IMDB, baby.

There is nothing wrong with taking pride in one’s accomplishments.

I am proud of my fifteen year teaching career, which includes a Teacher of the Year honor.

I am proud of my publishing career, which includes three novels that have been published in more than 25 countries worldwide.

I’m proud of the way that we are raising our children.

I am proud of my own educational background, which includes attending two colleges simultaneously in order to earn two degrees, all while managing a fast food restaurant fulltime, launching my DJ company and working part time in the college’s writing center.

Then there are accomplishments that are perhaps less pride-worthy.

I am proud of drinking my friend, Scott, under the table at our friend’s wedding back in 1997.

I am proud of getting the best of a colleague who engaged in a shouting match with me about eight years ago, forcing him to eventually apologize to me despite my aggressive tactics and name calling.

I am proud of the fact that my son is 19 months old and has never peed on me. This was a legitimate concern of mine when I found out that we were having a boy.

I am proud of once being compared to my friend, Coog, in terms of video game prowess. .

Add to the list of questionable pride is a new one:

I have an IMDB page.

I know. I can’t believe it either. 

The Internet Movie Database is the industry storehouse of film and television credits for actors, directors, producers, writers and everyone else involved in the the making of movies and television shows. It’s been around for more than 20 years and is older than the Internet’s first Web browser.

I received a Google alert that my name had popped up on IMDB. I clicked over the site and found two entries for Matthew Dicks.

“I wonder who these two guys are?” I thought.

The first is a Matthew Dicks who worked in the art department for the 2004 film The Woodsman.

I clicked on the second and discovered that it was me.

Me?

All three of my books are currently optioned for film or television, and  Memoirs of an Imaginary Friend is actually moving along quite well (by the agonizingly slow standards of Hollywood). But Unexpectedly, Milo, is also being worked on by a production company, and I am listed in IMDB as a writer on this project “in development.”

I am way too excited about this, especially considering I didn’t actually do anything to deserve the page other than write the novel.

I immediately texted by screenwriting friend, who doesn’t have an IMDB page yet, to taunt him, but he was annoyingly happy and supportive for me.

I told another friend, but she didn’t know what IMDB was.

She must be living under a rock.

I’ve actually resolved to write a screenplay this year, so perhaps one day a more legitimate credit will be added to my IMDB page, but for now, this is more than enough.

Stop the madness. Allow cell phone jamming technology inside movie theaters.

Software company Toluna QuickSurveys polled 2,000 adults from across the United States, asking them in an online questionnaire about less than savory behaviors. Included in the results was this:

Nearly 60% leave their cell phone on at the movie theater. Females were more likely than men to neglect the off button, at 75% compared to less than 40% for men.

I’m not surprised.

Cell phones have become a scourge of movie theaters. Idiots who can’t stay off their phones for two hours have ruined the movie going experience for many. 

People suck when it comes to their phones.

There is a solution:

Legalize the use of cell phone jamming technology in movie theaters in order to stop these morons from their infantile behavior.

Other than a few lunatics who would claim that they need their cell phones available at all times in case of an emergency (what did these people do 15 years ago when they didn’t own a cell phone?), is there any downside to jamming cellular signals while inside a movie theater?

I don’t think so.

The technology exists. It’s simple to deploy. Why not use it?

Why would anyone ever oppose this idea?

I know of at least one movie theater that has no reception inside one of its theaters simply because of where it’s located within the building, but people continue to fill those seats without complaint (and probably rejoice the freedom from these morons on their phones).

Many auditoriums in my school district possess a similar lack of reception.

What’s the difference between a theater with no cellular service because of unintended construction specifications and a theater that jams cellular service for the enjoyment of those who want to attend the movie?

With some easy-to-purchase equipment, movie theaters could disable cellular technology completely, preventing idiots from texting, making phone calls, accessing social media platforms and more.

Seriously, why hasn’t this happened already?

Extend your story beyond its original screen

If you saw the film Gravity, you’ll love this short film that depicts the complete conversation between Aningaaq, a polar fisherman, and Ryan, the astronaut stranded 200 miles above him.

In the actual film, we see Ryan speaking to Aningaaq, but because Aningaaq doesn’t speak English and subtitles are not provided, we don’t get a complete picture of what is being said, and we never see him.

I think film and television should do more of this. That’s easy for me to say, of course, since I’m not footing the bill for any of these extras. “Aningaaq” cost almost $100,000, and I can’t imagine that the producers will ever recoup that cost.

Still, extending your story beyond the confines of its original screen is a great way to keep it alive in the viewers mind.

