The Nipple Bra is further proof that it wasn’t entirely my parents’ fault.

I once heard a Moth storyteller blame her parents’ failure to meet the minimum requirements of a mother and father on the 1970s. It was a different and inexplicable time in the history of the country, the storyteller explained. A strange and mysterious decade that no one today can quite understand.

A time when the inexplicable became explicable.

I took great comfort in this idea. Having been born in 1971, perhaps this is why my parents failed me in so many ways as well. I quickly latched onto the notion and have been clinging to it ever since.

Since then, I have been watchful for further signs that the 1970s were an anomaly in the history of this country. Anything to bolster the claim that it wasn’t my parents who failed me. It was the decade.

The 1970s were to blame.

The Nipple Bra is one of these signs. An obvious indicator that the people living in the 1970s had completely, albeit temporarily, lost their minds.  

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Reverse napping: Science says yes.

In addition to gaining coverts, it turns out that there is actual science behind the Reverse Nap.

From a Wikipedia entry on segmented sleep:

Historian A. Roger Ekirch argues that before the Industrial Revolution, segmented sleep was the dominant form of human slumber in Western civilization. He draws evidence from documents from the ancient, medieval, and modern world, which he discovered over the course of fifteen years of research. Other historians, such as Craig Koslofsky, have endorsed Ekirch's discovery and analysis.

According to Ekirch's argument, typically individuals slept in two distinct phases, bridged by an intervening period of wakefulness of up to an hour or more. Peasant couples, who were often too tired after field labor to do much more than eat and go to sleep, awakened later to have sex. People also used this time to pray and reflect, and to interpret dreams, which were more vivid at that hour than upon waking in the morning. This was also a favorite time for scholars and poets to write uninterrupted, whereas still others visited neighbors, or engaged in petty crime.

Did you see that?

“This was also a favorite time for scholars and poets to write uninterrupted…”

I’m not a scholar and only a hack poet, but still, that’s me!

There is also a TED Talk on the subject:

In truth, I’m not sure how I feel about this.

While it’s rewarding to know that science supports my idea of the Reverse Nap, I’m a little disappointed that the idea does not appear to be originally my own.

In a perfect world, preeminent scientists  and researchers would have read my blog, been intrigued by my idea, and conducted a massive study to confirm the validity of my idea.

Instead, it seems as if I have stumbled upon something that others stumbled upon previously.

Decidedly less rewarding. 

Bike helmets suck

I’ve wanted to say that for a while, but it seemed so wrong.

Even though I grew up riding a bike almost every day and never wore a helmet throughout my childhood, I am not stupid enough to rely on the “I did it as a child and turned out just fine” argument.

For every one of us who turned out fine, how many children died during the 1970s and 1980s because they weren’t wearing a helmet?

It turns out the number might be surprisingly small.

Elizabeth Rosenthal of the New York Times points out that in most countries, bike helmets are a rarity, and as a result, rates of bike sharing and cycling in general are considerably higher.

“Pushing helmets really kills cycling and bike-sharing in particular because it promotes a sense of danger that just isn’t justified — in fact, cycling has many health benefits,” says Piet de Jong, a professor in the department of applied finance and actuarial studies at Macquarie University in Sydney. He studied the issue with mathematical modeling, and concludes that the benefits may outweigh the risks by 20 to 1.

He adds: “Statistically, if we wear helmets for cycling, maybe we should wear helmets when we climb ladders or get into a bath, because there are lots more injuries during those activities.” The European Cyclists’ Federation says that bicyclists in its domain have the same risk of serious injury as  pedestrians per mile traveled.

Does this mean that I will allow my son or daughter to ride their bikes without helmets? Probably not, but possibly only because they have a mother who would likely oppose this nonconformist view of safety.

But does it mean that I may stop wearing my helmet when riding my bike?

Yeah, it might. I hate the stupid thing.

My crazy ideas aren’t so crazy after all.

A couple weeks ago I wrote about The Reverse Nap, a concept that I predicted would quickly (or eventually) sweep the nation and become a thing.

I know that many of you thought I was crazy when you read that post, but since then, two people have contacted me to tell me that they are now reverse napping and loving it.

