I have always adored the story.

The flowchart also led me to The Lizzie Bennet Diaries, an online, modern day video journal adaption of the book that I highly recommend. Hilarious and exceptionally well done.

I wonder if his children’s book is nearly as impenetrable as his adult fiction.

I’d purchase a copy to find out for myself, but it is sadly out of print. Amazon is offering it for as low as $98.97, but I don’t need to know that badly.

My fictional relationships with women

I’ve had three serious but fictional relationships with women in my life.

Each one was more serious than the last.

My first began in elementary school with Annette Funicello. Annette appeared in the beach blanket bingo movies that preceded Creature Double Feature on Chanel 56 on Saturday mornings. I took one look at her and instantly fell in love. When Annette was singing, I believed with all my heart that she was singing to me.

I was eight years old at the time, so what the hell did I know.

Though passionate and sincere, my torrid affair with Annette Funicello came to an end with my discovery of Laura Ingalls Wilder, first through the Little House of the Prairie television series and then through her books. Though I was somewhat aware (though in constant denial) that Laura Ingalls Wilder was both married and dead, the feelings that I had with this woman, thanks to Melissa Gilbert and especially her books, were not to be deterred. While Annette was more of a fling, I had a genuine love affair with Laura Ingalls Wilder that lasted longer than I would care to admit.

It was especially fitting that the last time I saw my mother alive, we watched Little House on the Prairie together. It was like bringing an old friend to her bedside one last time.

After Laura, it was a long time before I engaged in another fictional relationship. This makes sense, of course, because in that time, I grew up and became an adult.

My adulthood also makes it admittedly disturbing that there is one more fictional relationship on my list.  

I was in my early thirties at the time, living on my own following my divorce from my ex-wife. It was an odd time in my life, both pleasantly and tragically absent of companionship, and in this strange space, I fell in love with a woman named Jaye on the tragically short-lived but extraordinary television show Wonderfalls.

Until I met my wife, I had never met a more perfect woman than Jaye Tyler (fictional women tend to be surprisingly perfect), and the Friday evenings that we spent together came to mean a great deal to me. There were nights, in fact, when I told me friends that I could not meet them until after 10:00, because I had a 9:30 date with Jaye.

“Record the damn show,” one of my friends once said.

“I can’t do that to Jaye,” I said, and I meant it. For the briefest moment of time, I became convinced that I could be happy dating this fictional television character every Friday night.

And I was.

Eventually I began dating in real life, probably because Fox began changing the show’s time slot, and I could see that the end was near. Wonderfalls only aired a total of four episodes before being canceled despite outstanding reviews from critics, but I purchased the full season on DVD as soon as it was available and have since shared the show with my wife and several friends.

Everyone who watches Wonderfalls loves the show. They cite its clever, quirky plot and cast of unique and compelling characters, but I suspect that it’s Jaye that they love the most.

For about a month of my life, she was the one who I loved the most as well.