Three packages arrived last week. Only one was creepy and sexually inappropriate.

On Friday the first copy of MEMOIRS OF AN IMAGINARY FRIEND arrived at my door, wrapped beautifully and accompanied by a note from my editor. It was the kind of note you tuck away into a box and save forever.

The mailman has been especially good to me lately.

Earlier in the week, I received two other interesting packages.

The first was my official title confirming my status as a Lord of the Principality of Sealand. It’s official. As soon as I have an actual office, I’ll be hanging this beauty up in a place where everyone can see it in hopes that they will start referring to me as Lord Dicks.

 

The second package contained a book that I couldn’t resist ordering after seeing it in a list of the Ten Worst Book Covers in the History of Literature. I was expecting the book to be silly and amusing, but it turned out to be creepy, cringe-worthy and overly-explicit. Sadly, I ‘m going to have to stuff it into a drawer in fear that someone might see it and think the worst.

It was clearly not written with the sense of humor needed to pull this kind of thing off.

In truth, I was hoping to order HOW TO AVOID HUGE SHIPS: SECOND EDITION first, but the cheapest copy on Amazon costs more than $100.

You can heretofore refer to me as Lord Matthew J. Dicks if you would like, because I am an actual Lord. Seriously.

It should be hereby known, with all sincerity, what I am a Lord of the Principality of Sealand and can be referred to as such if you would like. Lord Matthew J. Dicks of the Principality of Sealand

And before you doubt the validity of this Lordship, let me assure you that it is real in every way. Though the Principality of Sealand's legitimacy has been questioned at times, it's long history of repelling foreign attacks and being granted international status by nations like Germany has allowed it to remain standing after all these years.

I won’t require anyone to refer to me by my title (nor will I stop you from choosing to do so), just like I do not require people to refer to me as Reverend Matthew Dicks, even though I was ordained by the Universal Life Church more than a decade ago and have been operating in the capacity of a religious leader ever since.

To insist upon the use of any title would be terribly pretentious, even though Lord and Reverend Matthew J. Dicks does have a nice ring to it.

Actually, I think I’m going to request that my editor to refer to me Lord Matthew J. Dicks. That should be amusing.

It should also be known that although I spent the money to grant me an actual Lordship of this independent nation, I did not pay for my wife to become a Lady, mostly because she thought that my Lordship was a ridiculous waste of money.

She just can't  understand how much joy I have already derived from this turn of events. I promise you that this Lordship was worth every penny.

So while I shall forever be known as Lord Matthew J. Dicks, my wife remains a commoner without a title. Quite gracious of me to extend my hand in marriage to someone so beneath my station. Wouldn’t you say?

Regardless of our marriage, please do not apply the title of Lady to my wife unless she changes her mind and forks over the thirty bucks.