Shortcomings and Flaws: 2019

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Years ago a reader accused me of being materialistic after I wrote about my lack of a favorite number, specifically criticizing me for saying that when it comes to my salary, my favorite number is the largest number possible.

After properly refuting the charges of materialism, I acknowledged that I had plenty of other shortcomings and offered to list them in order to appease my angry reader. Then I did. Then I added to the list when friends suggested that I had forgotten a few.

Nice friends. Huh?

So began an annual tradition of posting my list of shortcomings and flaws, starting first in 2011 (the list only had 10 items that year), and continuing in 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, and 2018.

I'm happy to report that although the list remains relatively long (33 items this year), I'm removing one item from the list.

*** I take little pleasure in walking.

Somehow I’ve managed to find an appreciation for walking. I’d still rather be running, playing golf, or anything else to make the walk more productive, but stick me in a forest or on a mountain and I’ll happily walk.

I also thought that I might remove:

*** I can form strong opinions about things that I possess a limited knowledge of and are inconsequential to me.

Elysha says no. She points out that I enjoy staking opinions for the sake of debate, even when I’m not prepared to stake out a position.

Fine…

I also wanted to remove these two:

*** I drink too much Diet Coke.
*** I wear my wireless headphones way too much.

I’ve stopped seeing either of these as a negative., but I know that the rest of the world does (actually, my doctor has no problem with my Diet Coke consumption), so I’ll accept their assessment for the time being.

Many new flaws and shortcomings were proposed - some in jest - but quite a few in reality. A couple that were seriously considered:

*** I don’t sleep enough.

I’ve certainly heard this one before, but when this accusation is leveled against me, I always respond by asking if I ever appear tired. Do I complain about being exhausted? Am I not productive enough during the day because of fatigue? Do I look like I need more sleep? Did you know that I often awaken without an alarm clock and pop out of bed like a jack-in-the-box? Did you also know that even though I only sleep 4-6 hours every night, I spend almost every moment of that time asleep? I don’t watch television or read in bed, and I fall asleep almost instantly. I don’t waste a moment of time while in bed.

If I felt tired or fatigued or lethargic, I would sleep more. I just don’t.

*** You correct people when they didn’t need to be corrected.

This was something someone noticed me doing to Elysha on the podcast, but I asked Elysha if it was true, and she says no. When I correct Elysha on the podcast, it’s for very specific reasons, mostly related to the fact that thousands of people listen to each episode, and if you allow an error to stand, you’re going to get email about it or mislead people in an annoying direction.

I would expect the same from here.

*** You may be too presumptuous in assuming that your followers (both nice and naughty) care all that much about your self-crested lists of flaws.

This made me laugh, but it’s not an assumption I make. Some of my posts - like this one and my monthly resolution updates - are admittedly written more for myself than my readers. I’m holding myself publicly accountable, but I never think that a post like this will be popular or well read (though my resolution updates are surprisingly popular).

Therefore, for just the second time ever, no new items have been added to the list. I may finally be evolving into a better human being.  

If you would like to propose an addition to the list, please let me know, and it will be considered.

Matthew Dicks’s List of Shortcomings and Flaws

1. I have a limited, albeit expanding palate (though I'd like to stress that my limited palate is not by choice).

2. I am a below average golfer (but showing rapid improvement this year).

3. It is hard for me to empathize with adults with difficulties that I do not understand and/or are suffering with difficulties that I would have avoided entirely.

4. I have difficulty putting myself in another person’s shoes. Rather than attempting understand the person, I envision myself within their context and point out what I would've done instead.

