Sometimes a job is more than a job.

I have been teaching at the same elementary school in West Hartford, CT since the fall of 1999. The way that this school and its people have become intertwined in my life astounds me.  

Just over the course of the Columbus Day weekend:

1. I went to a Moth StorySLAM in Boston with a former colleague.
2. I went apple picking with two colleagues and their children.
3. I played golf with two former colleagues and the parent of former students.
4. I exchanged a lengthy set of amusing text messages with the parent of former students. 
5. I had lunch with two colleagues. 
6. One of my former students babysat my children, as she does quite often. 
7. I spent a great deal of time with my wife, who is also a former colleague. 

Eleven different people in all over the course of four days.

Sometimes a job is just a job. You come and go. Make a friend, perhaps. Eat lunch with coworkers. Share cake in break rooms to celebrate birthdays. You might go home and tell your spouse about so-and-so at work, but the relationships rarely extend beyond the walls of the workplace.  

But sometimes a job becomes a part of you. The people who you work with become a part of your life and your soul. They become embedded in all that you do. 

They are some of the most important people in your life.

I'm not sure if it's the nature of teaching or the length of time that I have spent in one place or simply the extraordinary people with whom I have worked and whose children I have taught, but many of the most important people in my life were met under the roof of my school.

Teachers. Parents. Students.

I often marvel at how different my life would be today had I not been hired for a teaching job at my school on a morning in May almost 20 years ago. 

Friendship Application 3.0

Behold the newly-revised Friendship Application 3.0.

Friendship Application 1.0 is more than five years old, and Friendship Application 2.0 is three years old, so it was time for an update.

There have been instances in previous years when it seemed as if someone in my life was on the verge of becoming a genuine friend. This is all well and good, but what if the person turned out to be a Jets fan or a militant vegan or someone who watched five hours of television a day?

I’m not opposed to making a new friend, but I have standards. Thus the Friendship Application was born.

If I feel that someone is on the verge of becoming my friend, I will send an email that reads:

Dear _____________,
Over the past couple weeks, I’ve noticed that we may be on the verge of becoming friends. In order to ensure that you are proper friendship material, please complete the attached application. A score of 100 or above will indicate that this friendship can proceed.

Less than 100 and I will be forced to terminate this potential friendship.

Good luck!

It’s important to note that all current friends are grandfathered in and need not score 100 in order to remain my friends. This is merely an acknowledgement of my limited time and the value that I place on my current friends. A new friend could potentially infringe upon my already limited time with them, so it’s important to determine if the return on investment is reasonable.

Some items of note in regards to my criteria:

• The vegetarian question does not imply that I have a problem per se with vegetarians or vegans (I actually have at least two friends who are vegetarians), but considering my limitations in terms of vegetables, it makes friendship slightly more challenging in terms of finding a place where we can both eat. And I know a lot of vegans who love to talk about being a vegan, which makes me want to stab them with a carrot. 
• In asking if an applicant is a teacher, I am seeking to determine if our schedules will closely align. A teacher with the same summer vacation as me is much more valuable than someone who is working 8-10 hours a day throughout the summer months as well.
• I ask if an applicant is an author and a writer because there is a distinction. An author is published, allowing for discussion and insight into the publishing world. A writer is a person unpublished but still very much appreciated for their knowledge and engagement in the craft.
• Even though I am a Yankees fan, it should be noted that a Red Sox fan can score points based upon my recognition that this rivalry often produces interesting debates and lively banter. The same does not apply to  Jets fans, who are always annoying and downright unpleasant when discussing their teams.
• In terms of golf, you can score points for being a golfer, but actually playing on a regular basis (and therefore being available to play) is much more valuable to me. Some of my closest friends are golfers, but because they only play a couple times a year (for reasons usually associated with the demands of their job or family), it means little to me in terms of available playing partners. I considered adding a question about whether or not an applicant had to ask his or her spouse for permission to play golf, but I didn’t think that anyone who required permission would answer honestly.
• In terms of football, flag football scores more points than touch football because flag football implies a greater commitment to the game. You can also easily transition an attempt to strip a player of a flag into a full-blown tackle, often without much complaint or protest.
• My question regarding an applicant’s weekend wake up time seeks to determine his or her availability. I have friends who profess to love golf, for example, but are unwilling to get out of bed at 5:30 AM on a Sunday in order to play. The earlier you get up on the weekend, the more likely you are available for early morning activities. Some of my closest friends will routinely call or text me at 6:00 AM on any given day, knowing that we are always awake at that hour.
• The question about the all-nighter seeks to determine a person’s sleep tolerance. I am often in search of friends who are willing to stay up exceptionally late in order to attend a Moth event in NYC, a Monday night football game in Foxboro, MA, or even an all-night activity like the Williams Trivia Contest at Williams College in Williamstown, MA. There are few people willing to sacrifice sleep in exchange for attending one of these memorable events. I am always in search of more.
• In terms of martial state, unmarried is preferable to married simply because there are fewer demands on a person’s schedule and greater availability.
• The number of hours per day that an applicant watches television is an indication of the probability of the applicant summarizing the plots of TV shows and the dearth of meaningful moments in an applicant’s life.
• Similarly, a childless person is preferable to one with kids because of his or her increased availability, but having children similar in age to my own children is also helpful and can score you points.
• The number of Supreme Court justices that a person can name is shorthand for an applicant’s knowledge of politics and current events, which is crucial in any meaningful conversation.
• A long distance runner spends insane amounts of time running, so availability is often compromised. Also, I think long distance runners are a tiny bit insane.
• Living in NYC is an asset, as I love the city, am there often, and am constantly looking for company.
• An applicant’s skill level with home repairs is an asset to me, who can’t fix a damn thing. But an inability to conduct basic household repairs does not impede your chances at friendship status. Similarly, an applicant skilled in the technological realm is a potential asset, but having no knowledge or understanding of technology is a disadvantage because it is likely that the applicant will be hindered in some regard or constantly asking inane questions.

Cruelty is a sign of true friendship

A friend sent this to me. After some thought, I came to the conclusion that this is absolutely true in every way.

My closest and best friends are the people to whom I say the worst things.

My 15 dead friends (potentially)

I’m once again in the process of revising my Friendship Application.

As I’ve debated new categories to add to my list and the revision of others, I’ve begun to wonder about who I might have befriended from the days of yore.

In short, what dead men and women I would have wanted as friends.

So I’ve begun a list. My criteria is this:

• The person must be a slam dunk. In the past several days, I have considered dozens of maybes and probablys, but unless I can say for certain that I would call that dead person my friend, he or she is not added to the list.
• I cannot add people to the list for curiosity sake. For example, I would love to hear the truth about the Kennedy assassination from Lee Harvey Oswald, but that desire for information is not enough to befriend him.
• I am seeking people of similar mindsets and sensibilities, as well as those individuals who so thoroughly impress me that I would want to spend as much time as possible in their company.

Here’s what I’ve got so far, in order of preference:

• H.L. Mencken

• Voltaire
• Jonathan Swift
• Eleanor Roosevelt
• Mark Twain
• Richard Pryor

• Winston Churchill 
• Ida Tarbell

• Roald Dahl
• Harriet Tubman
• Oscar Wilde
• George Carlin
• Ida B. Wells
• Bing Crosby

• Douglas Adams
• Thomas Paine

If you have any suggestions for additions, please send them along.

If you would like to generate your own list and share it with the rest of us, that would be even better.

Unfair assumption #8: The grown men in the audience of the Glee: The 3D Concert Movie are not friendship material for me.

The grown men in the audience of the Glee: The 3D Concert Movie, who were overjoyed and in some cases genuinely euphoric over performance taking place on stage, are not likely friendship material for me. First, let me make it clear that I did not watch the Glee movie. I was flipping through the HBO channels when I stumbled upon the concert and stopped only because I saw one of these grown men, fist in the air, tears in his eyes as he sang along with Glee’s version of Don’t Stop Believin’.

I had to stop. I couldn’t help myself.

I’m also familiar with Glee. My wife and I watched the first season of the show, but I did not like it. I thought that the music was highly overproduced and inauthentic within the context of the show, making it unwatchable for me. Still, I know many people who watch Glee and like it a lot (including my wife). I have no qualms with someone appreciating the show.

I can even understand a grown man attending this kind of concert. In 1989 I brought my sister to a New Kids on the Block concert, and though I was not a fan of the band, I had to admit that they put on a good show.

