The Joyful and Effective Use of Condoms in the Latter Years of Life: My latest workshop

I’m hired from time to time to deliver talks and teach workshops on a  variety of topics. I’ve delivered inspirational speeches. Commencement addresses. I’ve hosted conferences and story slams. I’ve taught workshops on storytelling, teaching, writing, personal productivity, and more. And while I’m hardly an expert on anything in particular, I’ve always felt that if given the time, I can be effective on almost any topic. 

The toughest talk I ever delivered was the inspirational address at the end of a policy conference on human trafficking.

It turned out well, but I was not without some trepidation. 

Last night, I dreamt that I had arrived at a weekend retreat, thinking that I would be speaking about the effective use of storytelling in the classroom.

Instead, I discovered that I had been mistakenly assigned a six hour workshop entitled:

‘The Joyful and Effective Use of Condoms in the Latter Years of Life”

Rather than panicking or attempting to correct the mistake, I spent the rest of the dream planning my presentation, finding ways to fill all six hours of the scheduled workshop with informative, entertaining, and persuasive material about condom use in the latter years.  

And by the end of the dream, it was done. Ready to go. And it was good.

I’m a little disappointed that I won’t ever be able to put my plan into action.

Unless, of course, you are a conference organizer and think ‘The Joyful and Effective Use of Condoms in the Latter Years of Life” would be a compelling offering.

If that’s the case, call me. I’m ready to go.

A brilliant way to turn incessant texting into something splendid and amusing

A tweet that I saw a couple days ago:

@DaveHolmes: Right now my friends and I are sending vague texts to the people in our contacts whose names we don't recognize.

Brilliant. Right? I sent two yesterday. Both said the same thing:

Can you believe that guy? Does he really think we are going to believe that?

I have yet to receive a response from either contact.

This is the real reason you go shopping before a snowstorm

Daniel Engber of Slate offers an explanation as to why people behave like idiots before a snowstorm, rushing off to a grocery store that will undoubtedly be open at some point the next day.

The word is hunkering, in the specifically American sense of digging in and taking shelter. It’s the anxious form of self-indulgence, where fear is fuel to make us cozy.

I agree that hunkering is part of it, but I also think there is something even larger at play:

People want to be involved in momentous events. They want to feel like they played a part in a historical moment. By role playing panic – which is essentially what a person does when he or she is willing to wait in an endless line for milk that will be readily available in 24 hours – people feel like an essential part of the oncoming snowstorm. They are like actors, committing to a part that their friends, colleagues and the local media have been undoubtedly hyping for three days.

It’s no fun to be liaise-faire. Being able to remain calm in an actual emergency is a skill that is valued by all, but remaining calm in a fake emergency is no fun for anyone involved. It just makes the people pretending that they are in the midst of an emergency feel stupid or angry or both. It’s like when little kids are running around the playground, pretending that a dragon is chasing them, but one kid just stands there and shouts, “There is no dragon! There is no dragon!”

But there is no dragon, people. New England just experienced one of the worst winters in terms of snowfall ever, yet in my part of Connecticut – which received near-record snowfalls – there was never a storm that kept the roads from being cleared and the stores opened within 24 hours, and most of the time, considerably less than that.

In most cases, the roads were impassible for a few hours at best and the stores never actually closed.

My wife and I never went shopping before a storm this winter – despite the fact that we have two small children who drink a lot of milk and eat a lot of bread – and we were never wont for either item. If you don’t have enough food in your house to survive 8-24 hours, the problem isn’t the storm. It’s with the way you shop for groceries.

If you’re looking for something to panic about, why not make it climate change. I realize that it won’t allow you to go shopping (which also plays a role in the pleasure of pre-storm pretend panic), and you won’t find yourself in the midst of the pretend panicked nearly as often, but at least you’ll be panicking over something that is real and worthy of your concern.