The occasionally brilliant, oftentimes annoyingly stupid How I Met Your Mother has done this exceptionally well over the years. The producers have created dozens of fake websites mentioned by the characters on the show, and Neil Patrick Harris’s character, Barney Stinson, even wrote a book (that my wife and I purchased in audio form).

They also extend the show using video. In one of the best examples, it’s revealed in an episode that Cobie Smulder’s character, Robin, is a former teen music star from Canada. Her video is briefly revealed on the show but the full video, plus another, can be found on YouTube.  

It’s one of the best sitcom episodes that I’ve ever seen, partly because of the way the show extended the story into the real world.

Sadly, the subsequent episode was utter banality.

The nightmare of the pre-Internet

Someday I’ll show this video to my children and make them understand how legitimately awful and ridiculous my childhood was.

I don’t like Wes Anderson’s films

There. I said it.

This trailer explains my dislike perfectly. Every trope that’s used in this spoof is every reason why I don’t like his films.  

Monty Python and the Holy Grail: Twenty-first century style

On Friday night I will be telling a story at the Mark Twain House for The Mouth, a Hartford-based storytelling series.

The story will include a mention of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. In fact, the film plays a pivotal role in the story.

Coincidentally, my wife sent me this today: A modern day trailer of the film.

Not nearly as funny as the actual film, but then again, few things are.

Don’t text and drive.

This amazing and devastating documentary from legendary director Werner Herzog should be required viewing for anyone who drives a car and owns a cell phone.

I don’t text and drive. The closest I come to doing so is to read and respond to text messages when stopped at a traffic light, but even this I think I will stop now.

Inside Jaws: A Filmuentary

It took me a week to watch this, but only because it’s the full length movie and then some (deleted scenes, and I’m quite busy.

But if you liked the movie Jaws or you’re interested in how films are made, this is absolutely for you.

Inside Jaws, A Filmumentary by @jamieswb (2013) from Jamie Benning on Vimeo.

Love me a drive-in movie

It’s the 80th anniversary of the drive-in movie theater. From LIFE magazine:

It’s been 80 years since a New Jersey auto-parts store manager named Richard Hollingshead Jr. hit upon the idea of a drive-in theater. The wonder of Hollingshead’s concept, of course — as with all of the world’s greatest, most inspired, most life-affirming inventions — is that, despite how obvious it seems in retrospect, no one had thought of it before. Or, if anyone did think of it before, they hadn’t bothered to get a patent on the idea, as Hollingshead did on May 16, 1933. And no one had the wherewithal to actually envision, build and then open to the public this modern marvel, as Hollingshead and three other investors did when they cut the ribbon on the world’s first drive-in movie theater in Camden, New Jersey, on June 6, 1933.

On the anniversary of that landmark night 80 years ago, LIFE.com offers a series of photos celebrating the ingenious confluence of two of America’s abiding obsessions: movies and cars.

At the height of its popularity, there were more than 4,000 drive-in movie theaters throughout the country. Today less than 400 remain in business.

There are three within 30 minutes of my home.

Pleasant Valley Drive-In Southington Drive-In Mansfield Drive-In

When I tell this to people who live in Connecticut, they are often surprised. Three drive-in movie theaters within half an hour of their homes and no one seems to know.

I don’t understand it.

I consider these drive-in movie theaters a blessing.

When I was a boy, my parents took us to the drive-in movie theater in Mendon, Massachusetts. It is one of two drive-in movie theaters in Massachusetts that remains open today. When I was a child, the theater charged by the person, so my father would stuff us into the trunk and sneak us in to save a few bucks.

Today the theater charges $25 per car.

No sneaking in anymore.

We would always arrive extremely early and eat a picnic dinner before the show. We’d toss a football around in front of the massive screen and watch the stars appear in the sky, one by one, until it was dark enough to show the first movie.

When the film began, we’d climb atop the hood of the car and lean back against the windshield, wrapped in sleeping bags. If the temperature dropped too low, my father would start the car and warm us up by the heat of the engine.

There was also a drive-in theater called The Rustic in North Smithfield, Rhode Island that showed rated X movies. The screen directed away from the street, tempting passersby to try to catch a glimpse of that film as they sped down route 146. The Rustic is also still in operation today, though apparently they have dispensed with their more racy film choices.

When Clara was an infant, Elysha and I spent our summer at the drive in, watching movie after movie while she slept soundly in the backseat. We saw more than 20 movies that year, exceeding my goal of a dozen and proving to naysayers that a child did not spell the end to our movie going past time.

