Deathbed regrets

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I don’t ever plan on dying, but if I did, I would hope to die without too many regrets. A palliative care worker recently wrote about the top five regrets that she heard from dying patients. They are:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This should not be a problem for me.  In fact, I may end up wishing that I had been willing to conform a little more often over the course of my never-ending  lifetime, but we’ll see.  Either way, this is a theme that runs through all of my books and one that is extremely important to me, so I’m inclined to think that this would be the last thing that I would find myself regretting on my hypothetical deathbed.

2. I wish I didn't work so hard.

This might be a problem for me, though I am more inclined to think that I would regret the number of hours spent working rather than the amount of effort that I put forth. While I enjoy the work that I do a great deal, I work a lot. But will I regret the hours spent teaching and writing? Maybe…

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

This, like the first regret, is not going to be an issue for me. Once again, I may find myself regretting the reverse. I may end up lamenting my lack of tact and restraint at times but certainly not the courage to express my feelings.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Also not a concern for me. With very little family, my friends have come to play an enormous role in my life, and I stay in close touch with them on a regular basis. A friend recently commented on the large number of friends that Elysha and I have, and I feel blessed to be so fortunate.

And besides, with Facebook, who can’t stay in touch with friends these days?

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

I wasn’t sure what this meant. The author explains:

“This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice.  They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.”

This is stupid.

Happiness is a choice?

Pretending to be content?

Who are these people?

I have done a lot of stupid things in my life, and I will continue to act stupidly  on an absurdly regular basis, but failing to seek happiness and not allowing myself to laugh or be silly will not be included on the rather long list.

If I had to predict my regrets right now, they would be:

1. I did not travel enough.

2. I never pole vaulted after high school.

3. I did not spend enough time with my children.

4.  I did not get into enough fist fights.

5. I started publishing novels too late in life and did not have a chance to tell all my stories.

Thankfully, I can correct most of these if given enough time. And since I have no intention of dying, I should have plenty.

My only concern is spending enough time with my children. I fear that no matter how much time I spend with them, it will never feel like enough.

I’m not sure who will give me a chance to vault again, but perhaps stop by track practice at a local high school someday soon and ask if I could give it a shot. All I need to find is a coach who doesn’t worry about liability issues and I’ll be set.

So what if it’s been twenty years since I vaulted. I can probably still clear opening height. Right?

One of the only reasons to like the fashion industry

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I can’t stand the fashion industry. Even though I readily admit to watching Project Runway (for the creativity and problem-solving on display and not the fashion), the whole industry makes me a little sick. The obsession with physical appearance that the industry promotes, its use of stick-thin models and the way in which labels are plastered all over items for the purpose of allowing others to equate the price of the item to its perceived value is ludicrous, materialistic and disgusting.

Other than my sneakers, I am proud to say that I own a label-free wardrobe.

That said, this is the best thing I’ve seen from the fashion industry in a very long time:

Warm and wet but not too long

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My wife commented that the showers that she took during our recent stop in New York City were some of the most relaxing that she’s had in a year. At home, it’s not uncommon to be showering while our daughter pounds on the glass from the other side, demanding our immediate egress. Though we rightly ignore her, it admittedly does not make for a relaxing experience. But here’s the thing:

In listening to Elysha describe how relaxing her showers have been, I realized that she wants her shower to be relaxing. She expects it to be relaxing. And in querying other people since then, almost all seem to agree.

A shower should be a relaxing experience.

I hate showering. I view it as something that gets in my way, an activity that keeps me from the things I’d rather be doing. I make every effort to minimize my time in the shower by eliminating all unnecessary steps. I just don’t have time to stand there, doing nothing.

No wonder so many people seem to spend forever in the shower.

They want to be there.

I guess I sort of knew this all along, but until I heard my wife actually verbalizing this idea, the concept of a purposefully long, relaxing, shower never occurred to me.

While I certainly find the warm water and the moment of solitude rather nice, it’s not nice enough to warrant any extra time spent standing there when I have so many other things that I want to do.