The single greatest death bed regret of Generation X (and maybe beyond) will be this:

On their death beds, the people of my generation will lament the time the spent driving – sometimes daily – from grocery store to grocery store, chasing the freshest produce, the finest meats, the best seafood, and the lowest prices, when they could’ve been spending that time reading, watching a film, climbing a mountain, writing a novel, playing with their kids, or having sex.

My mother shopped in one grocery store for all of her life. She went shopping for groceries once a week. She made a plan. Made a list. Shopped. Moved on with her life. 

Today she would be considered an aberration. An outlier. A dinosaur.

There are grocery stores that have managed to place almost every grocery item you’ll ever need under one roof, and yet people in my generation now prefer to shop in stores that deliberately avoid stocking every item, necessitating trips to multiple stores throughout the week.

It’s insane. 

It seems as if more time is spent traveling between grocery stores and pushing carriage up and down aisles than is spent actually eating the food.

It makes no sense.

There are more than 30 full size or midsize grocery stores within 15 minutes of my home.

Good food is important, but time is by far our most valuable commodity. My generation has chosen to spend a significant portion of its time looking for parking spots, pushing carriages, waiting in checkout lines, and plucking food items off a multitude of shelves in a multitude of stores.

The 90 year-old versions of themselves are going to be so annoyed.

Friendship Application 3.0

Behold the newly-revised Friendship Application 3.0.

Friendship Application 1.0 is more than five years old, and Friendship Application 2.0 is three years old, so it was time for an update.

There have been instances in previous years when it seemed as if someone in my life was on the verge of becoming a genuine friend. This is all well and good, but what if the person turned out to be a Jets fan or a militant vegan or someone who watched five hours of television a day?

I’m not opposed to making a new friend, but I have standards. Thus the Friendship Application was born.

If I feel that someone is on the verge of becoming my friend, I will send an email that reads:

Dear _____________,
Over the past couple weeks, I’ve noticed that we may be on the verge of becoming friends. In order to ensure that you are proper friendship material, please complete the attached application. A score of 100 or above will indicate that this friendship can proceed.

Less than 100 and I will be forced to terminate this potential friendship.

Good luck!

It’s important to note that all current friends are grandfathered in and need not score 100 in order to remain my friends. This is merely an acknowledgement of my limited time and the value that I place on my current friends. A new friend could potentially infringe upon my already limited time with them, so it’s important to determine if the return on investment is reasonable.

Some items of note in regards to my criteria:

• The vegetarian question does not imply that I have a problem per se with vegetarians or vegans (I actually have at least two friends who are vegetarians), but considering my limitations in terms of vegetables, it makes friendship slightly more challenging in terms of finding a place where we can both eat. And I know a lot of vegans who love to talk about being a vegan, which makes me want to stab them with a carrot. 
• In asking if an applicant is a teacher, I am seeking to determine if our schedules will closely align. A teacher with the same summer vacation as me is much more valuable than someone who is working 8-10 hours a day throughout the summer months as well.
• I ask if an applicant is an author and a writer because there is a distinction. An author is published, allowing for discussion and insight into the publishing world. A writer is a person unpublished but still very much appreciated for their knowledge and engagement in the craft.
• Even though I am a Yankees fan, it should be noted that a Red Sox fan can score points based upon my recognition that this rivalry often produces interesting debates and lively banter. The same does not apply to  Jets fans, who are always annoying and downright unpleasant when discussing their teams.
• In terms of golf, you can score points for being a golfer, but actually playing on a regular basis (and therefore being available to play) is much more valuable to me. Some of my closest friends are golfers, but because they only play a couple times a year (for reasons usually associated with the demands of their job or family), it means little to me in terms of available playing partners. I considered adding a question about whether or not an applicant had to ask his or her spouse for permission to play golf, but I didn’t think that anyone who required permission would answer honestly.
• In terms of football, flag football scores more points than touch football because flag football implies a greater commitment to the game. You can also easily transition an attempt to strip a player of a flag into a full-blown tackle, often without much complaint or protest.
• My question regarding an applicant’s weekend wake up time seeks to determine his or her availability. I have friends who profess to love golf, for example, but are unwilling to get out of bed at 5:30 AM on a Sunday in order to play. The earlier you get up on the weekend, the more likely you are available for early morning activities. Some of my closest friends will routinely call or text me at 6:00 AM on any given day, knowing that we are always awake at that hour.
• The question about the all-nighter seeks to determine a person’s sleep tolerance. I am often in search of friends who are willing to stay up exceptionally late in order to attend a Moth event in NYC, a Monday night football game in Foxboro, MA, or even an all-night activity like the Williams Trivia Contest at Williams College in Williamstown, MA. There are few people willing to sacrifice sleep in exchange for attending one of these memorable events. I am always in search of more.
• In terms of martial state, unmarried is preferable to married simply because there are fewer demands on a person’s schedule and greater availability.
• The number of hours per day that an applicant watches television is an indication of the probability of the applicant summarizing the plots of TV shows and the dearth of meaningful moments in an applicant’s life.
• Similarly, a childless person is preferable to one with kids because of his or her increased availability, but having children similar in age to my own children is also helpful and can score you points.
• The number of Supreme Court justices that a person can name is shorthand for an applicant’s knowledge of politics and current events, which is crucial in any meaningful conversation.
• A long distance runner spends insane amounts of time running, so availability is often compromised. Also, I think long distance runners are a tiny bit insane.
• Living in NYC is an asset, as I love the city, am there often, and am constantly looking for company.
• An applicant’s skill level with home repairs is an asset to me, who can’t fix a damn thing. But an inability to conduct basic household repairs does not impede your chances at friendship status. Similarly, an applicant skilled in the technological realm is a potential asset, but having no knowledge or understanding of technology is a disadvantage because it is likely that the applicant will be hindered in some regard or constantly asking inane questions.

Emergency and Evacuation Plan maps should not be designed to produce panic

Just a thought, but perhaps your Emergency and Evacuation Plan map shouldn’t indicate your present position in an amorphous speech bubble that seems to engender a sense of flame, heat, and panic, and shouts the three words with the use of an exclamation point.

The message should be: “You are here.”

This one reads: “AH! You are here! Right next to the fire! The heat! The flames! The humanity! You’re all going to die!”

 

If you want to deny homosexuals the same rights as heterosexuals, you are evil.

After reading about the doctor who refused to treat a six day-old baby because the parents were lesbians, my first thought, which I tweeted alongside a link to the piece from Slate, was this:

Evil scumbag.

And so I starting thinking:

Do I really believe that? Are the bigots who deny or wish to deny homosexuals the same rights as heterosexuals inherently evil?

I think they might be.

Racists are evil. Right?

Denying children of color the same educational opportunities as whites simply because of the color of their skin is evil.

Imposing the death penalty on a person of color while imposing a prison  sentence on white defendant who is guilty of the same crime is evil.

Refusing to hire a person for a job because of the color of their skin or paying them less than a white applicant of equal ability is evil.

Slavery was evil. Apartheid was evil. Jim Crow was evil. Denying any basic human right or equal access to privileges afforded to the majority based upon the color of a person’s skin is evil.

Right?

I think the same probably applies to discrimination based upon sexual preference.

Denying a person the ability to adopt a child or receive medical treatment or marry or worship in a public place or benefit from legal protections afforded to heterosexuals simply because of their sexual preference is not only ignorant and cruel, but I think it’s probably evil, too.

No, I’m sure it’s evil.

There are people – including the evil scumbag doctor who refused to treat the infant – who will cite religious reasons for their discriminatory beliefs, but I have read the Bible cover to cover three times and know that these people – or at least the Christians – are simply cherry-picking the parts of Scripture most convenient to their belief system. The New Testament alone is enough to contradict the Biblical admonitions against homophobia. But even if you ignore Jesus’s command to “Love thy neighbor” or his warning to “Let him without sin cast the first stone,” the hypocrisy required to discriminate against homosexuals while still allowing adulterers and anyone who works on Sunday to continue to live negates any excuse for discrimination based upon Biblical doctrine.