Clara is four years old now and considers almost every movie, regardless of age range, too frightening to watch, so it might be a while before we bring her and Charlie back to the drive-in.

The trouble with Star Wars is that it was historical fiction

I know. It’s blasphemy to even suggest that there is a flaw in the first Star Wars film.

Still, there was. And it takes place in the first ten words:

In these ten words, George Lucas renders everything we are about to see less immediate and less pressing by the fact that the people and events in his story are ancient history. Luke Skywalker, Han Solo and Princess Leia have been dead for centuries, if not millennia. They are historical figures, more distant to us than George Washington and Charlemagne. 

Though I may ultimately be drawn into their story, any dangers that they might face are mitigated by the fact that these dangers passed a long time ago.

Thankfully, Star Wars was great enough to overcome this flaw. Even as historical figures, the characters are vivid and enduring. I can still recall sitting on the edge of my seat as Luke Skywalker flew his X-wing fighter through that trench in an effort to destroy the Death Star, even though that battle took place hundreds or thousands of years ago. 

The story and character were good enough for me to forget the opening scroll completely.

Still, it was a mistake. No need to remove the characters and events from the audience any more than necessary.

Also, and perhaps even more egregious, an ellipsis consists of three consecutive dots. Not four.

Did George Lucas fail to hire a copyeditor?  

Spock versus Spock

I am not exactly a Trekkie. I’ve seen all the Star Trek films and many of the television series, but I have serious problems with the show.

That said, this is one of the best commercials that I have ever seen. 

Raiders of the Lost Ark most overlooked flaw: Indiana Jones need not apply

The most overlooked flaw of Raiders of the Lost Ark is this:

Indiana Jones is superfluous to the story. Had he refused the mission and remained back at the college, the Nazis would’ve found the Ark on their own, brought it to the island, opened it and died the same horrible death.

Nothing changes with the introduction of Indiana Jones to the story.

The story’s protagonist is completely unnecessary.

Still, I love the movie.

Was the destruction of the Death Star an inside job? Also, how did Luke Skywalker dodge the stigma of incest so easily?

If you haven’t seen the recent conspiracy video suggesting that the destruction of the first Death Star was an inside job perpetrated by the Empire, you should.

The video also got me thinking:

Luke Skywalker is one unlucky son-of-a-bitch.

In the span of just a couple years, his father tried to kill him multiple times and he fell in love with his own sister.

And I don’t care if he didn’t know that Leia was his sister. He still thought that she was hot. He still put a move on her. They still kissed. 

How did he manage to dodge the stigma of that so easily?

If I were Han Solo (and I like to think I am), I would’ve never let him live it down.

 

Government with a splash of humor

The Illinois board of tourism created this video in honor of Abraham Lincoln and the attention he will be receiving at the Academy Awards this evening as a result of the Spielberg film.

It’s a bizarre film by any standards but even more so considering it comes from a governmental agency responsible for bringing tourists to their less-than-touristy state.

Government is so often devoid of humor. I love it when someone working in the bureaucratic machine manages to be creative. 

Octopussy

I realize that it was based upon the Ian Fleming novel, but how does the movie Octopussy get made with its original title?

My million dollar deal

When George Lucas visited Steven Spielberg on the set of Close Encounters of the Third Kind in 1976, he was so impressed by the movie's huge sets and Spielberg's vision that he bet Spielberg that the film would become a bigger hit than his own space movie that he was just completing at the time.

The bet was an exchange of 2.5 profit points on Close Encounters of the Third Kind for 2.5 profits points on Lucas's film -- titled Star Wars.

This actually turned out to be a good deal for both men. The money earned from Close Encounters of the Third Kind helped to keep Lucas’s studio afloat in a times of need, and the profits from Star Wars are still being realized by Spielberg today.

My friend and I have a similar bet. Several years ago we agreed to pay 10% to the other person if we ever made one million dollars on a single transaction. My friend is a landlord and property owner and I was school teacher with a dream of finishing his first novel.

It seemed like a great deal for me at the time.

When I told me wife about the bet a few years later as I began publishing novels, she was none too pleased.

Unfortunately, neither one of us has come close to having to fulfill our end of the bet, nor does it look like we will be doing so in the near future, but if I am ever required to hand over $100,000, it won’t hurt too much.

The other $900,000 will be comfort enough.

Ninjas to the rescue. Seriously.

I enjoy the movies a lot, but I have begun to enter movie theaters with great trepidation, knowing that it takes just one moron to ruin the experience.

The idiots who text during the movie are bad enough, and the people who actually make and receive calls on their cell phones make the experience untenable.