5. I do many things for the sake of spite.

6. I have an unreasonable fear of needles (though my PTSD definitely plays a role in this).

7. I become angry and petulant when told what to wear.

8. Bees kill me dead.

9. I become sullen and inconsolable when the New England Patriots lose a football game.

10. I lack adequate empathy for adults who are not resourceful or are easily overwhelmed.

11. I can form strong opinions about things that I possess a limited knowledge of and are inconsequential to me.

12. I am unable to make the simplest of household or automobile repairs.

13. I would rarely change the sheets on my bed if not for my wife.

14. I eat ice cream too quickly.

15. I procrastinate when it comes to tasks that require the use of the telephone (visual voicemail has corrected this problem on the cellphone but not on my landline at work)

16. I am uncomfortable and ineffective at haggling for a better price.

17. I am exceptionally hard on myself when I fail to reach a goal or meet a deadline.

18. Sharing food in restaurants annoys me.

19. I drink too much Diet Coke.

20. My dislike for ineffective, inefficient, or poorly planned meetings causes me to be unproductive, inattentive, and obstructionist at times (I’ve adjusted the language on this one to acknowledge that some meetings are necessary and acceptable)

21. Disorganization and clutter negatively impacts my mood, particularly when I cannot control the clutter myself

22. I am overly critical of my fellow storytellers, applying my own rules and standards to their performances.

23. I think less of people who nap (though I've come to accept and even embrace the 10-15 minute power nap in the middle of the work day, I still think that anyone who is napping on a Sunday afternoon for three hours or comes home from work and naps until dinner is at best a disappointment).

24. I lack patience when it comes to assisting people with technology.

25. I don't spend enough time with my best friend (I’m trying like hell to fix this).

26. I have a difficult time respecting or celebrating someone's accomplishments if economic privilege, nepotism, or legacy assisted in their success in some way.

27. I believe that there are right and wrong ways of parenting. 

28. I love saying, "I told you so" so freaking much.

29. I wear my wireless headphones way too much.

30. I consistently screw up my wife's laundry regardless of how careful I think I am, 

31. My blog entries contain far too many typos, despite my loathing of typos.

32. I leave my credit card at restaurants far too often.

33. I don't ride my bicycle - alone and with my kids - nearly enough.

I'm worried that Frost's poems will someday die

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I dreamt last night that the Earth’s orbit was temporarily shifting towards the sun, which would briefly raise temperatures high enough to kill nearly every living thing on the planet.

Great dream, Huh?

Actually, in my dream, Paul McCartney had built some kind of refrigerated house, so he thought he might survive, but experts doubted it.

I spent great portions of this dream trying to find way to avoid death for me and the family while simultaneously imagining the horrors of being cooked alive and watching my family suffer a similar fate.

You can see why I don’t love sleep.

And yes, I know that the orbit of the Earth would never bring it in temporary proximity to the sun, though there might be a scenario in our future where sun spot activity could wipe out most of our electronics and send us back to the Dark Ages for years.

In fact, it nearly happened in 2012, but please don’t Google it. It’s terrifying.

But here was the moment of the dream that interests me most:

It occurred to me - in the dream and now while I’m awake - that if every human being on Earth died, then all of Robert Frost’s poetry would die, too. So, too, would the music of Springsteen and the plays of Shakespeare and the philosophy of Plato and the fiction of Twain and Morrison and Atwood and Vonnegut and Rowling.

All of our art would be lost.

Human beings die all the time, but our greatest art lives on forever. Unless, of course, the human race ceases to exist. Then our art will also cease to exist.

Two roads will only diverge in a yellow wood as long as there are humans alive to read and recite those lines.

The loss of that great art suddenly seems even more tragic to me than the end of our species, and just like that, the timeless nature of our art seems a lot less timeless.

Why bullies bully

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“Most people are bullied because they’re better than the people who bully them.” - Simon Cowell

A reader sent me this quote by Cowell, who judges singing shows on television. Except for clips on YouTube, I haven’t watched a singing show since the first season of American Idol back in 2002, but I remember Cowell as being someone I liked a lot.

Brutally honest. Exceedingly direct. Funny. Utterly unconcerned about what others thought of him.

My kind of guy.