The Biblical excuse for homophobia and discrimination is nonsense.

No, I think discrimination of any kind against homosexuals is evil, and anyone engaging in this behavior or supporting those who engage in or defend in this form of discrimination are evil, too.

Does their evilness rise to Hitler-like levels? Of course not.

This is not to say that these people are not wonderful parents and beloved colleagues and gentle souls who bring warmth and light to the world in many respects, but their desire to deny people basic human rights based upon their sexual preference is evil.

It’s time we start calling it what it is. If logic and reason and common decency isn’t enough to convince these bigots to change their minds and afford equal rights to all people, maybe shame will do the job.

Maybe the label “evil scumbag” will do some good.

Business Insider lists 9 unfair advantages that help people get ahead. I’ve benefited from 5. Physical attractiveness is not one of them.

Business Insider published a list of 9 unfair advantages that help people get ahead.

I have benefited from five of them, though I would argue that some are not as clear as others, and there are a couple missing from the list.

1. A need for little sleep: While it’s true that I sleep less than most people, I also am quick to point out that I maximize my sleep as well, whereas many people waste time and do a terrible job sleeping.

3. The inclination for optimism: While I have been called a curmudgeon on many occasions (and fairly so), I am actually more inclined to optimism. I tend to focus on progress made. I believe that small steps yield enormous results. I say yes to every opportunity, regardless of how ill equipped I may be to follow through on the yes. I believe in my heart that things tend to turn out well over time if you set goals, apply yourself, and work like hell.

This sense of optimism is bolstered by my perspective. When you’ve been brought back to life via CPR twice, robbed at gunpoint, homeless, and been arrested and tried for a crime you didn’t commit, the problems that stymy so many people seem meager in comparison.

“If I’m not dead or in jail, and I have a roof over my head, things can’t be that bad.”

6. The ability to resist temptation: My ability to delay gratification is powerful. This week I replaced my 2002 rear projection behemoth of a television with a $200 hand-me-down flat screen. In the same week, I finally replaced my iPhone 4 with an iPhone 6. Both of these devices should’ve been replaced years ago, but both were still working fine, despite their lack of modern-day amenities, and I have never been a person who needs the latest or greatest of anything.

I am exceptionally patient.

Except when ice cream is involved. 

7. Charm: I denied possessing this unfair advantage, but in discussing this list with friends and family, it has been argued that I possess a nontraditional brand of charm that causes people to like me despite their natural instincts.

It’s true that I have many friends, but it’s also true that when you hate me, you really, really hate me. So I’m not sure.

I’m also not sure if this claim of a nontraditional brand of charm is simply an attempt at a backhanded compliment or a passive-aggressive insult.

9. The ability to selectively ignore people’s feelings: Business Insider explains that those who can ignore someone's feelings when competing against them for a promotion or in a negotiation have a better chance of doing what is best for achieving their goal.

Unfortunately, I can be ruthless when it comes to competition, and I’m quite capable of ignoring someone’s feelings in order to win. It’s not my finest quality, but I can’t deny it.

I think this tendency is also an asset when dealing with my children and my students. There are times when consequences, struggle, and even suffering are critical to a young person’s growth, but all too often parents and teachers are unable to watch children struggle because of the anger and sadness that it engenders in the child.

It’s not easy to listen to your child “cry it out” as she is learning to sleep through the night, but I did it because I knew how important it was for my children to learn to be effective sleepers. It’s hard to impose a consequence on a student that you know how difficult it will be for him or her, but better to stand firm and teach the lesson than allowing a child to believe that this world is without consequences for his or her actions. 