Then there are the extreme, albeit seemingly common, cases:

On Valentines Day this year, I found myself sitting next to a couple and their infant. The baby was noisy, cried at least twice, and at one point the couple changed the baby’s diaper while still sitting in their seats.

I don’t care what anyone says. Infants do not belong in movie theaters.

Then there was the toddler sitting in the front row for Cloverfield until the parents finally decided to act responsibly and remove their terrified child from the theater. 

There was the roving band of teenagers who I had to threaten in order to convince them to leave and the time I rallied an entire theater of moviegoers against two women who would not shut up.

All I ask is to watch a movie in peace and quiet, but people seem so willing and capable of screwing this up.

Unfortunately, movie theaters do little to prevent these distractions even as they watch their ticket sales decrease year after year. They have no policy against bringing a baby into a theater and they rarely monitor the behavior of their patrons as they are watching the film. And even if a person wants to complain, it means missing a significant portion of the movie to do so.

I’m happy to report that someone is finally doing something about this problem, and the solution is almost too good to be true:

Ninjas defending your right to a quiet, distraction-free theater.

The Prince Charles Cinema in Leicester Square has joined forces with Morphsuits — a manufacturer of skin-tight zentai suits — to launch an army of volunteer "cinema ninjas" who get to watch the movie for free in exchange for donning a black body suit and pouncing on misbehaving moviegoers from behind the cinema's shadows.

The "ninja taskforce" stunt has been met with critical acclaim, and was recently picked up by two other British movie theaters.

While I would prefer that the ninjas be professionals, capable of actually removing unwanted patrons from the theater (and inflicting a modicum of  pain in the process), this is at least a step in the right direction.  

It’s also the only step I’ve ever seen any movie theater to ensure that their customers enjoy a disturbance-free experience.

I have a few suggestions as well:

1. Install cellphone jamming devices in a designated number of theaters in the establishment and declare them phone-free zones. Even though people went to movies, plays, concerts, sporting events and monster truck shows for decades without the benefit of immediate access to the outside world, I understand that some people feel the need to be connected to babysitters and other outside entities at all times in the event of an emergency. I think it’s a little crazy, but I’m willing to accommodate their need. Place jamming devices in half of the theaters and make the rest jammer-free.
   
   
2. Prohibit infants from all movie theaters except for those showing rated G films.
   
   
3. Prohibit all children 5 years old and younger from all movie theaters after 6:00 PM except for those showing rate G films.     

I think these three suggestions are reasonable in scope and would be fairly simple to enact and would be greeted with near-universal appreciation.

Most important, these three steps (in addition to heavily armed ninjas) would go a long way in providing movie theater patrons the kind of experience that the high cost of a movie ticket should guarantee. 

Tickets prices and fatherhood are not the reasons that I see fewer movies today

TIME reports that “Last summer’s blockbuster movie season was considered a bust, with the fewest movie tickets sold at theaters since 1997. Despite recent hits such as “The Avengers” and “The Dark Knight Rises,” by the time Labor Day rolls around, the summer of 2012 will fare even worse.”

TIME attributes this loss to the rising cost of tickets. While ticket prices may play a role, the average ticket price in the US in 2012 is $8.12. In 1995 it was $4.35.

Has $4 really created a barrier to keep audiences out of the theaters?

Maybe.

I haven’t seen as many movies this year as in previous years, but there is one primary reason why my attendance is down:

A decline in the quality of the movie-going experience

Patrons using cell phones during the film and bringing babies into the theater have created an untenable movie experience for me. While I am still willing to risk these two potential distractors in order to see a movie that I am excited about, I am far less likely to risk two hours of my life on on a less appealing movie if I’m concerned about being confronted by a person texting or talking  in the middle of the movie or a baby sitting next to me.

It’s that simple. These inconsiderate idiots have ruined the movie-going experience for me.

I’ll also add that the lack of television viewing, combined with the fact that everything I watch is time-shifted, has also resulted in my complete lack of awareness over what is playing at the movie theater. There was a day when I would see a movie trailer on television and potentially become excited about the film. Today I only see movie trailers while watching sports, which is the only television program I watch that is not time shifted.

For me, the issue has less to do with cost and much more with the inconsiderate morons who I find myself sitting beside at an alarming rate. When movie theaters are ready to get serious about the actual movie-going experience by eliminating infants from the theater and finding ways to reduce cell phone use (I would not be opposed to the use of a cell phone jammer inside every movie theater), then I will return to the movies with the frequency that I once enjoyed.