And I like this quote about bullying a lot. I think bullying can also be about the consolidation of power, the need to elevate oneself, and the inability to understand the struggle of others, but I think Cowell’s statement is often true.

I also think it’s a very good thing for the victims of bullying to hear.

Lottery winners are happy after all

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Good news!

Winning the lottery will not make you unhappy.

For years, we’ve all heard that winning the lottery will make me unhappy. This made no sense, of course, since everyone likes money, myself included. It’s hard to imagine that being handed a large sum of cash for doing almost nothing wouldn’t make me at least a little bit happier.

But that’s what the research has shown.

Maybe not. It turns out that this assertion has been based entirely upon research done in 1978 in which just 22 lottery winners were interviewed. A new paper argues that the sample size in 1978 was too low and therefore could not accurately register a difference in happiness amongst the participants. The newest study has data from 617 lottery winners, and it found, like we’ve all known in our hearts, that winning the lottery will likely make you a happier person.

Thank goodness. I like it when the world makes sense.

That said, I’ve still never bought a lottery ticket of any kind in my life because the lottery is for suckers. I’ll place my bets on Microsoft, Starbucks, Visa, Disney, and the rest of my investments. The money earned from those be ts also make me happy and offer far better odds.  

Sometimes the answer is exactly wrong in every possible way

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In the midst of my math lesson yesterday, I leaned over and switched on the document camera. This is a device that has replaced the overhead projectors of my childhood. Place a document or object of any kind under the camera, and the image will appear on the Smartboard.

A very useful tool in the education field.

I looked to the screen. Instead of the document, a large, black box was displayed on the screen.

I turned to my class and said, “When a device like my document camera - or any electronic device - doesn’t work properly, what’s the first thing I should do?”

I ask this question because I want to teach my students that the first and most likely solution to a problem like this is to restart the device.

Turn it off, then turn it back on.

I want them to know this because I can’t tell you how many times an adult asks me to solve a problem related to technology only to watch me close and re-open their app, restart their computer, or turn their toaster off and on. It’s the simplest solution to so many problems, and yet so many people miss this obvious step.

I want my students to be better prepared than most.

Having posed the question, I looked to my class, waiting for an answer. None came. The students stared back at me, blankly and confused, so I asked again. “When something like my document camera isn’t working, what’s the very first thing I should do?”

I waited again. At last a hand rose slowly into the air.

“Yes?” I said, pointing at my student. “What should you do in a situation like this?”

“Panic?” my student said.

I have a lot of work ahead of me.

Speak Up Storytelling #65: Elva Guo

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On episode #65 of the Speak Up Storytelling podcast, Matthew and Elysha Dicks talk storytelling.

In our follow-up segment, we read a listener's email about a filmmaker using a transition strategy mentioned on the podcast to great effect.  

STORYTELLING SHOWS 2019-2020

November 2: Great Hartford Story Slam, Hartford Flavor Company
November 9: Sara Kaplan: Champion of the World at Emmanuel Synagogue, West Hartford, CT
November 23: Twenty-one Truths About Love book release, CT Historical Society, Hartford, CT
December 14: “Crafty” at CT Historical Society, Hartford, CT
January 11: “Still Life: Stories of Stopping and Slowing Down” at the Wadsworth Atheneum
April 4: Speak Up at the Unitarian Universalist Society, Manchester, CT

STORYTELLING WORKSHOPS 2019

October 25-27: Storytelling workshop (beginners), Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health
November 9: Storytelling workshop (Beginner), CT Historical Society
November 16: Storytelling workshop (Advanced), CT Historical Society
December 6-8: Storytelling workshop (advanced), Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health
January 25: Storytelling workshop (Beginner), CT Historical Society
February 22: Storytelling workshop (Advanced), CT Historical Society

In our Homework for Life segment, Matt talks about a moment from his week of camp with students that would serve him well in certain spaces but might not be suited for stages like The Moth or Speak Up for specific reasons.

Next we listen to a story by Elva Guo. 