My ability to ignore their feelings, at least to a degree, and rationalize the long term benefits over momentary relief has been helpful in this regard.

In case you didn’t read the Business Insider’s piece, the unfair advantages that I lack are nurturing parents, a photographic memory, physical attractiveness, and connections. My wife has argued that I have an excellent memory, but being able to remember events from your childhood is not the kind of memory that will get me ahead in life.

Two other advantages that I would add to the list (and that I also lack are):

• Born into wealth
• A successful family business

The first almost always allows a person to graduate from college debt free and with a certain amount of capital and security, and the second almost always guarantees a job if needed. Both provide a safety net that only people who have lived without a safety net from an early age can truly appreciate.

Another advantage that I would add to the list is:

• Little concern for the what others – and especially strangers – think of you.

This is a quality that I possess in droves. While I would love for everyone in the world to adore me – and they really should – it’s my disregard for what others think about me that helps me to ignore the clutter that concerns so many people and find the time to excel.

This doesn’t mean that I don’t care if my readers enjoy my books. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want my students or my colleagues to respect me. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want my friends to love me.

It means that I’m able to go out into the world with the confidence that if I am being myself and believe in the decisions that I have made, I don’t care all that much about what others – and especially strangers – think of me. I don’t worry about the state or quality of my wardrobe or hair or car. I don’t spend time or effort trying to keep up with the Joneses. I’m not concerned about what audiences will think about me after I’ve told a mortifying story on stage as long as I’m speaking the truth.

I dare the world to like me for who I am.

This quality has certainly caused me trouble in the past, but more often than not, it has served me very well.   

How to come off as an insecure douchebag

A good rule of thumb: When I tell you how impressed I am with a mutual friend or colleague, and you respond by:

1. Telling me why I shouldn’t be impressed
2. Talking about yourself
3. Telling me why I should be impressed with you

… then you come off as an insecure douchebag. Which you probably are.

Is this something only I experience, or is this a tragically common occurrence?

The mindset of the person who affixes those stick figure family decals to the rear window of their car mystifies me.

I like to imagine the decision making process that goes on in someone’s mind when they make a choice that I think is fairly stupid.

Take those stick figure decals that you see in the rear windows of cars the serve as a representation of a family’s size and composition.

Stupid. Right?

Of course they are.

Yet a disturbing number of people affix these things to their car windows with alarming frequency. This means that there was a moment in a person’s life when he or she decided to purchase these decals and thought that this purchase was a good idea.

What could they have been thinking in that moment?

“I want people parked beside me at the super market to know exactly how many people are in my family, just in case they think all this food is for me.”

“Janet’s minivan has decals like these, and I think Janet is just the coolest mother ever. I want to be just like Janet. I want my kids to love me as much Janet’s kids love her. Why don’t my kids love me like Janet’s kids love her? Why doesn’t my husband look at me the same way he did when we were first married? Was he staring at Janet’s ass at the PTO bake sale last week? How much do these decals cost?” 

“I’m a baby making machine, and I want the world (or at least the people stuck behind me at traffic lights) to know it, goddamn it.”

“Joe and I only had two children, because we are responsible citizens of this planet who only seek to replace ourselves and limit our carbon footprint. I want my vehicle to reflect this philosophy in the most obnoxious way possible.”

“I’m so proud of my family. The kids. The cat. Even my stupid husband. These stick figure decals are the perfect way to show how proud I am.”

“Look! A kind of family checklist that I can stick on my car, so I’ll never forget any of my kids at the amusement park or the laundromat again.”

This is how I survive meetings.

When I am forced to suffer through an agonizing meeting or a pedantic training session (of which almost all are), I stare at photographs like this to prevent my soul from being thoroughly crushed.

Photos like this are like a tiny light in a universe of infinite black. They serve as a reminder that the person speaking will eventually stop, the PowerPoint will thankfully run out of slides, and the hands of the clock will signal my freedom.

I don’t know how I survived meetings before I had children.