The Rocky Horror Picture Show: Sadly, tragically, lamentably not for everyone

After 28 years at the AMC Harvard Square theater, the Rocky Horror Picture Show will move its weekly midnight screenings of  to the AMC Loews Boston Common 19 theater, with shows starting Saturday, Aug. 4.

Though I am sad to see the show move from Harvard Square, where I have seen it many times, I am happy that it lives on in New England. As a card-carrying member of The Rocky Horror Picture Show Fan Club, a two-time performer in the show and someone who saw the Broadway version of the show twice, I am desperately hoping that the show lives on long enough for me to take my children someday.

When they are much, much older.  

If you are not familiar, a midnight performance of the Rocky Horror Picture Show is much more than just a showing of the 1975 science fiction/horror musical starring Susan Sarandon and Tim Curry. It is a live performance that demands audience participation that includes such things as dancing the Time Warp along with the film and throwing toast, water, toilet paper, hot dogs, and rice at the appropriate points in the movie.

Fans often attend shows in costume, while an onstage "shadowcast" act out the movie. Audience members also use newspapers to cover their heads and squirt guns for rain during the "Over at the Frankenstein Place" musical sequence, and use noise makers during the scene in which Rocky is unveiled.

Most prevalent, however, are the call-backs: lines that audience members shout back at the film at appropriately timed intervals. They are often hilarious, occasionally vulgar, and an ever-present element of any midnight showing. Many of these call-backs have been canonized over the years and can be as tightly scripted as any play, though new lines involving recent pop culture references often find their way into the script as well. You can actually buy audio versions of the film that include recordings of the audience call-backs in order to learn them before attending the show.

In truth, none of this accurately describes The Rocky Horror Picture Show. It’s the kind of thing that must be experienced firsthand to be fully understood.

I attended my first Rocky Horror Picture Show in the early 1990’s after arriving in Connecticut, but that show quickly shut down. Soon after, I discovered the midnight show in Harvard Square and began making the trek a few times a year for several years, though it’s been a while since I have returned. 

The problem with the show, or more accurately, the problem with potential audience members, is that the show begins at midnight, meaning that audiences don’t exit the theater until well after 2:00 AM. For someone like me, who lives in Connecticut, this means that I am probably crawling into bed just as the sun is peeking over the horizon  (or not sleeping at all), making it exceedingly difficult for me to find friends who are willing to attend a performance.

As you may know, I am a constant advocate of putting yourself out there, but I am also a frequent complainer about the lack of friends who are willing to drive into the city on a weeknight for a Moth show, arrive home in the wee hours of the morning after a Monday Night football game and are otherwise hampered by an incessant need to be home at a reasonable hour.

For these people, The Rocky Horror Picture Show is an impossibility, even though it runs on a Saturday night. Admittedly, this is partly the result of an aging base of friends who simply cannot stay awake all night as they once could, but it also take a certain type of person who is willing to drive into Boston for a midnight showing of a movie where you will be asked to dance in the aisles, dodge toast and toilet paper, absorb a shower of water and rice and possibly be dragged on stage to perform. 

My greatest hope is that my children will be this kind of people.

Life is a hell of a lot more fun when you are willing to try the ridiculous and sacrifice sleep for the sake of possibility.

A new, perhaps bladder-inspired ending to Tiny Furniture

Has you seen Lena Dunham’s film Tiny Furniture?

I heard great things about this movie, and over the weekend, my wife and I finally had a chance to sit down and watch it.

It’s an excellent movie. The writing is very good, the cinematography, while not visually stunning, is interesting and different, and the acting is excellent. I like Lena Dunham. She’s brave and honest and funny.

My issue with the film is its ending. In fact, it has no ending. It’s one of these movies that make you wonder if the director simply ran out of film or lost the last few pages of the script and decided to yell, “That’s a wrap!” in hopes that the last pithy line of dialogue will be suggestive enough of an ending to allow art house critics and hipsters conjure meaning in their minds while arrogantly assuming that only they are capable of understanding said meaning.

The movie just stops. There is no respect for story arc or even the sense that a story should have some kind of beginning, middle and end.

I can’t tell you how much that annoys me.

Would I recommend that you see Tiny Furniture?

Yes, actually I would. It’s an excellent film.

But do me a favor. Since you will be watching it at home, stop the movie wherever you think it should end. Choose any pithy, suggestive line of dialogue that feels right to you. Or stop it when you need to pee and shout, “That’s a wrap!”

Make your own ending to the movie rather than being surprised like me when the credits begin rolling and you are left wondering what the hell just happened.