Amongst the many things we discuss include:

  1. The power of surprise and strategies used to preserve surprise

  2. Embedding a small but universal truth into a much larger, less universal story

  3. The importance of scene setting 

Next we answer a listener question about stories in the hotel industry.  

Finally, we each offer a recommendation.  

LINKS

Purchase Storyworthy: Engage, Teach, Persuade, and Change Your Life Through the Power of Storytelling

Purchase Twenty-one Truths About Love 

Homework for Life: https://bit.ly/2f9ZPne

Matthew Dicks's website: http://www.matthewdicks.com

Matthew Dicks's YouTube channel:
https://www.youtube.com/matthewjohndicks 

Matthew Dicks's blog:
http://www.matthewdicks.com/matthewdicksblog

Subscribe to Matthew Dicks's weekly newsletter: 
http://www.matthewdicks.com/matthewdicks-subscribe

Subscribe to the Speak Up newsletter: 
http://www.matthewdicks.com/subscribe-speak-up

Subscribe to Matthew Dicks's blog:
http://www.matthewdicks.com/subscribe-grin-and-bare-it

RECOMMEDATIONS

Elysha:

Matt:

Fun facts are never fun

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Fact:

The percentage of times that a “fun fact” is actually fun is exceptionally low.

Yesterday, while working on a project about a Japanese bridge, Clara said, “Fun fact! This bridge has survived eight earthquakes because it’s built on a faulty line.”

My response: “That’s not fun.”

And no, it wasn’t. It was certainly a fact, but it wasn’t even slightly amusing. Nothing fun about it at all.

In most cases, the phrase “Fun fact” can most often be replaced with the phrase, “Fact!”

Perhaps, “Random fact!”

Maybe even “Interesting fact!” on occasion.

But almost never “Fun fact!”

Cashews are not pleasant

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These hideous monstrosity - if you can believe it - are cashews. They grow on the end of the cashew apple.

Bizarre. Right?

Cashew apples are sweet and tangy. Brazilians squeeze them for juice, and Indians ferment the juice into an alcohol. But most of the apples are discarded because they are too delicate to ship. The nut is the only viable cash crop.

Did you also know that the shell of a cashew is toxic? In fact, cashews are in the same plant family as poison ivy. This is why you’ll never eat a raw cashew. They must be steamed or roasted first in order for processors to remove the shell safely.

Even the fumes from the roasting is toxic. Many of the people processing cashews - primarily in India - work in unsafe working conditions because of the dangers of cashews.

I don’t dislike cashews, but I don’t love them either. I’ve eaten them in the past, but not in a long time.

Knowing all of this, I’m kind of glad.

Seeking submissions for my annual list of shortcomings and flaws

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Years ago a reader accused me of being materialistic after I wrote about my lack of a favorite number, specifically criticizing me for saying that when it comes to my salary, my favorite number is the largest number possible.

After refuting the charges of materialism, I acknowledged that I had plenty of other shortcomings and offered to list them in order to appease my angry reader. Then I did. Then I added to the list when friends suggested that I had forgotten a few.

Nice friends. Huh?

So began an annual tradition of posting my list of shortcomings and flaws, starting first in 2011, and continuing in 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, and 2017, and 2018.

The time has come to assemble my list for 2019, which means I will be reviewing the 2018 list carefully, hoping that I might be able to remove a few and looking to add any that I think might be missing. 

As always, I offer you the opportunity to add to the list as well. If you know me personally or through this blog or my books or my storytelling or my podcast and have detected a shortcoming or flaw to add to the list, please let me know. I will be finalizing and publishing my list in about a week, so don't delay. 

I look forward to hearing about all the ways in which you think I suck. 

Compliments?

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I hear from readers and listeners and audience members every day. Most are kind and thoughtful, even when they are also challenging or ornery or disagreeable.

Some of the things written to me bring me to tears. They are messages that I will save for the rest of my life.