I’m telling you. It’s going to be a thing.

A week ago, I wrote about my evening of skipping down streets of Brattleboro, Vermont, and encouraged you to give skipping a try.

I know that some of you, including my wife, thought this was crazy, but since writing that post, no fewer than half a dozen people have contacted me to tell me that they have tried skipping again after many years of non-skipping and have fallen in love with it.

Some have even skipped in pairs.

Skipping might just become a thing, too.

More than a year ago I wrote about my desire to become a professional best man. I am certain that some of you thought I was crazy when I wrote this post because you told me so, but to date, three people have attempted to hire me as their professional best man. The only thing that has prevented them from engaging my services is geography. All three live too far away for me to be effective.

In addition, I was recently contacted by entrepreneurs in the UK who are considering launching their own professional best man service and wanted to know what kind of success I had experienced thus far.   

I may be crazy, but I’m crazy like a fox.

Skipping

I’m coming out in favor of skipping.

I’m serious. Have you actually tried skipping lately?

I was skipping down the deserted streets of Brattleboro, Vermont late last night, and it felt freakin’ great. The swinging of the arms, the momentary, almost violent liftoff into the air in the midst of each skip and the inability to do anything but smile throughout the process, make it something we really should do more often.

Eliminate your commute

Earlier this week I was interviewed about my rather meandering lifelong career path and asked what advice I might give in terms of building a successful career.

I had a lot to say on this subject, and perhaps I will share more in the future, but one of the best pieces of advice I can give to anyone in terms of their career is this:

Eliminate your commute.

The closer you live to your place of work, the happier you will be. With our hours and minutes so limited by the interminable rotation of the Earth, far too much time is wasted by commuters traveling to and from work every day.

My commutes have ranged from 90 minutes to 5 minutes, and I assure you that the 5 minute commute, which I have enjoyed for the past 15 years, is the only way to go.

If your commute is more than 15 minutes long, you need to move.

Move now.

Recapture that lost time with your family and friends. The most valuable thing in this world is time. It is the only commodity in constant demand by every person on the planet regardless of their income level.  Do not spend a minute more than necessary driving to and from work.

And please don’t tell me that you enjoy your 45 minute commute because it gives you time to decompress or provides you with the alone time that you cannot find anywhere else.

This is what I call a ridiculous rationalization.

If you truly require the time to decompress, drive home, park the car in the driveway, and take a 30 minute walk around the block before ever entering the house. Not only will you have the time you need to relax, but you will get some exercise at the same time.  

If I could only give one piece of career advice, it might be to eliminate your commute at all costs. There is no better way to be happy in your career than to increase the amount of free time you have to spend outside of your career.

The Reverse Nap

I’ve started a thing, and someday you’ll be able to say that you knew the guy who started the thing and remember when it started to become a thing. The thing is The Reverse Nap.

Here’s how it works:

I go to sleep at my regularly appointed hour, usually somewhere between 11:30 PM and midnight.

Then I wake up at some point in the middle of the night, usually around 2:00 AM. Originally it was the dog who was waking me up, and occasionally the baby, but now I just wake up around this time whether I want to or not.

I climb out of bed. go downstairs and work for about 90 minutes. I write, revise, empty the dishwasher, pay bills, read. Whatever is most pressing. Whatever I didn’t get to the day before.

It turns out that 2:00 AM is the ideal time to accomplish goals. No one in the house is awake. There are no children pleading with me to play hide-and-go-seek. There are no emails hitting my inbox. Even Twitter is relatively quiet. It’s just me and whatever task I have chosen for a solid hour or more.

Then around 3:30 AM I return to bed and experience all the joys of climbing into a warm bed and falling asleep for a second time that night.

The Reverse Nap, my friends.

I’m telling you, it’s going to become a thing. A big thing.

Add this to my job list. Not this.

Last week I wrote about the many career aspirations that I have when I finally decide to retire from teaching (which isn’t anytime soon).

It’s recently come to my attention that Massachusetts's Institute of Technology’s Department of Athletics, Physical Education, and Recreation now issues pirate certificates to students who complete the requirements. In order to earn a pirate certificate, a student must pass four physical education courses (pistol use, archery, sailing, and fencing) and take a secret oath.

