Anatomy of agreement

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First I see Slate’s tweet:

The American way of using a fork and knife is inefficient and inelegant. Here's a better way: http://slate.me/11MPniB

I’m annoyed. The piece already sounds trite and presumptuous. It deals with something as snobbish and unimportant as table manners. I assume it’s written by a Frenchman. 

Then I click the link. I read the title:

Put a Fork in It: The American way of using fork and knife is inefficient and inelegant. We need a new way.

Still annoyed. Seems like a waste of a perfectly good hyperlink.

I look for the author’s name:

Mark Vanhoenacker

Okay, probably not French. Maybe Finnish. Still annoying.

Grudgingly, I begin to read.

Vanhoenacker points out that when using both a fork and knife, Europeans (and everyone else, basically) will keep the fork in their left hand and the knife in the right as they cut and eat their food. But when an American cuts his food, he’ll lower his knife to his plate and then he’ll switch the fork to his right hand to convey the food.

This, Vanhoenacker argues, is both inefficient and a relic of a time when Americans were trying to be more like Europeans (this maneuver was once considered proper table manners in European countries, but no longer).

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Inefficient? How much time could we actually be wasting by switching a fork and knife? Is dinner really going to end sooner if we stop?

And I’m glad that what we do is unlike the Europeans. Good. We’re Americans, damn it. We can use our fork and knife any way we please!

Then something happened.

It occurred to me that as a left-hander, I don’t cut and switch. I hold my fork with my left hand and cut with my right.

I don’t switch.

“Wait a minute,” I thought. “Maybe this Vanhoenacker guy is onto something. Imagine how many times the average American cuts and switches over the course of a lifetime. That can really start to add up. And I’m all about efficiency. I strive for efficiency in every part of my life. Why not at the dinner table as well?”

Then I thought about it a little more.

“And you know what? I don’t want my eating habits to be dictated by some centuries old attempt to be more like stodgy old Europe. We’re Americans, damn it. We do things they way we want. Not the way some aristocrat dictates.  

This Mark Vanhoenacker is a genius

See how easy it is to get me to agree with you?

Piece of cake.

A hard roll is actually soft. You probably knew that already, but I didn’t.

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For the first 35 years of my life, I never ordered an egg sandwich on a hard roll because who the hell would want an egg sandwich on a hard roll?

Except it turns out that a hard roll isn’t hard. It’s soft.

Elysha pointed this out to me when we started dating. We were having breakfast at a local diner and she ordered her sandwich on a hard roll. When I asked her why she didn’t prefer a soft roll, she said that a hard roll was soft.

I thought she was crazy, but it turns out that she was right.

I had been relegated to English muffins, bagels and the occasional croissant for 35 years because some jackass mislabeled a soft roll as hard simply because of its slightly crusty exterior.

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Resolution update: May 2013

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In an effort to hold myself accountable, I post the progress of my yearly goals at the end of each month on this blog. The following are the results through May. 1. Don’t die.

I remain perfect on my most important goal.

2. Lose ten pounds.

I gained a pound. Three pounds down. Seven pounds to go. This is a clear refection of my lack of focus on this goal. Seriously. Ten pounds should be simple.

3. Do at least 100 push-ups and 100 sit-ups five days a day.  Also complete at least two two-minute planks five days per week.

Done.

4. Launch at least one podcast.

The hardware is ready. We designated a location in the house and set up the mixer and the microphones. I am working on understanding the software now. Basically, I understand how to record a podcast and can use the recording software fairly well. I am unsure what to do after I have the recording. How do I get my podcast onto the Internet? Into iTunes? Anywhere else it needs to go? Also, I may need a website to host and promote the podcasts, though this blog may serve this function. Still, a page will need to be created. A logo created. Other details I’m not even aware of yet, I’m sure.

5. Practice the flute for at least an hour a week.

The broken flute remains in the back of my car.

6. Complete my fifth novel before the Ides of March.

Done!