I am often asked how I accomplish so much in a day. My explanation usually includes the reduced number of hours that I sleep and my efforts to be as purposefully efficient as possible.

But now I can add showering to the list. If I’m taking a three minute shower and you’re taking a fifteen minute shower, I’m gaining more than an hour a week on you.

I can do a lot in an hour.

This is not to say that a long shower is a bad thing if it's something you enjoy. I spend two hours on the golf course whenever possible, and while it provides me with exercise, a mental and physical challenge and an opportunity to spend time with friends, it's hardly productive.

But when people list their leisure activities, golf seem to be an appropriate activity to include on the list.

Showering? I'm not so sure.

Can I survive on even less sleep?

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Tell me if this makes sense.

I’m thinking about cutting down on my sleep.  Here’s my rationale. 

I go to sleep sometime between 11:30 and midnight every night. 

I wake up sometime between 5:00 and 5:30 every morning.  Sometimes a little earlier.  

This routine does not vary regardless of vacation schedules and weekends.  I never use my Saturdays to “catch up on my sleep.”

This means that I average about five hours of sleep a night.

But I am almost never tired when I go to bed, and I am almost always ready to jump out of bed go with the sound of the alarm.  I rarely, if ever, find myself wanting to go to bed or remain in the bed. 

So perhaps I could be sleeping even less.  Carve out a little more time to get things done.

I sort of think it’s crazy, but it seems to make sense, too.  Especially with my school year beginning and so much to do.   

No? 

Knock! Knock!

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For the third time this week, I have found myself in a single-person public restroom, door locked, conducting my business, when someone attempts to open the door, discovers it locked, and then knocks. Who are these people?

When you encounter a restroom door that is locked, what goes through these moron’s heads?

I wonder who is in there.

Maybe he will let me join him.

Perhaps he isn’t aware that I am waiting, despite the clear jiggling of the door handle.

Knocking is fun.

In response to these morons and their idiotic knocking, I have officially adopted a new policy that I have been using for more than a year, much to my delight.

In response to the doorknob-rattle-followed-by-knocking, I respond to the knock in a clear, loud voice, stating the first and most ridiculous thing that comes to mind. Phrases like:

Hark! Who goes there? Tally-ho my good man! Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin! Tis MacDuff, come to find King Duncan slain!

Last night I used, “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush!” and I could hear the giggles on the other side of the door.

Last week, while dining in Cosi, I used, “The truth shall set you free!” which also managed to get a laugh.

And thus life has become a little more fun for me.

New business plan for English majors everywhere (myself included)

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From Ellen Stuart’s blog Smells Like Squandered Youth comes this idea, which I am fully prepared to co-opt, borrow or steal as the need requires. She proposes the following business plan for members of the Professional Order of English Majors (POEM), of which I am a member:

A company that contracts out members of POEM to make business owners and their employees seem intelligent in writing. It's not a PR company, because PR people have to be diplomatic. We will be a company of nasty, mean sons of bitches (and we're not going to be just a bunch of grubby Starbucks-and-MacBook-toting English majors. Women will have to wear skirt suits and heels, and guys will have to dress like Joseph Gordon Levitt in Inception. We will carry briefcases). Hire us, and we'll make sure that every semi-colon is used correctly, fix subject-pronoun agreement problems and comma splices, and make sure that every last godforsaken apostrophe is used properly. As a free service, we will also correct use of Clip Art or Comic Sans.

I mean, seriously, why not? This is a good idea. A great idea. A really great idea. I don’t love the proposed dress code, but otherwise, this could totally work.

As Ellen says:

It honestly mystifies me why all businesses don't have an English major on retainer the way they have a lawyer. If your website or correspondence has "its/it's" confusion, or, worse "they're/their/there" confusion, you and your company look sloppy and unprofessional.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg in terms of what an English major could do for any writing that your company produces.

Finally, a place where my hyper-critical, snarky, argumentative, attack-dog mentality could provide some value.