A perfect combination of glitter, revenge, and the US Postal Service: My kind of company

Have you heard about ShipYourEnemiesGlitter.com? It’s brilliant.

From the company’s FAQs:

We'll vomit up a ton of glitter and put it in an envelope with your recipients address on the front of it. We'll also include a note telling them how awful they are which will be folded within.

Not the best couple sentences, to be honest. Explaining where the recipient’s address will appear on the envelope (on the front of it) is a little ridiculous, and similarly, explaining where the note will be placed (folded within) seems fairly obvious. Still, these are my kind of people.

I only have two problems with this company:

1. The amount of swearing on their website would seem to limit their customer base while providing little in return. Perhaps they hope that the language would enhance their image as bad ass nonconformists, but the company maliciously sends glitter on customers’ behalf. They are already bad ass nonconformists. The language wasn’t needed.
2. The glitter, unless specified otherwise, is sent anonymously. Anonymous communication is the medium of the cowardly and the stupid. I would prefer that the company require customers to provide a name.   

Nevertheless, I plan on using this service, at least once and perhaps often, and I plan to send my glitter with the appropriate attribution.

The real question is this: Who first?

I suggested a name to my wife last night, and she said no. That doesn’t mean he or she (it’s a he) is out of the woods yet. I simply risk my wife’s admittedly powerful, disapproving stare if I move forward on this target.

But he kind of deserves it. And it’s only glitter…

Your future self wants you to be daring and adventurous. Don’t let the current version of yourself screw things up because it’s cold.

I went to the Patriots-Ravens playoff game on Saturday. Though I love attending Patriots games at Gillette Stadium, it’s not always easy.

I left my house at 10:45 AM and returned home around 10:45 PM. It’s a long day. 

Prior to leaving the house, while I was dressed in my long underwear, my cat vomited on me. This might have happened regardless of my plans for the day, but it happened. It was a thing.

In a sad twist of fate, my friend received word that his cat was dying while we were on the way to the game. On Sunday, his cat was put to sleep.

It was about 15 degrees during our tailgate. We cooked steaks, beans, and loaded potato skins on a propane-powered grill. Less than 10 minutes after food came off the grill, it was cold.

The walk from the parking lot to our seats takes about 30-45 minutes depending upon the size of the crowd at the gates. It’s a battle through hordes of fans, and for a large portion of the walk, it’s uphill. Up about seven ramps to the upper deck and about 75 steps to our seats. By the time we finally sit down, we are stripping off our coats and hats because we are so warm.

The temperature dropped at game time. Factoring in the wind chill, it was about 5 degrees by the second quarter. Beers were freezing. I looked more like the Michelin Man than myself with the layers of clothing affixed to my body.

As soon as the game ended, we ran for the car. Beat the traffic out of the parking lot. Stopped at McDonald's to strip down to civilian clothing, I discovered that my face was seriously wind burned. Then we began the 75 minute drive to my friend’s house and the 45 minute drive on my own to my house.

It’s a sacrifice, particularly when the game can be watched in the comfort of my home.

But I sitting in the stands for the 2015 Patriots-Ravens playoff game, and I will never forget it. I saw and heard things that I have never seen before in a footfall game.

I saw Tom Brady throw a pass to wide receiver Julian Edleman, who threw a pass to Danny Amendola for a touchdown. Strangers embraced me as Amendola crossed into the end zone. I’m not sure if I’ve ever heard the stadium so loud. 

I heard referees announce that Patriots running backs and tight ends were “ineligible receivers.” “Do not cover number 34” a referee announced. It may have been the strangest in-stadium announcement in the history of the NFL.

I saw an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty called on the Baltimore bench. Though I’m sure this has happened in NFL games before, I had never seen it. 

I watched a team come back from two 14 point deficits to win the game, the first time it’s ever happened in the playoffs.

I watched Tom Brady set the NFL record for passing yards and touchdowns in the playoffs.