7. Complete my sixth novel.

Work had begun on the sixth novel.

8. Sell one children’s book to a publisher.

Work has begun on all three manuscripts. I’ve decided to revise them all and then choose the one that I think is best to send to my agent.

9. Complete a book proposal for my memoir.

Work on the memoir proposal has begun.

10. Complete at least twelve blog posts on my brother and sister blog.

Seven blog posts published during the month of May. More than halfway to the goal. Two more written by my sister awaiting publication. Kelli finds herself in a position to write consistently for the first time in her life. I’m trying to convince her to write a memoir. The last twenty years of her life have been extraordinarily difficult and would make a great story.

11. Become certified to teach high school English by completing two required classes.

I am now just one class and an inexplicable $50 away from achieving certification. That class will be taken in the summer.

12. Publish at least one Op-Ed in a newspaper.

I’ve have now published three pieces in the Huffington Post and one in Beyond the Margins. I am waiting response on an Op-Ed proposal from a major newspaper as well.

13. Attend at least eight Moth events with the intention of telling a story.

I attended one Moth event in May, bringing my total to seven. For the first time ever, I attended a StorySLAM in Boston at the Oberon Theater. I told a story about the day I lost a bike race to my friend and his new 10-speed bike. I finished in first place. It was my fourth StorySLAM victory.

14. Locate a playhouse to serve as the next venue for The Clowns.

The script, the score and the soundtrack remain in the hands of the necessary people. Talks continue on a new musical as well.

15. Give yoga an honest try.

Though I’m ready to try this whenever possible, the summer might be the most feasible time to attempt this goal.

My daughter, by the day, is taking yoga at her school. She demonstrated several poses to me the other day. This yoga stuff seems strange.

16. Meditate for at least five minutes every day.

I missed three days in May because my son is a pain-in-the-ass and wakes up before 7:00 AM.

17. De-clutter the garage.

Work continues. Nearing completion.

18. De-clutter the basement.

Work has begun. I installed the air conditioners this week, which eliminated three large objects from the basement. I also installed a rolling coat rack for the winter coats and have begun throwing away and donating baby paraphernalia that we will no longer need.

19. De-clutter the shed

Work has begun thanks to the work of a student. I will explain in a subsequent blog post.

20. Reduce the amount of soda I am drinking by 50%.

I failed to record my soda intake in April. I will begin tomorrow.

21. Try at least one new dish per month, even if it contains ingredients that I wouldn’t normally consider palatable.

I tried a new food in May but honestly can’t remember what it was. Also, I liked it.

22. Conduct the ninth No-Longer-Annual A-Mattzing Race in 2013.

No progress.

23. Post my progress in terms of these resolutions on this blog on the first day of every month.

Done.

The limited palate of an illogical toddler

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My four year-old daughter’s palate is currently limited to fruits, bread, cheese, yogurt, a tiny smattering of vegetables and bacon.

She doesn’t know that bacon is meat. 

In truth, it’s not an entirely unhealthy diet, but my wife and I would like to see it expand considerably. We also understand that this is common for toddlers, and in comparison to many, we are fortunate.

Still, it’s annoying.

By contrast, her brother, who will celebrate his first birthday  this month, has yet to find a food that he will not eat.

Earlier this week, we convinced Clara to try a cherry tomato, assuring her that it was a fruit. She took a bite, declared that she liked it, and said that she wouldn’t be taking another bite.

We considered this a victory.  

Usually this is what we see when she tries something new.

The omnipresent coffee culture has officially jumped the shark

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There are ten items in this “10 Tools For Success”  slide show from Jonathan Coleman.

I’m not a fan of the slideshow in general. I think all ten items are fairly ridiculous. The slideshow is either designed to highlight Coleman’s most remarkable qualities or provide a list of attributes that people may or may not have but will certainly not acquire via a slideshow.

But #5 annoys me the most because of its inclusion amongst items like Humility and Humor and Optimism.