As Ellen, a member of the POEM as well, says:

This is what we're good at: reading, writing, talking, forming arguments and yes, grammar.

Yes! It’s true. I can’t change the oil in my car or install replacement windows or code in HTML or even sew a button, but this is something I can do.

I can correct grammar.

I can refine arguments.

I can edit company literature.

I can summarize documents.

I can assist in the preparation of a speech.

I can make an idiot sound professional.

At last, the career that utilizes all of my skills.

The only question remains is whether or not this business model is viable. Is Ellen ahead of her time? Is my vision of a POEM consulting company too cutting edge? In these difficult economic times, will executives be able to see the added value of having someone like me on retainer?

Will businesses believe that they need someone like me?

Would you?

Matty’s Top 10 wedding tips

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Daily Candy wedding expert Shawn Rabideau offered his Top 10 Wedding Tips recently, and I thought that most of his ideas were fairly obvious.

  • Proofread the invitations.
  • Make sure you break in your shoes prior to the wedding.
  • Spray-on tan sucks.
  • Eat and drink on your wedding day.

There were also a couple that I didn't agree with at all.

Rabideau suggests that if you’re going to get Botox, do it six weeks before the wedding. I think his advice should read:

Botox is stupid, vain, and disgusting.

He also suggests that you prepare a seating chart for the rehearsal dinner. I think that the rehearsal dinner is the opportunity for your closest friends and family to relax before the big day, and imposing the formality of a seating chart stifles this relaxed atmosphere. He claims that fights and hurt feelings will result from a lack of a seating chart, and if you worry that this might be the case at your event, you are inviting the wrong people to the rehearsal dinner.

After reading the list, I asked me wife if I could be considered a wedding expert like Shawn Rabideau. Rabideau qualifications, as far as I can tell, are a background in design and event planning and appearances on several bridal-based television series.

My qualifications are as follows:

As a DJ, I’ve worked at more than 300 weddings, assisting clients to plan and execute their event.

BWBeng
BWBeng

As a minister, I have married about more than a dozen clients, including gay and lesbian couples.

I have been married twice.

I have served as a best man once and been in a bridal party on several occasions.

After considering my qualifications, my wife agreed that I constitute a wedding expert, and as such, I offer you my list of Matty’s Top 10 Wedding Tips. And because everything should be a competition, I’d appreciate it if you would let me know which list is better, mine or wedding expert Shawn Rabideau's list.

1. If you are getting married outdoors, do not use a runner. They serve no real purpose and only create problems. While they may look lovely, they are often difficult to unroll in the midst of a ceremony, are high susceptible to wind, and often get caught in women’s shoes. I have watched groomsmen battle with runners for five awkward minutes, trying to unroll them evenly. I have watched guests put their feet on runners to hold them down lest they blow away. Worst of all, I have seen bridesmaids and brides trip on runners again and again. They are not worth the trouble.

2. In order to avoid getting too tipsy at your wedding while still being able to pound a round of shots with your friends, instruct your bartenders ahead of time that the bride and groom’s drinks should be made with half of the normal alcohol as the rest of the drinks. This will allow you to drink more, be less concerned about the numbers of drinks that you've had, and still man-up at the bar when your college friends begin chanting your college nickname as you down your third shot with them.

3. When choosing the person who will actually marry you, take his or her voice into consideration. Unless he or she will be wearing a microphone, you want to hire someone who has the voice to carry the space effectively. There’s nothing worse than your guests straining to hear some wizened old man whose voice doesn’t carry past the first row. And when possible, avoid placing a microphone on the person marrying you. It’s often helpful for him or her to give you instructions and reminders during the ceremony that no one else can hear, but if you place a microphone on the person, that ability is often lost. Find a minister, rabbi or JP with a voice that will carry, so everyone can hear.

4. Be sure that all necessary announcements are made before your officiate declares you husband and wife. All too often (including the last two weddings that I have attended as a guest), I've seen an officiate say, “By the powers vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife.  You may kiss the bride…” followed by instructions about the receiving line, the cocktail hour, and even directions to the reception. You should kiss, smile and then enjoy your walk down the aisle, with all necessary business taken care of well before that moment.