With this newfound information , I’d like to add “Pirate” to my list of career aspirations.

Here’s one I will never add to the list:

Pick a career, damn it. Or ten.

I read an interesting piece on Penelope Trunk’s blog on choosing a career that you will like.

Trunk quotes economist Neil Howe, who says that only 5% of people pick the right job on the first try.

He calls those people “fast starters” and in general, they are less creative, less adventurous and less innovative, which makes a conventional, common path work well for them.

If you’re in a career that you despise and are dreaming of trying something new, take heart. Almost everyone makes the wrong choice at some point in their lives.

The tragedy is not changing careers when there is still time.

And there is always time.  

One of Trunk’s suggestions in choosing the right career is to pick a lifestyle, not a job.

I like this suggestion a lot.

My boss often refers to teaching as a lifestyle choice, and I agree. No one will ever become wealthy by choosing to become a teacher, but the benefits that teaching offers in terms of the kind of work we do and the time it allows us to spend with our families makes it an ideal career choice for people who want to make a difference in this world and still spend as much time as possible with their friends and families.

I chose teaching because I had wanted to be a teacher ever since I was a little boy. Perhaps this is because school was a safer and happier place for me than home. Perhaps it was because my arrogant, little boyhood self always assumed that I could do the job better than the teachers standing before me. Perhaps it was because I was the oldest of five children, so teaching came naturally to me. Regardless of the reason, I was blessed with a strong desire to teach at an early age.

In terms of career choices, teaching is actually a relatively safe and stable one. As a writer, I know that not all career choices are nearly as secure. As an example, Trunk writes:

Look at the successful writers you read. Most of them wrote for years in obscurity, risking long-term financial doom in order to keep writing. Do you really want that path for yourself? Rena Subotnik, author of Gifted Grownups finds that most people who are exceptionally creative have to give up almost everything else in order to pursue “creativity with a big C”. For most people, that path is not appealing.

When I was deciding on my career path, I was well aware of the financial dangers that a career in writing presented me. Though my desire to write for a living was just as strong as my desire to teach by the time I was able to attend college, I knew that teaching would afford me a more stable future. Thankfully, the two careers fit together nicely. Though I write every day without exception, I tend to do the bulk of my writing over the summer when the demands of teaching take a two month hiatus.

I’m astounded by the number of young adults who have recently told me that they are still not sure what kind of career they want, or even worse, who seem to have no strong career aspirations whatsoever.

I’m also surprised by the number of people who end up falling into a career that pays the bills but does not resemble anything that they envisioned for themselves when they were younger. These tend to be people who had dreams of pursuing careers in the arts but have abandoned these dreams in favor of more conventional, profitable endeavors.

While I understand the rationale behind these practical decisions, I cannot understand the decision to abandon your dreams entirely. Go to work in sales in order to support your family, but if your dream was to become a painter or actor or musician or animator, don’t just give up. Paint on the weekends. Join a community theater. Start a garage band. Take evening classes in computer animation at a local college.

Don’t just quit. 

Instead, I meet people who are rudderless and directionless, working in jobs for which they have no passion or looking for a job that they cannot identify. When I ask them what they want to do, they shrug their shoulders and sigh.

Literally. 

I have the opposite problem. Despite the many jobs that I have held in my past, I have too many career ambitions. When I retire from teaching someday, the unimaginable idea of never standing before a class of students again will be mitigated by the freedom to launch a new career.

I’m just not sure which career to choose next.

There are the jobs that I have mentioned before on this blog, including professional best man (I had my fourth inquiry about this position recently, but once again the client lived too far away to make the job feasible), life coach (I actually have two paying clients), double date companion and gravesite visitor.

Then there are the more serious careers that I have serious interest in. These include:

Sociologist
Bookstore owner
Behavioral economist
College professor
Efficiency expert
Camp director
Inspirational speaker
Professional poker player
Financial analyst
Firefighter
Therapist

I’m sure I’m forgetting a few.

There are so many careers in this world from which to choose that I cannot imagine finding myself in the position of not knowing what I want to do with my life.