Even the most lunatic coffee culture aficionado has to admit that this is taking things too far.

Science supports my wife’s hatred of cilantro and my hatred of broccoli, but she has more credibility than me in food related issues. Unfairly so.

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In speaking about cilantro, Julia Child once said, “I would pick it out if I saw it and throw it on the floor.”

My wife concurs. Though her palate is wide and varied, cilantro is her most despised food item. 

Apparently there might be good reason for this, at least according to research described in the New York Times.

How convenient for my wife and Ms. Childs.

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Of course, when I cite research indicating that broccoli is likely toxic to my system, people role their eyes and ignore my claims. It turns out that the larger your palate, the more credibility you have when citing a scientific reason for not liking a food.

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I’m allergic to mustard, for example but it wasn’t until I accidentally ate a cheeseburger with mustard on it and experienced an actual allergic reaction that some of my friends accepted my allergy as real.

Jerks.

Just because I am a supertaster (verified by a test) with a somewhat limited palate doesn’t mean that broccoli’s toxicity might not apply to me.

So stop rolling your goddamn eyes every time I mention this.

Don’t eat the poor lobster.

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About 200 years ago, the lobster was regarded by most Americans as a filthy, bottom-feeding scavenger unfit for consumption by civilized people. Frequently ground up and used as fertilizer, the crustacean was, at best, poor people’s food. In fact, in some colonies, the lobster was the subject of laws—laws that forbade feeding it to prisoners more than once a week because that was “cruel and unusual” treatment.

This is the opening paragraph of Josh Schonwald’s Slate piece that discusses insects as a viable source of nutrition for human beings. As someone who does not like lobster, I love this paragraph. The food that people are willing to pay six dollars a pound to eat, basically because it’s become scarce, was once considered unfit for human consumption because of the ease by which it could be acquired.

And probably because it’s disgusting.

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Despite how much you might profess your love for the taste of lobster, taste is not the only factor at work here. If lobster were as plentiful as it was two hundred years ago, it would cost a penny a pound and you would be feeding it to your least favorite dog.

Should we be surprised? Name another food that is almost always dipped in butter. If lobster were really so tasty, why the near-ubiquitous need for melted butter?

I love mentioning this fact to lobster lovers and watching their reaction. Some simply ignore my statement entirely, while others attempt to rationalize this unfortunate fact by explaining that the way we prepare lobster today (dropping a living creature into a boiling pot of water) is different than how it was prepared two centuries ago, therefore changing the taste entirely.

For these folks, I have some unfortunate news:

It was previously believed that the lobsters were incapable of feeling pain, and this allowed chefs to drop them into a boiling pot of water while still alive without any moral conundrums. 

New research demonstrates that this is not the case.  

It turns out that not only do lobsters feel pain, but they are capable of learning to avoid pain.

Unless, of course, you drop them into a pot of boiling water. Then there’s no avoiding the agony of death. Just a horrific boiling of flesh and eyes until the lobster is dead.   

Bon appetite!

I have no problem with people eating lobster. While I don’t love lobster and haven't eaten it in years, I’ve enjoyed it the few times I’ve actually eaten. 

Of course, I’m not please to learn that the animals are capable of feeling pain as they are boiled alive. But I’m even less pleased with the way that scarcity and price have changed the perception of lobster. This is not a food that human beings inherently find appetizing. It is essentially an insect that crawls on the ocean floor that must be soak in butter in order to be made palatable.

Eat all the lobster that you want, but please remember that this was an animal once served to dogs and servants because people despised its taste and because it was cheap and plentiful. 

At least acknowledge that you probably like lobster because you were told to like lobster, and you were told to like lobster because it costs a lot of money.

And it’s an effective conveyance vehicle for butter.

No Moth, but a silver lining. Probably too generous. Not quite silver. More like chrome.

