My new favorite writer and her amazing piece: Ashton Kutcher Fan Fiction - The Middle School Dance

Lisa Bell has graduated high school by now and hopefully moved onto college, but I don’t care. She was a hero back in seventh grade, and I’m sure that she’s still amazing today, wherever she is.

Everything about this performance, starting with the moment that she corrects the teacher for misidentifying her until the very last moment, is amazing.  

Also, let this serve as a reminder for teachers to always take the time to review what a student is going to read on stage prior to the performance, lest you want something like this to ever happen again, which was both slightly unfortunate and seriously AWESOME. 

I hated it, then I loved it.

For the first minute or so of this Jimmy Kimmel segment, I hated it. I thought it was cruel and exploitive.

By the third minute I thought it was hilarious.

By the fifth minute I was willing to do the same to my own child.

I have no idea how or why this dramatic shift in opinion happened. Perhaps the gag is simply too funny to be thought of as cruel. Maybe the pain is worth the pleasure. Maybe I was simply being too sensitive in the first minute.

I’m not sure.

As I know is that it’s gut-wrenchingly hilarious.

A potato chip bag and a palace: Two sides of the same coin.

The fact that someone can actually do this astounds me.

The fact that someone can envision something like this in their mind and then create it with their hands seems impossible to me. I have heard similar sentiments about the writing process and the creation of novels and short stories, but I find the expertise, talent and vision of artists like this far more impressive.

It’s as if these people have a different set of hands and eyes than the rest of humanity.

If this doesn’t impress you, how about the postman who spent 34 years building a palace using the rocks that he found along his postal route?

People are amazing.

This pint-sized hockey fan makes your average fantasy football player look like a joke.

I have such respect for this little girl. The passion that she possesses for her favorite hockey player is beyond impressive. She makes the fantasy football  fanatics of the world look like little boys playing with Pokémon cards on the playground. 

Even her request for food at the end of the video is perfect. This little girl truly understands how to love and embrace a sport.

She’s probably about three or four years older than my son, but if I could arrange a marriage between the two of them, I would seriously consider it. And I think he’d thank me for it later.

He could do a whole hell of a lot worse than this little girl. 

Cruelty and humor wrapped up in one of the best Internet videos of all time

I am of two minds on this:

1. This is insanely cruel and the perpetrators should be sued and possibly jailed for their actions

2. This is the most brilliant prank I have seen in a long, long time, and it is one of the best things I have ever seen on the Internet.

It’s odd how cruelty and brilliance are often so intertwined, at least for me..

Hot legs or hot dogs? Either is fine.

A new Tumblr called Hot-Dog Legs challenges viewers to determine if what they are looking at are legs or a pair of hot dogs.

It’s shocking how much the two look alike.

Perhaps this will finally bring an end to the self-indulgent photos of surf, sky and a pair of suntanned legs. Probably not, but there’s always hoping.

Truthfully, I like hot dogs a lot. They’re my second favorite food, topped only by ice cream cake. And legs are great, too.

So whether the photo contains dogs or legs, both fine with me.

Hate the parents

Hopefully, this is one of the most disgustingly gratuitous bar mitzvah entrances of all time. Right?

Please tell me that it doesn’t get much worse than this. I can’t even begin to imagine what worse than this would look like.

I have a theory on the golf course that if play is slow, you should hate the group ahead of you, even if you know that there is a group ahead of them who is creating the problem.

It’s much more fun to hate the players you can see rather than a group of  theoretical players somewhere ahead on the course.

I’m going to violate my “hate the one you can see” rule in regards to this video. While I’m fairly certain that I wouldn’t like the boy featured in the clip if I knew him in real life (it’s hard to imagine liking anyone involved in a display of narcissistic opulence such as this), I’m going to choose to hate the unseen parents rather than the boy for allowing this spectacle to take place and then thinking it wise to post it online. 

Maybe not hate them. That might be too harsh. Blame them. Blame them for allowing this gaudy display of wealth and self-centeredness to take place.

No. I take that back. I was right the first the time. Hate was right. 

This Stephen Colbert segment is perfect. Stop everything and watch it now.

This satirical, snarky, occasionally condescending segment from The Colbert Show has given me heartfelt, legitimate hope for the country. It has caused me to question some of my assumptions about people and reminded me to keep an open mind at all times. It’s inspiring. And funny as hell.

It’s one of the best seven minutes of television I’ve seen in a long time.

The Colbert Report
Get More: Colbert Report Full Episodes,Video Archive

Elaborate prom proposals are happening. Promposals, they call them. They are stupid.

I am the veteran of the prom season. In my youth, I attended a total of seven proms.

I attended both my junior and senior proms with my high school girlfriend, Laura.

Laura was a year younger than me, so I also attended her junior and senior proms as well.

Laura and I also attended the prom of friends Eric and Lisa in a neighboring town. I was Lisa’s date (I would eventually date Lisa later on) and Laura was Eric’s date.

When I was eighteen and managing a McDonald’s in Milford, Massachusetts, I attended the prom of an incredibly shy employee who needed a date and asked to me to go with her by handing me a slip of paper as her shift ended. It was a unique prom experience that went remarkably well and then didn’t.

A story for another day.

When I was 22, I attended the prom of another McDonald’s employee while I was managing a restaurant in Brockton, Massachusetts. She and I had survived an armed robbery of our restaurant, and her mother asked me to escort her to the prom, feeling like she would be safe in my company.

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All of this is to say I have some prom experience.

A recent trend in the prom circuit is prom proposals or “promposals.” Rather than simply asking a person to the prom (or handing over a slip of paper), high school students are now proposing to their would-be dates using extravagant and digitally-shared proposals which, as far as I can tell, almost always serve to demonstrate how creative, clever and romantic the boy is and have almost nothing to do with the actual girl.

I’ve watched a bunch of these promposals, and while the production values differ considerably, the general theme of these proposals is the same:

Look at me. Watch me propose to a girl, but don’t look at the girl. Look at me. Look at how talented and clever I am. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me.

And what are these prom proposers going to do when it comes time to propose marriage someday? Some of these stunts are so elaborate that topping them will be nearly impossible.

Of course, by that time, no woman in her right mind would want to be proposed to in the way that these kids are proposing to their prom dates.

Simply search on “promposal” on YouTube and you will see what I’m taking about. This one is especially egregious

I’m sure that the young man in the video is a delightful and respectful individual., but I suspect there will come a day when he regrets this moment in his life and the video may disappear from YouTube forever. The idea of a promposal is bad enough, but the degree of narcissism and self-promotion on display here is astounding.

The most baffling part of the video for me, however, is how indulged this boy appears to be. Not only does he have an emcee, a band, a local news crew present to interview the happy couple after the proposal and the implicit support of the school administrators, but he has multiple, professional-grade video cameras operating throughout the stunt and a throng of enthusiastic classmates.

It’s his classmates that surprise me the most.

Who are these kids? Where is the adolescent apathy that characterizes so many of the high school students I know? Where is the intense disinterest? The purposeful listlessness and focused indifference that I have come to expect (and love) from teenagers? 

What is wrong with these people?

Man wrestles shark. I’m not impressed.

When I first saw the headline, I couldn’t help but click on the link.

Man wrestles shark?

Hell yes.

But then I watched the video. “Wrestling” implies that the shark participates in the conflict in some meaningful way. It suggests that the shark might  momentarily threaten the safety of its opponent in some way.

What I watched was does not constitute wrestling.

The man grabs an animal that has no arms and no legs and can’t breathe and drags it around by the tail for a couple minutes.

This amounts to little more than dragging around a helpless fish.