Someone stole my idea for professional best man and made a movie out of it.

Back in April of 2011, I proposed a new job: Professional best man.

I defined the position, listed my many qualifications, and offered myself out for hire.

Since then, three potential clients have attempted to hire me, only to be stymied by physical distance. Two lived outside the United States and the third lives on the west coast.

But all three were serious about hiring me. 

Last year, I was contacted by a British man who was attempting to launch a similar service in his country and wanted to know if I had managed to land any clients.

This week a friend pointed me to The Wedding Ringer, a Kevin Hart-Josh Gad film about a professional best man.

I’m so annoyed.

The premise for Kevin Hart’s fictional business is a little different than mine. His character offers services to men without friends.

I am offering myself as a second best man. The professional one. The best man that allows your real best man to relax, drink, and act irresponsibly. The best man who understands weddings better than most and will do the work necessary to ensure the success of your big day.

But still, Kevin Hart’s version is close enough. You just watch. People are going to see this as a legitimate business opportunity and steal my idea.

Professional best man services are going to pop up everywhere.

Even worse, why didn’t I think of writing this film? I had this idea long before anyone involved in this movie did.

Maybe I should look at my other proposed jobs and write movies about them before it’s too late.

Grave site visitor and double date companion are just two on my list.

Or maybe professional cuddler?

Great job ideas, but maybe better movie ideas?

Small boy. Big words. Enormous inspiration.

There have been many inspirational speeches throughout history.

Knute Rockne’s “One for the Gipper” speech.

The Saint Crispin’s Day speech from Shakespeare’s Henry V (which sounds surprisingly like the speech that the President gives before the final battle against the aliens in Independence Day).

Winston Churchill’s address to the House of Commons following the evacuation at Dunkirk.

Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream.”

 

And now this.  Unnamed boy’s speech upon learning to ride a bicycle:

The best use of cell phone jamming technology is not being utilized, and I don’t understand why.

In an attempt to ensure safe driving conditions during his commute to work, a Florida man used a cell phone jammer in his car to keep nearby motorists off their phones. 

After two years, Metro PCS reported to the FCC that every day for two years their cell towers had experienced unexplained interference near a stretch of I-4 between Seffner and Tampa during the morning and evening commutes.

The FCC investigated and detected wideband emissions coming from a blue Toyota Highlander SUV belonging to cellphone vigilante Jason R. Humphreys. Humphreys admitted that he was using the jammer, and this week the feds slapped him with a $48,000 fine.

I understand why motorists should not be allowed to use a cell phone jammers. Not only can these jammers interfere with 911 and law enforcement communications, but passengers are free to use cell phones in automobile, and some motorists use their cell phones as GPS devices.

What I don’t understand is why we aren’t deploying jamming technology in movie theaters. Why can’t each individual theater include a cell phone jammer to keep the idiots off their phones during the film? I know many people who no longer go to the movies because of the idiots who text and sometimes even place phone calls during movies. Eliminating the ability to use these devices inside the theater seems like the best use of a cell phone jammer ever.

If you need the phone, go to the lobby. Go to the restroom. There was a time, not so long ago, when going to the movies meant disconnecting from our friends, family and babysitters completely during the duration of the film.

Is it unreasonable to ask that we maintain this same level of disconnection within the actual theater?

Would any rationale person object to the jamming of cell phones inside the theater?

Can someone please make this happen? Or at least create an app that identifies movie theaters where cell service is spotty or nonexistent?

If you haven’t seen White House Down yet, don’t. You’ve probably seen it already and just don’t realize it.

I watched White House Down last night.

I wish someone would’ve told me not to.

If you haven’t seen the film, I strongly suggest that you avoid it. Don’t be fooled by the presence of Oscar Award winners.

They were clearly fooled, too.

And you’ve probably seen the movie already, since it is nothing but an amalgamation of other movies, mostly from the mid-late 1990s.

The number of stolen scenes and tropes is astounding. 

The pitch for the movie, I’m fairly certain, went something like this:

It’s Die Hard in the White House. Actually, it’s Die Hard and Die Hard with a Vengeance in the White House, but get this: We’re also going to throw in a little Armageddon and a little Air Force One, too. Actually, a lot of Air Force One. Then we’re going to steal the ends of the movies Mission Impossible and The Rock (and I’m talking the exact endings of these movies) and insert both of them onto the movie, too, except not at the end. We’re going to use these movies’ super memorable ending moments in the middle of this movie. There’s even going to be a moment from Battleship, too, but that movie sucked, so we won’t talk about it. We’ll just steal it.

I’m sure there were stolen moments from other films, too, but I stopped paying attention when the movie got really stupid, which happened a lot.

Wes Anderson loves yellow, orange and brown. I do not.