5.  Tip your vendors at the start of the wedding. Most of the time, the best man or maid of honor are instructed to present the photographer, DJ, and videographer with a gratuity as the wedding is drawing to a close, and rarely is this tip dependent upon performance. For people who plan to tip their vendors, it’s pre-planned andpre-budgeted before the wedding ever begins, and unless the vendor completely ruins the wedding, the tip is given. If this is the case, present the tip to these people as early as possible. It will be equally appreciated but will place additional pressure on your vendors to perform. While I always give 100% of my effort as a DJ, I often find myself looking for ways to give 110% when I am pre-tipped.

6.  Bring a sewing kit that includes safety pins, ribbon that matches the bridesmaid dresses, and anything else you may need. At our wedding, a bridesmaid’s zipper broke an hour before the ceremony, but there was a supply of ribbon in every color on hand in case of emergency. In minutes, a perfectly matching length of ribbon had been woven into the back of the dress in place of the zipper, and the dress looked even better than those that still zipped up.  Recently I was called by a bride who asked me to stop at the pharmacy and pick up safety pins (which I always carry) because she was already at the church, as were most of the people who she knew, and a piece of her dress was coming undone. Another time I used paperclips to bustle a dress once when three clips broke. Save yourself the headache and have a complete sewing kit on hand in case of emergency.

7.  Have for formal photographs done before the ceremony. While this violates the tradition of the bride and groom not seeing each other before the wedding, you can still arrange a special “first look” moment prior to the ceremony and experience the surprise and romance of first seeing one another, and unlike a ceremony, you can actually speak to one another as well. By doing your formals ahead of time, you and your bridal party can enjoy the cocktail hour, which often amounts to about 20% of the actual reception. The bride and bridesmaids can ensure that their makeup and hair are perfect for the formals, rather than having to re-touch after the ceremony. There is no greater stress-remover than formals before the ceremony.

8.  Unless you are a professional dancer, do not choreograph your first dance. While taking lessons beforehand and having a variety of moves to use during your first dance is fine, planning a second-by-second, matching-the-music routine will only serve to increase your stress levels prior to the dance. In my experience, “choreographed couples” do not have as much fun prior to the dance and are often nervous and even scared in the moments leading up totheir dance, rehearsing in some backroom during the cocktail hour. Your wedding day is not the time for a debut performance. Save it for another day.

9.  If you decide to place disposable cameras on each table for guests to use during the wedding, do not send the cameras for development at the same time. Instead, develop one roll of film per month as a way of reliving your wedding day for months and months after the big event.

10.  Establish a firm end-time with your friends and family. You do not want to fight with your father about his desire to extend the wedding when all you want to do is take off your dress and get to the after-party. You also don’t want to end your wedding with your perfectly-chosen final song only to have your friends begin chanting “One more song” as the lights come up. Hardly the way you want to end your party, but sadly, more common than you might imagine. Let them know that when it’s over, it’s over.

My theory on IQ

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I have a theory. We all begin with an IQ that tops 200, but with each successive smack on the head, our IQ drops. I watch as my daughter hits her head on tables, walls and the floor, and I can’t help but think that each time his noggin takes a lump, she’s losing a few IQ points in the process.

Perhaps this is why nerds and geeks tend to have the highest IQs. Unwilling to play contact sports and spending most of their time with their heads buried in books, they simply don’t suffer as many head injuries as a more active child.

Brilliant?

Unhappy parents

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Last month, an article in New York Magazine cited research across a variety of fields, reproduced again and again, that indicates that people with children are less happy than people without children.  

“The broad message is not that children make you less happy; it’s just that children don’t make you more happy.” That is, he tells me, unless you have more than one. “Then the studies show a more negative impact.” As a rule, most studies show that mothers are less happy than fathers, that single parents are less happy still, that babies and toddlers are the hardest, and that each successive child produces diminishing returns. But some of the studies are grimmer than others. Robin Simon, a sociologist at Wake Forest University, says parents are more depressed than nonparents no matter what their circumstances—whether they’re single or married, whether they have one child or four.”