Instead, I find myself wanting to demand that these directionless young adults donate their lives to me. In the unlikely event that I someday die, I won’t have time to do all that I want with my life. If you can’t decide what you want to do with your life, hand your precious time over to me.

I promise to use it productively. 

If a person cannot muster enough passion to choose at least one career path, that person has a serious problem.

As a life coach and a future therapist and inspirational speaker, perhaps I can help.

Ninjas to the rescue. Seriously.

I enjoy the movies a lot, but I have begun to enter movie theaters with great trepidation, knowing that it takes just one moron to ruin the experience.

The idiots who text during the movie are bad enough, and the people who actually make and receive calls on their cell phones make the experience untenable.

Then there are the extreme, albeit seemingly common, cases:

On Valentines Day this year, I found myself sitting next to a couple and their infant. The baby was noisy, cried at least twice, and at one point the couple changed the baby’s diaper while still sitting in their seats.

I don’t care what anyone says. Infants do not belong in movie theaters.

Then there was the toddler sitting in the front row for Cloverfield until the parents finally decided to act responsibly and remove their terrified child from the theater. 

There was the roving band of teenagers who I had to threaten in order to convince them to leave and the time I rallied an entire theater of moviegoers against two women who would not shut up.

All I ask is to watch a movie in peace and quiet, but people seem so willing and capable of screwing this up.

Unfortunately, movie theaters do little to prevent these distractions even as they watch their ticket sales decrease year after year. They have no policy against bringing a baby into a theater and they rarely monitor the behavior of their patrons as they are watching the film. And even if a person wants to complain, it means missing a significant portion of the movie to do so.

I’m happy to report that someone is finally doing something about this problem, and the solution is almost too good to be true:

Ninjas defending your right to a quiet, distraction-free theater.

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The Prince Charles Cinema in Leicester Square has joined forces with Morphsuits — a manufacturer of skin-tight zentai suits — to launch an army of volunteer "cinema ninjas" who get to watch the movie for free in exchange for donning a black body suit and pouncing on misbehaving moviegoers from behind the cinema's shadows.

The "ninja taskforce" stunt has been met with critical acclaim, and was recently picked up by two other British movie theaters.

While I would prefer that the ninjas be professionals, capable of actually removing unwanted patrons from the theater (and inflicting a modicum of  pain in the process), this is at least a step in the right direction.  

It’s also the only step I’ve ever seen any movie theater to ensure that their customers enjoy a disturbance-free experience.

I have a few suggestions as well:

  1. Install cellphone jamming devices in a designated number of theaters in the establishment and declare them phone-free zones. Even though people went to movies, plays, concerts, sporting events and monster truck shows for decades without the benefit of immediate access to the outside world, I understand that some people feel the need to be connected to babysitters and other outside entities at all times in the event of an emergency. I think it’s a little crazy, but I’m willing to accommodate their need. Place jamming devices in half of the theaters and make the rest jammer-free.

  2. Prohibit infants from all movie theaters except for those showing rated G films.

  3. Prohibit all children 5 years old and younger from all movie theaters after 6:00 PM except for those showing rate G films.     

I think these three suggestions are reasonable in scope and would be fairly simple to enact and would be greeted with near-universal appreciation.

Most important, these three steps (in addition to heavily armed ninjas) would go a long way in providing movie theater patrons the kind of experience that the high cost of a movie ticket should guarantee. 

I refuse to give the high school jerks a free pass, regardless of conventional wisdom

Logic says that we shouldn’t continue to blame a person for being a jerk in high school because it was high school. Teenagers are not fully developed human beings, peer pressure can be incredibly intense and people often change a great deal in the years following high school.

But here’s the thing:

Many people chose not to be jerks in high school.

Despite their popularity, wealth or sports acumen, many teenagers choose the path of kindness, empathy, generosity and decency, even when their status would allow them otherwise.

So while we might not judge a person based solely on their actions during their sixteenth year of life, shouldn’t we at least admire the hell out of the people who treated their peers with decency and dignity in high school when so many others around them were doing otherwise?