Sometimes trolls visit me, too. Small, angry, vicious little creatures who think they might be able to hurt me with their frequently misspelled words, grammatically challenged sentences, and unoriginal attacks.

I almost always find them amusing, and I almost always ignore them.

Then there are the messages from readers or listeners that might be a compliment, but I’m not sure. I find these the most intriguing of all. The kind of stuff that rolls around in my head for days.

Below are five recent examples of these questionable compliments:

  • “Sir, you are a chaos magnet. Not that you didn't know that.”

  • “I only know a couple of people who are strong enough and dumb enough to truly not care what other people think. You’re one of them. The other one is my father. We haven’t spoken in years.”

  • "I find your brilliant obstinacy (not to be confused with stubbornness) darkly delicious.”

  • “Some days I wish I was your friend. Other days I wish you would just go away. Even though I’m the one who visits your blog every day. I could just stop clicking on the link, but I don’t. I love a lot of what you think and write. Still, I sometimes just wish you’d go away.”

  • “Slow down. Your productivity is annoying and offensive and threatening to us all.”

Complimentary? Perhaps. But it’s hard to tell. Right?

Deep Impact is a stupid movie

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I know it was released in 1998, but boy is Deep Impact a stupid film.

It you don’t remember, Deep Impact and Armageddon both came out in 1998 - two months apart - and featured planet-killing asteroids threatening the Earth. Armageddon earned more than $200 million while Deep Impact brought in about $140 million.

That’s astounding considering how terribly written Deep Impact was.

Watching the last 45 minutes of the film on the treadmill last week, it was very clear why this movie failed to beat Armageddon at the box office and, more importantly, why it failed to have any significant after life on television or other secondary markets.

The movie kills all the wrong people. Constantly. And purposelessly.

The list of deaths just within the last 30 minutes of the film include:

A blinded father on a spaceship whose baby boy was born while he was in space, and who he will never see because he is blind and about to die. It’s bad enough that he is going to die without ever holding his child in his arms, but did the writers really need to blind him, too?

Parents of an infant who must hand their baby son over to their teenage daughter and her boyfriend so they can outrun a giant wave on a motorcycle.

The film’s tangential star, Tea Leoni, and her father, standing together on the edge of the Atlantic, reconciled just in time for the wave can wipe them out together.

Leoni’s last line is, “Daddy…”

Of course this movie failed to gain any traction in the post box office mediums. There is nothing to be happy about at the end of this film. All we have left is a bunch of parent-less infants and a purposeless death of the film’s star.

It sucks.

Armageddon is smart. Not in terms of science or even plot, but in terms of managing audience emotions. You feel good after watching Armageddon. Maybe a little bit stupider, too, but good.

And yes, Bruce Willis’s character dies at the end of the film, but he dies for a reason.

He saves the damn planet.

And though he also leaves a daughter behind, she’s a grown-ass woman. Not some helpless baby who will never know her father. Also, Willis saves his daughter’s future husband by taking his place on the asteroid.

Deep Impact ends with the President of the United States, standing before a decimated US Capitol. promising to rebuild.

Armageddon ends with a wedding and an Aerosmith song.

I’m not saying that characters can’t die in films. Just allow them to die for a reason. Allow their deaths to mean something. And don’t give them infants and toddlers unless it’s absolutely necessary to the plot.

Otherwise, people will watch your movie once and never want to watch it again.

Like Deep Impact.

A very stupid movie.

Hemingway's Robert Jordan and his last words

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I’m not going to die, of course, but in a hypothetical world where death would come for even me, I think that some of the last words of Hemingway’s Robert Jordan in For Whom the Bell Tolls would be the perfect epitaph:

"The world is a fine place and worth the fighting for and I hate very much to leave it."

Kind of perfect set of words.

Not that I’ll ever need them.

James Corden was brilliant for a reason everyone failed to see

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James Corden’s segment taking on Bill Maher and the fat shaming comments he made on his HBO show Real Time have garnered enormous attention in recent days, and justifiably so. Corden’s criticism is brilliant. He’s hilarious, honest, vulnerable, compelling, and utterly convincing.