Naturally, this is not the case for all parents, and I am pleased to report that so far, I am no less happy as a result of the birth of my daughter.  But I am also not so naive as to assume that this will always be the case, or that a second or third child might someday deliver a crushing blow to my happiness. But I firmly believe that a great deal of a parent’s happiness is dependent upon the relationship that a person has with his or her spouse, and I could not be happier with the relationship I have with Elysha.

However, I also strongly believe that for most people, the findings in these studies are accurate, and perhaps they may hold true for me one day as well.

And I also believe this:

Men know by the time that they are twelve that children will probably make them less happy.  Women do not realize this until the baby is is about two.

Ask almost any twelve-year old boy about the prospects of raising a child someday and he will frown and gag and run away.  This is because boys are not raised with dolls and tiny cribs and the desire to emulate their mothers.  Boys want to play baseball and stay up late and eat Doritos and ride their bikes and play video games.  They want to drive fast cars and kiss girls and get into trouble and climb rocks and procrastinate.

And any reasonably intelligent twelve-year old boy knows that a baby will seriously interfere with every one of these desires. 

And here’s the thing: This does not change when boys become men.  We still want to play baseball and kiss girls and drive fast cars and climb rocks, and the addition of a baby will still interfere with these desires. 

And we know it.

Does that mean that none of us want to have children?  Of course not.  The key difference, however, is that we expect to be less happy with the birth of our children.  We know what we are getting into.  We are prepared. 

Women, I am convinced, are not. 

Girls are raised with plastic kitchens and baby dolls and tiny strollers.  The grow up basking in the warmth of a mother’s love, and they connect this to everything that is good and right in the world.  They spend their childhood playing games like House, in which they literally spend their time simulating household chores, cooking and parenting. 

Consider this:  Girls are given Betsy-Wetsy dolls so that they can imitate and glorify infant urination, and they are happy when they receive these dolls.  

If little girls had a realistic view about raising children, would one of their preferred activities be to change the pretend-diaper on a baby that can pretend to pee?

Girls grow up dreaming about engagement rings and wedding bells and picket fences and tiny feet scrambling across sun-bathed kitchens.  I don’t know if this is a result of biology or culture, but regardless, the result is an idealized view of pregnancy and the raising of children. 

When women think of parenthood in the abstract, they imagine all the good things. 

When men think of parenthood in the abstract, we think of all the bad. 

And when a woman’s friends begin to get married and have kids, it’s a universal truth that the husband-less and childless women who remain will feel intense pressure to begin families of their own.

Men do not experience this pressure.  When a man is single and his friends are married, there is no stigma associated to the wife-less, childless man.  In fact, in many circles, there is envy and admiration, because we know that he can still be happy, and maybe even happier, than the rest of us. 

It’s only through the accumulation of parental responsibility that women come to the realization that children might make them less happy.  What a husband has probably known for at least a decade does not occur to a wife until she has chased her toddler around the house for ten thousand hours and changed two thousand real diapers. 

Not the Betsy-Wetsy kind. 

In order to prove this theory, I will need to become an amateur sociologist, which is one of my dreams.  When this happens, I will conduct a study that asks twelve-year old girls and boys about their attitudes, opinions and predictions for their future as parents. 

Will boys predict that they will be less happy with children.  I say yes.

Will girl?  Absolutely, positively not.  I shouldn’t even waste my time asking.

Then I will compare these findings with all of the research cited in this New York Magazine piece and it will become clear:

Men know that children will probably make them less happy, and they know it early on.  They know it when they are children.  Women do not.

And then we may finally have an explanation as to why study after study indicates that men are generally happier than women. 

It’s all about expectation. 

Men do not believe in the primacy of sun-dappled kitchen floors and tiny cherubs running about, emanating waves of joy and happiness into the world.  We know what we are getting into when we become parents, and we do it anyway.  And for that reason, we may not be as happy as we once were, but we tend to be happier than our wives.