It’s true that Glenn Bacon has probably grown up a great deal since throwing that music stand at my head like a spear during our junior year. If I met him today, I might find him to be a decent, upstanding man. But he still threw a music stand at my head and refused to take responsibility for his actions when blood was streaming from a cut above my eye and I was unable to regain my feet for a full fifteen minutes.

Sure, he was a teenager, but it was a stupid, cruel, cowardly and dangerous thing to do, and that remains true at any age.

If I met Glenn today, I wouldn’t base my opinion of him solely on his behavior in the music room that day, but this actions would continue to carry weight because of guys like Peter DiCecco or Mark Wojcik, who opted out of that kind of behavior and treated the people around then with decency and kindness despite their age and ability to do otherwise.

At least give credit to the good guys for choosing to be good much earlier than many others. 

30 real reasons to be grateful for living

I did not enjoy Barrie Davenport’s piece entitled 30 Reasons to be Grateful for Living. When your list includes items such vagaries as nature, emotions, life and service people, it fails the obvious test and ceases to be meaningful. You simply cannot list life as one of the reasons that you are grateful for living.

It makes no sense. 

And I’m sorry, but placing a reason like service people alongside nature and the sun is just asking for trouble.

In response, I have listed 3o legitimate reasons to be grateful for living. While not every item on my list may apply to you, I hope that the items are at least better than the nonsense on Davenport’s list.

30 Real Reasons to be Grateful For Living
_____________________________________________

The opportunity to find out how Game of Thrones (books or HBO series) ends

Death can hurt

Bruce Springsteen is recording a new album

The iPhone 5 goes on sale soon

Alien life could be discovered at any moment (or alien life could discover us)

Ben and Jerry are still inventing ice cream combinations

According to the Bible, only 144,000 people will go to Heaven. If you are a person of faith, what are the chances that you are one of the 144,000 most Heaven-deserving people who ever lived and will live?

There’s always a chance for a hole-in-one on any short par 3 (and if you’re not playing golf, learning to play the game is reason enough to live)

The chance to say “I told you so” to the climate-change denying lunatics as polar ice becomes a thing of the past

Legalized gay marriage in all 50 states will happen sooner than you think

JFK assassination documents are still waiting declassification

Immortality is near 

The possibility of flying cars

Hotdogs

The continued relaxing of arbitrary dress codes in all walks of life

The chance to see if my latest book becomes a New York Times bestseller

Faster mobile Internet is just around the corner

David Sedaris’s next book might not be series of silly parables

Confirmation of the Higgs boson is just months away 

Your favorite sports team could win a championship next year

Jimmy Hoffa’s body (or Jimmy Hoffa) could be found

The inevitability of self driving cars 

The opportunity to laugh in the face of the 2012 Mayan doomsday fanatics 

Scientists are making progress in bringing the wholly mammoth back to life via cloning

The smell of a newborn

The discovery of Amelia Earhardt’s plane remains a distinct possibility

The inevitable lifting of all profanity restrictions on television (declaring that certain assemblages of letters are so offensive that they cannot be uttered on television is silly and only serves to enhance their power)

This.

The chance to watch Facebook die a slow, painful death.

I could’ve been selling magic spells for years

I’m annoyed.

I just learned that eBay is banning the sale of "metaphysical" goods such as spells, potions and other magical services. For years , people have apparently been selling potions, spells, fortune telling and the like on the website, and customers have been purchasing them.

I can’t believe I didn’t know this until now.

Jennifer Williams, for example, was selling “love spells, popularity spells and self-confidence spells for $11.11 each” on eBay, and people were buying them in large quantities. 

Her customers included people like R.J. Blair, a 32-year-old San Francisco resident, who says “he bought about 15 to 20 spells over the past year from eBay for as much as $30 each.” He reports that the magic that he purchased through the online auction site helped him with weight loss and his psychic abilities.”

While I do not claim any expertise on the subject of magic, potions or witchcraft, I would have been more than willing to pretend as much in order to make a buck. As a novelist, I already get paid for making up stuff in my head. This would’ve simply been an extension of that core philosophy.

In fact, I could’ve been making up spells and incantations and selling them on eBay for a profit for years.

Instead, I’m apparently late to the game and shut out of this potentially lucrative income stream.

Damn.