As a bit of rhetoric, it has almost everything.

But the best part of Corden’s piece has gone glaringly unnoticed:

Corden is kind. Rather than attacking Bill Maher, he makes a genuine attempt to reach out to the man and change his mind. Corden assumes good intentions. He credits Maher for wanting to help. He doesn’t portray Maher as a deliberate, judgmental monster but as a human being who has missed the point.

He argues that Bill Maher was egregiously incorrect in this instance, but he doesn’t argue that Maher is a bad person.

Yes, Corden lands some comedic punches in the process, but those are clearly made in jest, and I suspect that Maher will recognize them for what they are:

Jokes. Jokes made at his expense, but not the kind of jokes meant to really hurt.

Corden’s commentary is brilliant for all the reasons people have stated, but its genius comes his ability to attack Bill Maher’s opinion while simultaneously being a kind and decent to Maher himself.

We need more of this in today’s world.

The sad thing is that much of the reaction to Corden’s commentary has been the opposite of kindness and decency. On social media, people have responded with scathing ad hominem attacks directed at Maher. They tweet vile, incendiary comments about Bill Maher and demand that HBO terminate his employment. They are doing exactly what Corden so skillfully avoids, which is unfortunate and also ridiculous because here is the truth about Bill Maher’s commentary on obesity:

Until James Corden spoke out - six full days after Bill Maher’s comments - not a word was spoken about Maher’s bit.

Until Corden pointed out Maher’s egregious commentary on his own show, no one had any problem with Maher’s segment, myself included. I listened to the show the next morning via podcast, thought he made an amusing but unoriginal point about obesity in America, and moved on, never thinking about how that segment might impact an obese person and how wrongheaded it was.

Corden opened my eyes, and perhaps with the kindness and decency embedded in his commentary, he will open Maher’s, too.

But for every person on the Internet who is attacking Maher for his comments, I will remind them that they were silent for six days. They had no issue with Bill Maher’s comments. They had moved on in complicit silence - like me - until James Corden came along so brilliantly and gracefully.

So do us all a favor, Internet denizens who so gleefully pile on whenever possible:

Take a lesson from the grace and decency of James Corden and shut the hell up.

Trump has achieved a new low.

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I realize that pointing out the stupidity or amorality or narcissism of Donald Trump is like reminding people that the sun rises and sets every day, but occasionally he says or does something that rises to the level of incomprehensibility.

Yesterday, Trump tweeted this:

Did you see what he did?

Trump quoted himself complimenting himself, and then he thanked himself for that quoted self-compliment.

That’s insane.

The constant, incessant self-praise is a clear sign of a man whose ego is both disturbingly large and exceedingly fragile. It reeks of sadness and desperation. I’ve never met anyone in my life so desperate for praise that they were willing to compliment themselves in such a publicly embarrassing, never-ending way.

If he wasn’t a racist hobgoblin who steals children from poor people and brags about his serial sexual assault, I’d be compelled to offer the guy a hug.

All of this is bad enough. It also explains why he famously has no friends other than those of a transactional nature. Who would want to spend any meaningful time with someone like this?

But then to quote yourself - to quote your own self-praise of yourself - and then thank yourself for that self-praise… to the entire world?

If this had been any other human being, I would rightfully assume that a medical team was on route to determine if the person in question had suffered from a stroke.

But no, this is Donald Trump. Sadly, it was bizarre and sad and stupid and truly disturbing, but also just a Saturday morning.

I'm not stopping.

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I’ve always thought that “No right turn on red” signs were stupid and therefore entirely optional.

I’m sure there is some reason why particular intersections have been deemed too dangerous to allow right turns on red, but I’m also sure that this is nonsense. Not unlike the addition of a four-way stop signs at an intersection following an accident.