Slow on the uptake

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I understand that certain inventions take time to develop.

Electricity
Indoor plumbing (the single greatest invention of all time)
Nuclear power
Electric pants

But I can’t help but wonder why others took so long to come about?

For example, wheels weren’t added to luggage until 1989. Why did it take so long for someone to think of this?

And what about the collapsible and removable seats in mini-vans? In today’s vehicles, these seats can be removed with relative ease, but less than two decades ago, removing a seat required screwdrivers, a set of Allen wrenches, and 30 minutes of blood, sweat and tears.

There haven’t been any advances in seat technology in that time. Automobile manufacturers simply decided to make the consumer happy. By why did it take so damn long?

The good news is that there is hope for would-be inventors. If it took human beings two millennia to stick wheels on a suitcase, imagine what simple yet ubiquitous ideas await discovery.

Like liquid hot dogs.  Drinkable through a straw but just as tasty.

One of the benefits of having children

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For years, I have been waiting for the opportunity to use the truckload of outstanding tricks and pranks that I have accumulated over the years on a child of my own. Now that I have a daughter who is beginning to be able to communicate, that day in finally drawing near. Here’s one of my favorites:

On Christmas morning, the little devil will come running down the stairs to the Christmas tree, and amongst the many presents littering the floor will be an enormous box, wrapped with an enormous bow, and addressed to all of the children (probably two by then).

I will tell them that this is the best present that they will ever receive, but that they must wait until all the other gifts are unwrapped before they open it. As they begin ripping through the other gifts, I will seek to build their anticipation over the enormous gift, referencing it constantly and encouraging them to hurry up.

Finally, the time will come to open the enormous box. I will ask them to wait one more moment while I ensure that the camera is rolling and there is ample battery power to capture the big moment. Ready at last, I will tell them to proceed and will record the tearing down of wrapping paper and the struggle with the bow until the package is finally, blissfully open.

Inside the kids will find a slip of paper that reads:

Food, shelter, and clothing. The best gifts of all, and given all year round.

The looks on their faces should be priceless, don’t you think?

When your mom dies…

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On a happier note... You’ve got a pretty good comeback to anyone trying to use a “your momma” joke on you (which I tell my students to never, ever use).

Insult: Your momma’s so stupid, she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for a gumball.

Retort: Actually, my mom is dead.

I’ve had the opportunity to use this retort more than once, injecting great amounts of awkwardness, embarrassment and discomfort into the world.  There’s no better way to put a positive spin on an otherwise horrible circumstance.

If my mom was watching, I think she would’ve smiled each time.

Stuff your sorrys in a sack

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It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them. - P. G. Wodehouse (1881 - 1975)

It's a great quote. Don't you think? After all, how many times have you asked for or demanded an apology? Or even wanted an apology?

Hopefully the answer is close to none.

Asking for an apology is akin to fishing for a compliment. It guarantees that whatever you receive will be forced and insincere and will only serve to demonstrate the naive significance that you place upon the words of others.

If you have received an unrequested apology that expresses regret for a misstatement or unintentional cruelty, that’s fine. Probably not necessary in most cases, but acceptable just the same.

But telling someone that you demand an apology?

After I’m done laughing at these types of demands, I can’t help but wonder how this kind of obligatory apology would ever make a reasonably sane and self-confident person feel better.

Frankly, it shouldn’t. And I would venture to say that it never does. A person may derive a certain degree of personal satisfaction in forcing another person to say something that they don’t mean, but that’s a petty and ultimately meaningless form of satisfaction normally reserved for petty and relatively meaningless people.

As for wanting an apology?

Even six-year-old children know that words cannot be taken back, and that the first thing out of someone's mouth is usually the most honest thing he or she will say.

On the rare occasion that someone slips up and says something that they do not mean or is misconstrued in some way, an apology is almost always forthcoming.

There is rarely a need to request one.

Forget apologies. If you're upset, get revenge instead.

That’s my version of the P.G. Wodehouse quote.