I am not a fan of Wes Anderson’s films.

I suspect that it’s because I’m an auditory learner who remembers almost everything he hears but almost nothing he sees.

My wife says that if she were placed in a lineup with other brunettes, I might have a difficult time picking her out. Not true, but she illustrates the point well. Oftentimes, I can’t tell you what clothing I am wearing unless I look down.

My visual receptive skills are lacking, and Anderson’s films are visual masterpieces. Though I know this empirically, his skill and expertise are often lost on me.

Either that or I am not a fan or yellow, orange and brown, which are essentially the only colors that Anderson uses in his films.

If you think I’m exaggerating, watch this video on the themes in Anderson’s films. It’s actually quite interesting, but it fails to note his obsessive use of these three colors, which are on full display in the video itself.

Brilliant writing can be found anywhere.

I read a review of M. Night Shyamalan’s 2004 film The Village the late, great Roger Ebert’s last night.

It’s an absolute brilliant piece of writing.

Here’s an excerpt from it:

"The Village is a colossal miscalculation, a movie based on a premise that cannot support it, a premise so transparent it would be laughable were the movie not so deadly solemn…

Solemn violin dirges permeate the sound track. It is autumn, overcast and chilly. Girls find a red flower and bury it. Everyone speaks in the passive voice. The vitality has been drained from the characters; these are the Stepford Pilgrims. The elders have meetings from which the young are excluded. Someone finds something under the floorboards. Wouldn't you just know it would be there, exactly where it was needed, in order for someone to do something he couldn't do without it.

To call the ending an anticlimax would be an insult not only to climaxes but to prefixes. It's a crummy secret, about one step up the ladder of narrative originality from It was all a dream. It's so witless, in fact, that when we do discover the secret, we want to rewind the film so we don't know the secret anymore."

It’s a good reminder that brilliant writers are not only writing novels, poems, short stories and the like. Roger Ebert’s opinions of films were spot-on, but it was the way in which he expressed those opinions that made him timeless.

Tim Burton apparently agrees: Spite is the best reason to do anything

From the Wikipedia entry on Jack Nicholson (and confirmed on IMDB and several other independent sources):

In 1996, Nicholson collaborated with Batman director Tim Burton on Mars Attacks!, pulling double duty as two contrasting characters, President James Dale and Las Vegas property developer Art Land.

At first studio executives at Warner Bros. disliked the idea of killing off Nicholson's character, so Burton created two characters for Nicholson instead and killed them both off.

I suspect that Tim Burton and I would get along rather well.

IMDB, baby.

There is nothing wrong with taking pride in one’s accomplishments.

I am proud of my fifteen year teaching career, which includes a Teacher of the Year honor.

I am proud of my publishing career, which includes three novels that have been published in more than 25 countries worldwide.

I’m proud of the way that we are raising our children.

I am proud of my own educational background, which includes attending two colleges simultaneously in order to earn two degrees, all while managing a fast food restaurant fulltime, launching my DJ company and working part time in the college’s writing center.

Then there are accomplishments that are perhaps less pride-worthy.

I am proud of drinking my friend, Scott, under the table at our friend’s wedding back in 1997.

I am proud of getting the best of a colleague who engaged in a shouting match with me about eight years ago, forcing him to eventually apologize to me despite my aggressive tactics and name calling.

I am proud of the fact that my son is 19 months old and has never peed on me. This was a legitimate concern of mine when I found out that we were having a boy.

I am proud of once being compared to my friend, Coog, in terms of video game prowess. .

Add to the list of questionable pride is a new one:

I have an IMDB page.

I know. I can’t believe it either. 

The Internet Movie Database is the industry storehouse of film and television credits for actors, directors, producers, writers and everyone else involved in the the making of movies and television shows. It’s been around for more than 20 years and is older than the Internet’s first Web browser.

I received a Google alert that my name had popped up on IMDB. I clicked over the site and found two entries for Matthew Dicks.

“I wonder who these two guys are?” I thought.

The first is a Matthew Dicks who worked in the art department for the 2004 film The Woodsman.

I clicked on the second and discovered that it was me.

Me?

All three of my books are currently optioned for film or television, and  Memoirs of an Imaginary Friend is actually moving along quite well (by the agonizingly slow standards of Hollywood). But Unexpectedly, Milo, is also being worked on by a production company, and I am listed in IMDB as a writer on this project “in development.”

I am way too excited about this, especially considering I didn’t actually do anything to deserve the page other than write the novel.

I immediately texted by screenwriting friend, who doesn’t have an IMDB page yet, to taunt him, but he was annoyingly happy and supportive for me.

I told another friend, but she didn’t know what IMDB was.

She must be living under a rock.