Just because one moron can’t drive safely doesn’t mean that we all need to stop for now and ever more.

But last night, while driving Elysha and her parents home from a show, I took a right on red and my father-in-law said, “You know, you could get a ticket for that.”

“For what?” I asked.

“Taking that right on red without stopping first”.

The right turn in question was at a three-way intersection. I was traveling on a main road and turned right on red onto the intersecting road. But there was no road opposite of my intersecting road where another car might be coming.

“I have to stop my car before taking a right on red?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said.

My mother-in-law concurred.

The Internet also agrees. It’s a law.

Fascinating. I’ve been driving for 30 years and have never once adhered to this rule, which leads me to ask:

If I’ve been failing to stop before taking a right turn on red for 30 years without being ticketed, should I assume that I’m good for another 30 years, or should I acknowledge that I’ve been pushing my luck and conform to the law?

I’m going with the former, of course. While I certainly look to see if there is oncoming traffic before turning right on red, there is no way in hell that I’m going to start coming to a complete stop if it’s not necessary, particularly after three decades of avoiding the law.

Do people really do this? Do they really come to a complete stop? I’ll be watching now to see.

And if I’m turning right on red at a three-way intersection, where there can’t be any oncoming traffic (because there is no road), I’m definitely not stopping or even looking before turning.

Like I did last night.

This is because to stop and look to ensure that another automobile isn’t approaching from that stand of maple trees or that field of wildflowers or that school playground, or in the case of last night’s turn, that residential home, would be insane.

Three strange medical stories

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In the spirit of “If something strange is going to happen, it’s probably going to happen to me” comes three medical anomalies that have occurred to me in just the last seven years.

I receive the pneumonia vaccine.

Did you even know that the pneumonia vaccine existed? I didn’t, and most people don’t. But after having contracted pneumonia four times over the course of ten years, my doctor said to me, “I’m going to give you the pneumonia vaccine.”

“The pneumonia vaccines?” I said. ‘I’ve never heard of the pneumonia vaccine.”

“Of course you haven’t,” my doctor replied. “It’s a shot we give to elderly women . And now you.”

A bunch of old ladies and me. Of course.

I get tubes put into my ears.

For reasons that no doctor could ever explain, my left ear began getting blocked with fluid a couple years ago. After having it cleared twice without success, my ENT recommended that I get tubes in my ears.

“The kinds you put in kids’ ears?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said. “Those.”

It hurt like hell while he was putting the tubes in, so I asked, “How do you do this to kids without them flipping out?”

“Oh, We put them to sleep,” he said.

After suggesting that maybe I could’ve been put to sleep, too, I asked him how many adults get tubes put into their ears.

“I think you’re my first,” he said. “This never happens to adults.”

Of course.

I contract canine scabies.

About seven years ago, our now-deceased dog, Kaleigh, contracted canine scabies, which is an impossibility in itself since contracting them requires a dog to come in contact with an animal with scabies. Usually a fox or squirrel or some other wild animal. Kaleigh was never off a leash, and she never came in contact with any wild animal that I can recall, so how she managed to contract the scabies will forever be a mystery.

However, we had no idea that she had canine scabies. When rashes began appearing on all of us (including newborn Charlie), we feared that it was bed bugs. We had multiple bed bug companies come into our home to inspect, and the opinions differed amongst the experts,.

It was a summer of hell.

Eventually, Elysha took the kids to her parents to escape, and I was left to await bed bug treatment when I happened to bring Kaleigh to the vet for a routine visit, and the doctor diagnosed canine scabies almost immediately. There were so many live scabies on her body, in fact, that I was then asked to bring a sample of her hair and skin to the Connecticut Department of Agriculture, who had never seen a live sample before (and doubted that they were even scabies until putting them under a microscope).

It was quite a visit.

Kaleigh’s treatment was two weeks of heart worm pills, which killed the scabies almost immediately, but the humans reported to the dermatologist for treatment

I asked the vet if I could just take the heart worm pills, too, and he said, “I might, but I can’t recommend it for you.”