Organ swapping?

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How about this for an idea? Every year thousands of people die waiting for kidney and other organ transplants. It’s tragic considering how many of us have an extra kidney just waiting to be transplanted.

Even more tragic:

Think about the number of perfectly good kidneys that are lost when patients die while waiting for heart, liver, pancreas and lung transplants each year.

Here’s my plan:

If you are awaiting an organ of any kind other than a kidney (heart, liver, pancreas, lung, intestines, eyes) and are willing to donate one of your kidneys while waiting, you get moved up the list.

Yes, many people who are awaiting organs are far too sick to undergo a transplant surgery, but this is not always the case. People awaiting eyes, for example, are often in perfectly good health other than their inability to see.

Why not offer them a deal:

A kidney in exchange for a better shot at an eye?

And if you you're perfectly healthy and donate a kidney and one day find yourself in need of an organ, you get first spot on the list.

Give people a reason to donate these unneeded kidneys.

See any flaws in my plan?

Friendship rating guidelines

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In preparing to revise my famous Friendship Application, I was explaining to Bengi, my DJ partner, best man in my wedding, and friend of more than twenty years, that one of the ways that I evaluate a person’s importance as a friend is by the number of Gmail groups to which the person belongs.

Bengi, for example, belongs to two groups: Poker and Readers. This means that he receives emails related to my upcoming poker games and he is also reading my latest manuscript.  

Two groups is good but not great.  My friend, Kim, for example, belongs to four groups: Writer’s Group, Book Club, Readers and Smart People.

This means that she is a member of my flagging, off-and-on writing group, a member of our slacker book club, a reader of my manuscript and one of the few people to whom I forward interesting and informative articles related to education, the economy, science and other such lofty pursuits.  

In fact, Kim takes top honors in this regard, holding the record for the most groups and beating my wife by one.  Elysha shares the same groups as Kim except that she is not a member of my writing group.

But I like I said, this is just one of the ways that I evaluate importance.

Okay, honey?

Handsome not always nice

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Can we all agree to refrain from ever referring to any female as a handsome woman?

I don’t understand this expression. What does it really mean?

“You used to be beautiful, but now that you’re older, you’re no longer beautiful, but you’re not exactly ugly either. So we’ll call you a handsome woman.”

Sometimes no compliment is better than a bad compliment.

An update on my Big Wheel dream

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A few important developments since posting about my yearning for a Big Wheel:

I learned that one of my friends actually attempted to purchase the adult-sized Big Wheel for me, only to discover that it is no longer manufactured at the company in question.

Another friend managed to locate an adult-sized version of her favorite childhood today, the Hippity Hop.  It is available online for anyone interested in ordering.

I did not have a Hippity Hop as a child and will not be ordering one.  They look uncomfortable and dangerous. 

However, I am considering exploring the viability of a company that manufactures and sells adult-sized children’s toys like the Big Wheel and the Hippity Hop.  Thoughts? 

Best of all, my dream of an adult-sized Big Wheel has not been vanquished.  A reader directed me to a story about the 29th “sort-of-annual” Big Wheel Rally in downtown Boulder.  More than seventy Big Wheel riders gathered in order to help raise money for the St. Joseph Hospital's Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. 

And to have the time of their lives, I’m sure! 

If all those people managed to acquire adult-sized Big Wheels, there must be one out there for me. 

The dream is still alive. 

My inner child comes alive

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The Big Wheel was just about the coolest childhood toy ever. I was watching some kids on television riding their Big Wheels down the street, and I couldn’t help but want one at that very moment. File:BIG Wheel (3327257572).jpg

So I got to thinking:

Wouldn’t it be awesome to have an adult-sized Big Wheel? I should totally design one and sell the concept to some Chinese bike manufacturer for a million dollars!

I'm a genius!

I was just about ready to begin my design when I found this.

An adult-sized Big Wheel. Designed to support 225 pounds.

So they stole my idea. Still, it’s AWESOME.

I have a birthday in February in case you needed to know.