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It was a tough day for me. I had originally planned on attending The Moth in New York City tonight. Two friends were going to join me for the trip from Connecticut, and I scheduled to meet two more friends in the city.

But bad weather, a less-than-daring friend, an unexpected wake and car trouble foiled my perfect plan, and I stayed home. I had an outstanding story to tell tonight, and it fit the theme perfectly.

And it turns out that there were only 11 names in the bag at tonight’s StorySLAM, meaning my chances of taking the stage would have been outstanding.

This failure to launch did not sit well with me.

Then I received some great news. Perhaps you heard.

1. The Boy Scouts, the organization that changed my life forever but continues to betray its core ideals and basic human decency by refusing to allow openly gay leaders, is seriously considering reversing its position. I can’t tell you how happy this makes me. I have often questioned and even criticized people who continue to support religions that promote polices that they personally oppose, and for me, the Boy Scouts have presented me with same kind of problem. While I appreciate and respect all that Scouting did for me as a boy, I find myself unable to support the organization as an adult. Perhaps this inner conflict can finally come to an end and I can once again embrace an organization that in many ways served as my father growing up.

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2. Eggs may not be as bad for you as once thought. This is tremendous news for a daily egg eater like me.

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That’s it. Two bits of seriously good news.

Not nearly enough to make up for the missed opportunity, but I’m trying to convince myself that it was.

They can’t win. At least when the critics are stupid.

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Coca-Cola has rolled out a series of anti-obesity ads that highlights some of the measures that the company has taken already to curb obesity, including making calorie counts more visible and packaging more products in smaller cans and bottles.  

Critics of the campaign claim that Coke is mere trying to enhance its image in this time of increased awareness of obesity. These same critics claim that if the company was truly concerned about the obesity epidemic, they would change their product entirely or alter their pricing to encourage healthy consumption, which really means less consumption.

I think these critics are stupid, naïve ignoramuses.

Of course Coke’s campaign represents an attempt to enhance its image. This is the purpose of advertising. It’s why advertising exists.

What would these critics have the company do? Spend millions of dollars on public service announcement instead? Spend money in an effort to decrease sales?

Their suggestions for how Coca-Cola might effect real change are equally stupid. Essentially, critics would like Coco-Cola to stop selling Coca-Cola or sell their products at such exurbanite rates that people would drink less of it.

Sure, this might curb consumption and reduce the total number of calories that customers are ingesting, but Coca-Cola is not a non-profit organization. It is not Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. It is a company that sells a soft drink, beholden upon its stockholders and employees to earn a profit, with a loyal following of adult consumers who can make choices for themselves. 

There’s nothing wrong with a company engaging in advertising in order to enhance it image, and while the measures the company has taken to reduce obesity fail to transform the product into a calorie-free beverage or price is like printer ink or black market hemoglobin, they are legitimate strategies designed to assist consumers who are interested curbing their calorie intake.

Failing to give credit to the company for these legitimate measures makes you look extremist, naïve, uncompromising and ultimately stupid.

The reason why soda drinkers are more depressed than coffee drinkers is obvious.

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According to the research by the National Institute of Health, people who drink four cans or more of soda daily are about 30 percent more likely to be diagnosed with depression than people who don't drink soda. Coffee drinkers are about 10 percent less likely to develop depression than people who don't drink coffee.

The NIH offers no explanation for this phenomenon, so I would like to offer my own:

Non-coffee drinkers (we are most certainly in the minority) continually find ourselves in the midst of conversations with coffee drinkers about coffee. These conversations can range from their need for the coffee, the taste of a specific brand of coffee, the cost of procurement, the location where their coffee has been purchased, the device in their home that produces coffee, the various accouterment associated with coffee and a myriad of other topics surrounding their beverage of choice.

For the non-coffee drinker, these constant bits of communication about a beverage can often amount to a verbal assault on our auditory senses.

Of course soda drinkers are depressed.