Personal competition gets stuff done

A post on Time Management Ninja entitled Be More Productive by Making Your Life a Game struck a chord with me. While I do not adhere strictly to the premise of the article, I often transform aspects of my life into a game in order to accomplish more or increase my level of engagement.

Three from this past week:

  1. In order to save time, I often challenge myself to complete my shower in 150 seconds or less. I actually count aloud as I shower, and though this may not sound like a lot of time, I’ve found that if I apply myself and not waste a second, I can accomplish this goal with relative ease. The average American shower lasts 8-10 minutes. If I can keep mine under 3 minutes, I gain 5-7 minutes per shower over the average American, and while a shower may be relaxing, I typically have more pressing matters.
  2. Our two month old son likes to be held in our arms as often as possible, which is nice because when my daughter was his age, she wanted nothing to do with me. The downside, of course, is that I have a ten pound baby in my arms and a long list of goals to accomplish. Rather than waiting until my wife is available to take Charlie, I often challenge myself to complete as many chores as possible with him still in my arms. Emptying the dishwasher has proven to be rather simple. Sweeping and mopping the floor is not too hard at all. Folding laundry is exceptionally difficult but not impossible. It would be easy for me to simply wait until I have some help, but by turning these tasks into baby-laden challenges, I manage to accomplish goals while adding a competitive spin to the chore and taking Charlie along for the ride.
  3. I entered the grocery store on Wednesday with 12 items on my shopping list. Therefore I gave myself 12 minutes to locate the items and place them in my cart. Since I had never purchased two of these items before and wasn’t sure where they were located, this proved especially difficult. I was forced to run through the store during the last three minutes of the challenge in order to accomplish my goal, but I succeeded with almost 30 seconds to spare, and I did not get sucked into any additional purchases that I did not need.

I play games like this with myself all the time.

Some might say that a more leisurely shower, a few minutes of idle time with my infant son, or a shopping trip that does not require a stopwatch and a last minute sprint down the aisles are more important to a person’s well being than the few minutes that I saved by challenging myself.

I would say that that those people fail to understand a fundamental reality of life:

These minutes add up surprisingly quickly. Five minutes here and ten minutes over the course of a day, week, month or lifetime can quickly equate to hours of additional time to accomplish goals.

In this life, there are people who accomplish a great many things and those who do not. I suspect that those who take leisurely showers,  allow themselves to browse the grocery store for an hour and lack a general sense of urgency are less likely to accomplish great things.

This does not mean that everything that you do must be done with haste and immediacy. If the shower is the one place in your life where you are able to relax and collect your thoughts, spend as much time in there as you need. If you treasure the moments when you can lie beside your infant and stare into his eyes, by all means do so (I can often be found doing this as well). I am speaking more about a person’s general disposition in life.

You are either a person who moves quickly, maintains a sense of urgency and seeks opportunities to recapture lost minutes in the day, or you are not.

If you are the former, I believe that the chances of achieving your goals are much greater.

On my death bed, I suspect that I will not be wishing that I had spent more time in the grocery store or the shower.

There’s a time and place for bad news

My wife sent these photos to me while I was on the golf course this morning.

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I have played golf with many married men and women whose spouses seem to feel the need to inundate them with bad news while on the golf course.

“The kids knocked over a lamp and are hitting each other with frying pans. When are you coming home?”

“Your mother called. Why can’t she be nicer to me?”

“The UPS man just rang the bell and woke up the triplets. Why the hell did you order a new power drill?”

I always feel terrible for these poor souls. Why not save the bad news for when the poor guy or gal gets home? When my wife is out with friends and I am home the kids, I make it a rule to tell her only positive things if she calls. If Clara has gnawed on Charlie’s pinkie finger to the point of making it bleed, there is no reason she needs to hear this news while enjoying dinner with friends.

There’s plenty of time for these stories when she returns home.

It’s a shame that more spouses don’t follow this advice. There’s nothing better than knowing that for the three hours that I am shanking drives, skulling wedges and missing putts on the golf course, the wife and kids are happy and having fun.

Even if they’re not.

The iPhone needs a better name

The device in my pocket is called an iPhone, but I’m starting to believe that this is the worst name possible for it.

