The postnuptial agreement: A new method of marital negotiation. An even better indicator of people who need to repeat kindergarten.

My wife and I almost never fight. We don't even bicker. She says it's because we're both easygoing people.

I thought it had something to do with love.

Either way, we always manage to find middle ground on the rare occasions when the need for compromise arises.

May I humbly suggest that if you are in need of a postnuptial agreement in order to settle your differences, you are marrying the wrong person.

Or perhaps marriage simply isn’t for you. 

As described in this Daily Beast piece, a postnup is a legal proceeding in which spouses hire attorneys to “work out exactly how to spend the family’s money, or even the details of your day-to-day activities. You get this much for golf gear; I get that much for home décor. Your parents for Thanksgiving; mine for Christmas Eve. In other words, it’s marriage by postnuptial agreement.”

“According to some of the nation’s top divorce experts, a postnup can be a productive way of dealing with all sorts of practical and financial issues that often threaten the long-term viability of a union.”

Husband hires a lawyer. Wife hires a lawyer. Negotiations ensue.

Apparently this can range from how often a couple will be taking vacations to who gets stuck with weeding and raking the backyard.

Writer Jacoba Urist admits that at the postnuptial agreement sounds “a little silly” but I think it’s a little more than just silly.

I think it’s a goddamn tragedy.

I think it’s a pathetic alternative to genuine compromise and emblematic of a marriage that should have never happened and should probably end immediately.

Frankly, I think it’s also a clear indicator that the two people engaging in the postnuptial agreement are repulsive in their own right and should be avoided at all costs, at least when it comes to long-term relationships.

These are people who failed to learn the lessons taught in kindergarten regarding sharing, cooperation, concession and sacrifice. And because their teachers and parents can no longer step in and settle their differences for them, they hire attorneys to serve as de facto kindergarten teachers, dividing the toys and the chores equitably.

These marriages are destined to end in divorce, and when they do, avoid these people at all costs.

Date adults. Not kindergarten brats.