Ten years later I brought a niece to a Britney Spears concert, which was expectedly atrocious. Spears lip-synced the entire show and oftentimes seemed disinterested and distracted on stage. On my way to the men’s room, I passed the father of one of my former students. We stopped, made eye contact, and I said, “Let us never speak of this moment.”

“Agreed,” he said and we went our separate ways.

Still, there’s nothing wrong with a father taking his daughter to a concert.

There’s even nothing wrong with a grown man wearing a “Gleek” tee-shirt and jumping up and down, screaming the songs at the top of his lungs at a Glee concert.

I won’t even criticize the tears in the eyes of some of these men or the sheer euphoria that some of these men experienced during the five minutes that I was watching the concert.

It wouldn’t be my reaction to this kind of performance, but to each his own.

I just can’t see me and any of these men being friends someday. At best, I would be required to make fun of them for their obvious obsession on a  daily basis, and while many male relationships are rooted in constant ribbing, this would probably be too much.

Ironically, they might make great characters in the kinds of books that I write. While I can admire their willingness to be themselves and brave the mocking of jerks like me, it’s just not enough to make me want to play poker or golf with them anytime soon.

The Friendship Application 2.0

Behold the newly-revised Friendship Application (the original one was more than two years old and in serious need of an update).

There have been instances over the past year or so when it seemed as if someone in my life was on the verge of becoming a genuine friend. This is all well and good, but what if the person turned out to be a Jets fan or a militant vegan or lived an hour from my home?

I’m not opposed to making a new friend, but I have standards.

Thus the Friendship Application was born.

If I feel that someone is on the verge of becoming my friend, I will send an email that reads:

Dear _____________,

Over the past couple weeks, I’ve noticed that we may be on the verge of becoming friends.  In order to ensure that you are proper friendship material, please complete the attached application.  A score of 100 or above will indicate that this friendship can proceed.

Less than 100 and I will be forced to terminate this potential friendship.

Good luck!

Some items of note in regards to my criteria:

• The vegetarian question does not imply that I have a problem per se with vegetarians or vegans (I actually have at least two friends who are vegetarians), but considering my limitations in terms of vegetables, it makes friendship slightly more challenging in terms of finding a place where we can both eat.
  
• In asking if an applicant is a teacher, I am seeking to determine if our schedules will closely align. A teacher with the same summer vacation as me is much more valuable than someone who is working 8-10 hours a day throughout the summer months as well.
  
• Even though I am a Yankees fan, it should be noted that a Red Sox fan can score points based upon my recognition that this rivalry often produces interesting debates and lively banter. The same does not apply to Mets and especially Jets fans, who are always annoying and downright unpleasant when discussing their teams.
  
• In terms of golf, you can score points for being a golfer, but actually playing on a regular basis (and therefore being available to play) is much more valuable to me. Some of my closest friends are golfers, but because they only play a couple times a year (for reasons usually associated with the demands of their job or family), it means little to me in terms of available playing partners. I considered adding a question about whether or not an applicant had to ask his or her spouse for permission to play golf, but I didn’t think that anyone who required permission would answer honestly.
  
• In terms of football, flag football scores more points than touch football because flag football implies a greater commitment to the game. You can also easily transition an attempt to strip a player of a flag into a full-blown tackle, often without much complaint or protest.
  
• My question regarding an applicant’s weekend wake up time seeks to determine his or her availability. I have friends who profess to love golf, for example, but are unwilling to get out of bed at 5:30 AM on a Sunday in order to play. The earlier you get up on the weekend, the more likely you are available for early morning activities. Some of my closest friends will routinely call or text me at 6:00 AM on any given day, knowing that we are always awake at that hour.
  
• The question about the all-nighter seeks to determine a person’s sleep tolerance. I am often in search of friends who are willing to stay up exceptionally late in order to attend a Moth event in NYC, a Monday night football game in Foxboro, MA, or even an all-night activity like the Williams Trivia Contest at Williams College in Williamstown, MA. There are few people willing to sacrifice sleep in exchange for attending one of these memorable events. I am always in search of more.
  
• In terms of martial state, unmarried is preferable to married simply because there are fewer demands on a person’s schedule and greater availability.
  
• Similarly, a childless person is preferable to one with kids because of his or her increased availability, but having children similar in age to my own children is also helpful and can score you points.