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At one time, the primary function of a mobile telephone was to serve as a telephone, but for me (and possibly the majority of Americans), the telephonic component of this device has become one of the least important parts of my iPhone.

The number of applications that I utilize on my iPhone more often than the actual phone include (in approximate order to frequency):

  • Texting
  • Instacast (downloading and listening to podcasts)
  • Email
  • Hootsuite (Twitter client)
  • Camera
  • Evernote
  • Calendar
  • Music (audiobooks and music)
  • Mint
  • Clock
  • Chrome
  • Maps
  • ESPN Sportcenter
  • Weather Bug
  • Ziplist

This makes the telephone the 16th most frequently used application on my phone, falling well behind applications like my grocery list and the clock I use to tell time.

It’s also by far my least favorite use of the device.

iPhone hardly seems like the appropriate name anymore.

Anyone want to propose a better name?

I can teach you how to sleep

TIME magazine reports that “the business of helping people get a good night’s rest is likely to remain what it is: A fast-growing sector in an otherwise slow-moving economy.”

In a piece published earlier this week, writer Gary Belsky outlines some of the products and services being offered to a sleep-deprived population, including The Benjamin Hotel’s “sleep concierge,” which is “just one aspect of a smartly differentiated approach to business travel; specifically, a focus on the part of business travel that involves sleeping.”

If you are one of these sleep-deprived people, I’d like to point out that I am an unlicensed sleep expert, and unless you have an honest-to-goodness medical condition that interferes with your sleep, I can probably improve the quality of your sleep and reduce the number of hours of sleep that you require rather simply.

I offer you three simple steps to improve your sleep, and I offer them to you free of charge, unless of course you are inclined to send me some money, which would be perfectly fine.

In addition, I can probably improve the sleep habits of your infants and toddlers as well by presenting to you these four simple steps, also free of charge, though donations are accepted if not encouraged.

If “the business of helping people get a good night’s rest is a fast-growing sector in an otherwise slow-moving economy,” I want a piece of that pie, damn it. 

When choosing a gravestone, why not get creative?

Actor Leslie Nielson’s tombstone is a park bench which engraved with his trademark quote:

Sit down whenever you can.

In 2002 interview regarding his film “Men with Brooms” (which centered on curling), Neilson mentioned that he studied the women’s curing teams at the Olympics and noticed how the “kept the rock in closer to them, and [sat] down more on their legs.”

He declared then that if he ever gets into another curling movie he’ll sit down, and that’s his advice to actors “Always sit down. Whenever you can.” Whether by that he meant “take time to relax whenever you can” or “focus intently on the task” or “don’t work harder than you have to,” we can never be sure.

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But it got me thinking about what I might use for a tombstone instead of the traditional marker. Though Plan A is to never die and Plan B (if someone ruins Plan A by dropping a safe on my head or something similar) is to have my ashes spread at Yawgoog Scout Reservation, I’ve told my wife that I am not opposed to having a marker where my future generations can visit me.

But why choose an ordinary  gravestone when there are so many other options?

I’ll continue to consider this decision carefully, but at the moment, I’m leaning toward memorializing myself in a shot put pit. My idea to capture some of the competitiveness that filled my life while also mitigating the tedium often associated with visiting a cemetery.

A shot put pit seems ideal. A large shot put stone (perhaps larger than an official stone) would serve as my official marker, but it would be placed within a well manicured shot put circle. A more traditional stone marker would be placed just outside the circle, and this would be be engraved with  some of the more pertinent rules of the sport and encourage visitors to toss the shot put as often as they would like. This might even encourage visitors to stay longer and visit repeatedly.

I love the idea of visitors tossing my marker around in an effort to determine who is strongest amongst their group.

In truth, I would prefer that my marker be related to golf, basketball or even poker, but so far I have yet to come up with a viable option in relation to any of these sports or games. The shot put is large, heavy, can be made from stone, and can be engraved with my name and other necessary biographical information, making it ideal for this purpose. 

So this is my current Plan C. I expect it to change as better ideas emerge, but it’s always good to have a Plan C in the event someone decides to drop a safe on my head tomorrow.      

Not everyone finds me adorable.