We feel left out of these conversations. We find ourselves isolated. We are  in many ways cultural outcasts. We watch drive by dozens of Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts and independently own coffee shops each day, knowing that these are places that bring coffee drinkers so much joy, and yet we find no solace in their interminable presence. They exist as continual, concrete reminders of an ever-growing aspect of our culture from which we are excluded.

Of course we are depressed.  

Most, though, we worry about the future of a culture that makes coffee a primary topic of conversation on a regular basis.

You think I’m kidding, coffee drinkers. You think I’m being facetious.

I’m not.

You never shut up about the stuff.

Of course soda drinkers are depressed.  

Black and gross

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My daughter told me that she was asked to try “gross food” at school today.

“Gross food, Daddy. Black food. Black, gross food. Black and gross.”

I was admittedly concerned at first, unable to conjure the image of what might constitute a black and gross food.

After some questioning, it turns out that she was served olives.

I agree with her opinion wholeheartedly.

It also places her in good standing after my son’s recent traitorous stand on peas. 

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Fat employees receive fewer benefits at Whole Foods

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There are a lot of problems with Whole Foods’ policy of awarding larger discounts to employees with lower blood pressure, cholesterol and BMI.

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There is the issue of privacy, of course. In order to determine what level of discount has been earned, an employee is required to subject him or herself to a physical examination and surrender private medical information to his or her employer. 

There are also genetic conditions and illnesses that prevent individuals from achieving the blood pressure, cholesterol and BMI levels that Whole Foods requires for the highest discount possible. While Whole Foods has attempted to mitigate these concerns by offering specialized consideration for legitimate medical issues, this would require employees to disclose even more medical information to their employer.

Once again, privacy concerns abound.

There is also an apparent disregard to the connection between a healthy diet and the amount of money a person can spend for food.

The research is clear:

The more a person can spend on food, the more likely his or her food choices will be healthy ones. Offering larger discounts to employees who are already exhibiting healthy eating habits only serves to perpetuate the chasm between those who can afford healthy food and those who cannot.

But all of these concerns pales in comparison to the real problem with Whole Foods policy:

It sounds like an incentive policy created by a bunch of condescending, judgmental jerk faces.

The title to this blog post is “Fat employees receive fewer benefits at Whole Foods.” While this sentence was admittedly chosen for its inflammatory nature, it’s factually accurate. It contains no exaggeration.

Fat employees, or employees with elevated blood pressures and levels of cholesterol are granted fewer benefits as a result of their physical condition.

Not good.

Even if an incentive plan is logical and based upon irrefutable scientific research, it can still appear mean-spirited and elitist.

This one does. 

Whole Foods needs to ask itself:

Is rating our employees based upon specific physical attributes and then assigning them levels (designated by a gold, silver or bronze label) sound like a nice thing to do?

No, it doesn’t.

Furthermore, there are so many other ways for Whole Foods management to incentivize their employees to lead healthier lives that don’t involve weighing them, sticking them with needles and dividing them into metallically-labeled levels of achievement.

Rather than a 20% discount on everything in the store, Whole Foods could offer a 40% discount on fruits and vegetables only.

They could offer free consultations with nutritionists and trainers or discounted memberships to local gyms.

They could subsidize the co-pay on an employee’s annual physical.

But categorizing employees by weight and blood pressure for the purposes of offering varying discounts on food purchases?

Even if it works to improve the overall health of the workforce, it’s just not nice, and it doesn’t project the right image for a company that is all about image.

My newfound writing hero

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Katy Waldman has earned my undying loyalty with her recent Slate piece entitled Grapefruit is Disgusting.

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If only she would go after broccoli with the same fervor.

While you should read her entire piece, maybe twice, I thought this particular paragraph stood out above the rest and should probably be nominated for paragraph of the year.

No. Grapefruit is unwieldy, disgusting, and in some cases dangerous to eat. It is indisputably the worst fruit anyone has ever put on a plate.

I have always admired writers willing to take a stand absent any qualifiers.