The needless shortening of words is cray tradge. It must stop

I’m going on the record as vehemently opposing the needless shortening of words.

This weekend I heard someone shorten champagne to champers. On the radio, no less.

Not only does this sound stupid, but it’s impossible to spell champers without confusing people.

Champers also has the same number of syllables as champagne, thereby nullifying any purpose of the reduction  and making me think that champers is probably a word used most often by douchebags.

Just say it aloud a few times:

“On New Year’s Eve, I think I’ll have a little champers.”

I feel stupider each time that I say it.

Even the dog thinks I’m an idiot.  

Other acts of word shortening stupidity include cray, cray-cray, hundo, tradge, whatevs, gorg, hilar, redonk, nevs, brill, bestie, and perhaps the worst of them all, totes.

No. Jelly is the worst. No, totes. No, jelly. 

There’s also the shortening of the phrase "the usual" minus the "ual," but I can’t begin to imagine how to spell that.

There are more. Many more. I’m sure you know lots of them. Hopefully you hate them as much as me. I’ll refrain from listing any more in fear of offending too many champers-drinking readers.

Then again, perhaps I am a hard-lined word completeist.

(I made that word up and am undecided about the final e. Thoughts?)

Maybe I need to be a little more flexible about the language. I understand that the English language is a living, breathing entity constantly undergoing change, but this does not mean that every change is good and needs to be accepted. For a short and terrifying moment in American history, tubular was a word that people were using to express the greatness of something, but except in small pockets of stupidity, that died quickly.

Perhaps this trend in needless word shortening will die a similar death.

Still, I am admittedly a hardliner. I’m not even comfortable using the word photo. I much prefer photograph, though I acknowledge that this is an extreme position to take.

But in general, the needless shortening of words needs to stop. You sound like an idiot. You sound ridiculous.

No redonk.