The dermatologist examined our skin. On Elysha and the kids, the rashes were caused by the contact of scabies to their skin, as expected. An application of some head-to-toe cream several times would clear up the problem.

But on my body, and especially my forearms, the scabies had actually burrowed into my skin.

Nice. Huh?

The doctor then asked if she could take photos of my skin.

“Why?” I asked.

“You’re the first human being we’ve ever seen who has live canine scabies under the skin like this. We didn’t think it was possible. These picture will probably end up in a medical journal.”

Of course.

21 + 3 Parenting Truths

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Behold! My list of 21 + 3 truths about parenting.

If you find any item on my list offensive, insulting, or somehow unfairly critical of your own parenting decisions, please remember that although I refer to these items as truths, the only real truth is that this is just a list of my opinions about parenting.

I won't be coming to your home to impose my will upon your children or your parenting style.

This doesn't mean you can't disagree. I love a lively debate. Just don't go flying off the handle or getting your knickers in a bunch.

If you feel your knickers beginning to bunch, please refer to truth #21 on the list.

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21 +3 TRUTHS ABOUT PARENTING

  1. The parent who assumes the tougher position in regards to expectations and discipline is almost always correct.

  2. Almost every child behavior is temporary. Remembering this is key to avoiding frustration.  

  3. Almost every temper tantrum can and should be ignored.

  4. The calmer the household, the calmer the child.

  5. Avoid becoming emotionally attached to your child’s inappropriate behaviors whenever possible. They are almost never about you.  

  6. There are extremely few critical and uncorrectable mistakes that you can make with your child. 

  7. With exceptions, training your child to fall sleep on her own in her own bed and sleep through the night takes about 2-4 weeks if done with tenacity, an iron will, and an absolute adherence to the advice of experts. Parents must also possess the grudging acceptance that thunderstorms, nightmares, daylight savings time, and illness will upset the apple cart from time to time.

  8. You cannot take too many photographs of your child.

  9. Despite their size, it’s almost impossible to impose your physical will on any toddler without risking harm to them. Find another way.

  10. Reading to your child every single night without exception is an easy but critical critical commitment that every parent must make.  

  11. Changing a diaper is not a big deal and is never something worthy of whines or complaints.

  12. Toddlers will invariably have a million things to tell you as soon as you begin an important telephone call. Lock yourself in a room or go sit in the car before dialing. 

  13. Experienced parents always know which toys are best.

  14. Toddlers cannot distinguish between a new toy and a used toy. Accept all hand-me-down toys with gratitude, knowing they were once well loved and can be loved again.

  15. Unsolicited advice from experienced parents should always be received with appreciation. Wisdom of any kind is valuable. It should not be viewed as a criticism or indictment of your own parenting skills and can be easily ignored if need be.

  16. There is absolutely no reason for a child under eighteen months-old to be watching television on a daily basis.

  17. Consignment shops are some of the best places to find children’s clothing and toys unless you are a pretentious snob.

  18. Parents seeking the most fashionable or trendy stroller, diaper bag, and similar accouterments are often saddled with the least practical option.

  19. Little boys and little girls are entirely different animals. They have almost nothing in common, and it is a miracle that they might one day marry each other.

  20. The ratio of happy times to difficult times in the first four years of your child’s life is about one billion to one. Some parents have an unfortunate tendency to forget the billion and accentuate the one.

  21. Parents are often far too sensitive about all opinions on parenting that differ from their own.

I’ve also separated out three rules out that are closely interconnected and exceptionally important for expecting parents and the parents of newborns to understand.

  1. Taking care of a child during the first four years of life is not nearly as difficult as many people want you to believe.

  2. Telling people that raising your child has been an easy and joyous experience will often annoy them. Do it anyway.  

  3. Experienced parents who are positive, optimistic, and encouraging to the parents of newborns are difficult to come by and should be treasured when found.