If Newington, Connecticut ever wants a new slogan, it has many options, including a serial killer and a lot of coffee.

I live in the town of Newington, Connecticut. Our town’s slogan, at least according to our seal, is Growth & Progress.

This is a fine slogan, I guess. The two words are similar, so it’s kind of like putting a hat on a hat. But still, it’s fine.

However, if the town is ever looking to update the slogan, I would like to offer a few suggestions.

Newington: There are seven Dunkin Donuts in this damn town. Seven!

Newington: Closer to West Hartford Center and Blue Back Square than many parts of West Hartford, but with considerably lower property taxes.

Newington: You’re never more than fifteen minutes from every big box store on the planet.

Newington: Home of the smallest natural waterfall in the country. That’s right, people. The smallest.

Newington: There is a sentence on our Wikipedia page that reads, “Newington Public Schools operates public schools in Newington.” Obviously not written by a Newington High School graduate.

Newington: Home of Amy Archer-Gilligan, nursing home proprietor and serial killer

Newington: A town that refuses to include noted author and raconteur Matthew Dicks amongst its list of Notable People on its Wikipedia page.