I’ve actually resolved to write a screenplay this year, so perhaps one day a more legitimate credit will be added to my IMDB page, but for now, this is more than enough.

Stop the madness. Allow cell phone jamming technology inside movie theaters.

Software company Toluna QuickSurveys polled 2,000 adults from across the United States, asking them in an online questionnaire about less than savory behaviors. Included in the results was this:

Nearly 60% leave their cell phone on at the movie theater. Females were more likely than men to neglect the off button, at 75% compared to less than 40% for men.

I’m not surprised.

Cell phones have become a scourge of movie theaters. Idiots who can’t stay off their phones for two hours have ruined the movie going experience for many. 

People suck when it comes to their phones.

There is a solution:

Legalize the use of cell phone jamming technology in movie theaters in order to stop these morons from their infantile behavior.

Other than a few lunatics who would claim that they need their cell phones available at all times in case of an emergency (what did these people do 15 years ago when they didn’t own a cell phone?), is there any downside to jamming cellular signals while inside a movie theater?

I don’t think so.

The technology exists. It’s simple to deploy. Why not use it?

Why would anyone ever oppose this idea?

I know of at least one movie theater that has no reception inside one of its theaters simply because of where it’s located within the building, but people continue to fill those seats without complaint (and probably rejoice the freedom from these morons on their phones).

Many auditoriums in my school district possess a similar lack of reception.

What’s the difference between a theater with no cellular service because of unintended construction specifications and a theater that jams cellular service for the enjoyment of those who want to attend the movie?

With some easy-to-purchase equipment, movie theaters could disable cellular technology completely, preventing idiots from texting, making phone calls, accessing social media platforms and more.

Seriously, why hasn’t this happened already?

Extend your story beyond its original screen

If you saw the film Gravity, you’ll love this short film that depicts the complete conversation between Aningaaq, a polar fisherman, and Ryan, the astronaut stranded 200 miles above him.

In the actual film, we see Ryan speaking to Aningaaq, but because Aningaaq doesn’t speak English and subtitles are not provided, we don’t get a complete picture of what is being said, and we never see him.

I think film and television should do more of this. That’s easy for me to say, of course, since I’m not footing the bill for any of these extras. “Aningaaq” cost almost $100,000, and I can’t imagine that the producers will ever recoup that cost.

Still, extending your story beyond the confines of its original screen is a great way to keep it alive in the viewers mind.

The occasionally brilliant, oftentimes annoyingly stupid How I Met Your Mother has done this exceptionally well over the years. The producers have created dozens of fake websites mentioned by the characters on the show, and Neil Patrick Harris’s character, Barney Stinson, even wrote a book (that my wife and I purchased in audio form).

They also extend the show using video. In one of the best examples, it’s revealed in an episode that Cobie Smulder’s character, Robin, is a former teen music star from Canada. Her video is briefly revealed on the show but the full video, plus another, can be found on YouTube.  

It’s one of the best sitcom episodes that I’ve ever seen, partly because of the way the show extended the story into the real world.

Sadly, the subsequent episode was utter banality.

The nightmare of the pre-Internet

Someday I’ll show this video to my children and make them understand how legitimately awful and ridiculous my childhood was.

I don’t like Wes Anderson’s films

There. I said it.

This trailer explains my dislike perfectly. Every trope that’s used in this spoof is every reason why I don’t like his films.  

Monty Python and the Holy Grail: Twenty-first century style

On Friday night I will be telling a story at the Mark Twain House for The Mouth, a Hartford-based storytelling series.

The story will include a mention of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. In fact, the film plays a pivotal role in the story.

Coincidentally, my wife sent me this today: A modern day trailer of the film.

Not nearly as funny as the actual film, but then again, few things are.

Don’t text and drive.

This amazing and devastating documentary from legendary director Werner Herzog should be required viewing for anyone who drives a car and owns a cell phone.

I don’t text and drive. The closest I come to doing so is to read and respond to text messages when stopped at a traffic light, but even this I think I will stop now.

Inside Jaws: A Filmuentary

It took me a week to watch this, but only because it’s the full length movie and then some (deleted scenes, and I’m quite busy.

But if you liked the movie Jaws or you’re interested in how films are made, this is absolutely for you.

Inside Jaws, A Filmumentary by @jamieswb (2013) from Jamie Benning on Vimeo.

Love me a drive-in movie

It’s the 80th anniversary of the drive-in movie theater. From LIFE magazine:

It’s been 80 years since a New Jersey auto-parts store manager named Richard Hollingshead Jr. hit upon the idea of a drive-in theater. The wonder of Hollingshead’s concept, of course — as with all of the world’s greatest, most inspired, most life-affirming inventions — is that, despite how obvious it seems in retrospect, no one had thought of it before. Or, if anyone did think of it before, they hadn’t bothered to get a patent on the idea, as Hollingshead did on May 16, 1933. And no one had the wherewithal to actually envision, build and then open to the public this modern marvel, as Hollingshead and three other investors did when they cut the ribbon on the world’s first drive-in movie theater in Camden, New Jersey, on June 6, 1933.

On the anniversary of that landmark night 80 years ago, LIFE.com offers a series of photos celebrating the ingenious confluence of two of America’s abiding obsessions: movies and cars.

At the height of its popularity, there were more than 4,000 drive-in movie theaters throughout the country. Today less than 400 remain in business.

There are three within 30 minutes of my home.

Pleasant Valley Drive-In Southington Drive-In Mansfield Drive-In

When I tell this to people who live in Connecticut, they are often surprised. Three drive-in movie theaters within half an hour of their homes and no one seems to know.

I don’t understand it.

I consider these drive-in movie theaters a blessing.

When I was a boy, my parents took us to the drive-in movie theater in Mendon, Massachusetts. It is one of two drive-in movie theaters in Massachusetts that remains open today. When I was a child, the theater charged by the person, so my father would stuff us into the trunk and sneak us in to save a few bucks.

Today the theater charges $25 per car.

No sneaking in anymore.

We would always arrive extremely early and eat a picnic dinner before the show. We’d toss a football around in front of the massive screen and watch the stars appear in the sky, one by one, until it was dark enough to show the first movie.

When the film began, we’d climb atop the hood of the car and lean back against the windshield, wrapped in sleeping bags. If the temperature dropped too low, my father would start the car and warm us up by the heat of the engine.

There was also a drive-in theater called The Rustic in North Smithfield, Rhode Island that showed rated X movies. The screen directed away from the street, tempting passersby to try to catch a glimpse of that film as they sped down route 146. The Rustic is also still in operation today, though apparently they have dispensed with their more racy film choices.

When Clara was an infant, Elysha and I spent our summer at the drive in, watching movie after movie while she slept soundly in the backseat. We saw more than 20 movies that year, exceeding my goal of a dozen and proving to naysayers that a child did not spell the end to our movie going past time.

Clara is four years old now and considers almost every movie, regardless of age range, too frightening to watch, so it might be a while before we bring her and Charlie back to the drive-in.

The trouble with Star Wars is that it was historical fiction

I know. It’s blasphemy to even suggest that there is a flaw in the first Star Wars film.

Still, there was. And it takes place in the first ten words:

In these ten words, George Lucas renders everything we are about to see less immediate and less pressing by the fact that the people and events in his story are ancient history. Luke Skywalker, Han Solo and Princess Leia have been dead for centuries, if not millennia. They are historical figures, more distant to us than George Washington and Charlemagne. 

Though I may ultimately be drawn into their story, any dangers that they might face are mitigated by the fact that these dangers passed a long time ago.

Thankfully, Star Wars was great enough to overcome this flaw. Even as historical figures, the characters are vivid and enduring. I can still recall sitting on the edge of my seat as Luke Skywalker flew his X-wing fighter through that trench in an effort to destroy the Death Star, even though that battle took place hundreds or thousands of years ago. 

The story and character were good enough for me to forget the opening scroll completely.

Still, it was a mistake. No need to remove the characters and events from the audience any more than necessary.

Also, and perhaps even more egregious, an ellipsis consists of three consecutive dots. Not four.

Did George Lucas fail to hire a copyeditor?  

Spock versus Spock

I am not exactly a Trekkie. I’ve seen all the Star Trek films and many of the television series, but I have serious problems with the show.

That said, this is one of the best commercials that I have ever seen. 

Raiders of the Lost Ark most overlooked flaw: Indiana Jones need not apply

The most overlooked flaw of Raiders of the Lost Ark is this:

Indiana Jones is superfluous to the story. Had he refused the mission and remained back at the college, the Nazis would’ve found the Ark on their own, brought it to the island, opened it and died the same horrible death.

Nothing changes with the introduction of Indiana Jones to the story.

The story’s protagonist is completely unnecessary.

Still, I love the movie.

Was the destruction of the Death Star an inside job? Also, how did Luke Skywalker dodge the stigma of incest so easily?

If you haven’t seen the recent conspiracy video suggesting that the destruction of the first Death Star was an inside job perpetrated by the Empire, you should.

The video also got me thinking:

Luke Skywalker is one unlucky son-of-a-bitch.

In the span of just a couple years, his father tried to kill him multiple times and he fell in love with his own sister.

And I don’t care if he didn’t know that Leia was his sister. He still thought that she was hot. He still put a move on her. They still kissed. 

How did he manage to dodge the stigma of that so easily?

If I were Han Solo (and I like to think I am), I would’ve never let him live it down.