I watched Bill Belichick tie Don Shula for the most wins by a coach in the playoffs. Next week, I hope to see him break that record.

Sure, I could’ve watched the game from my couch and been warm. Yes, I could’ve eaten a meal that did not go cold in minutes. It’s true, the hours spent traveling by car and foot to and from the game could’ve been better spent (though spending that time with one of my best friends wasn’t exactly a poor use of my day).

But I’m warm now. My belly is full. My face has returned to it’s normal color. And I have memories of time spent with a friend, watching history be made, that I will carry with me forever.

For about half a second, I had two extra tickets for Saturday’s game. My friend, who owns the tickets but was suffering from the flu, sold them quickly. But I had time to fire off some emails and text messages to friends to see if anyone wanted to join us.

Some already had plans. Some were out of state. One was anchoring SportsCenter in Dallas. But a few declined because of the cold. The travel. The effort required. The allure of the stupid box and the couch.

I feel bad for those who stay home for reasons like the cold.

You can always be warm tomorrow. You can take a nap and enjoy a warm meal the next day.  But you can’t make memories like the ones I did on Monday. Sometimes sacrifice is required to witness greatness.

Maybe it’s crazy, but the 99 year-old version of myself wanted me at that game. My future self wanted me sitting in section 323, row 24, seat 5, alongside my friend, cheering on my team as the temperatures approached zero.

I try to listen to my future self whenever possible. You should, too.

Future you is always smarter than current you.

The Professional Best Man: A bride’s best friend, too.

Four years ago, I proposed a new job for myself:

The professional best man.

I was serious about the proposal but less than hopeful about my prospects, but since publishing that post back in 2011, a number of remarkable things have happened:

• Four grooms have attempted to hire me. Two lived in California. Two lived in the UK. Geography and timing (the weddings were taking place during the school year) prevented me from taking any of these gigs.
• Three reality show producers and a documentarian have contacted me about writing, consulting, and/or starring in a series about a professional best man. Two were in the US and two were in the UK.
• Kevin Hart, the actor and comedian who stars in the upcoming The Wedding Ringer (based upon the concept of a professional best man), contacted me and acknowledged that I had the idea first. He did not offer any financial compensation.

So my dream of working as a professional best man is still alive and well, but it’s recently been pointed out to me that I have been missing an entire segment of my potential customer base:

Brides.

Sure, a man might find himself in need of a professional best man, but it’s equally likely (and perhaps even more so) that a bride might feel that her future husband is in need of a professional best man, too.

She may love her man, but does she love her man’s best friend?

Not always.

And even if she thinks that her fiancée's best friend is a great guy, is he competent enough to handle all  of the the responsibilities of a best man? Is he going to remain sober on the wedding day? Is he going to plan a bachelor party that will make her future husband happy while eliminating the possibility of alcohol poisoning, naked women, and police involvement?

If not, I’m your man.

I have met many outstanding best men in my role as a DJ, but I’ve also met many who are too nervous to deliver the toast, too drunk to assist a groom in need, and too disinterested in the role to be helpful in any way.  

Besides, why burden your fiancée's best friend with all of these responsibilities when all he really wants to do is have a good time at the wedding as well?

Instead, hire me. Your professional best man.

What, you may ask, are my qualifications for such a job? They are, admittedly, quite extensive:

• I’ve attended more than 500 weddings as a DJ, minister, guest, groom, member of the bridal party, and best man, so there is little that I have not seen. As a result, I will be ready and able to assist in almost every unexpected or unusual circumstance.
• My experience and expertise allow me to ensure that the band, DJ, minister, photographer, caterer, and any other vendors are serving the bride and groom to my exceedingly exacting standards.
• I have extensive experience in dealing with irritable in-laws, drunken guests, angry ex-girlfriends, belligerent uncles, wedding crashers, and any other potentially disruptive wedding attendee and am adept at deflecting these distractions away from the bride and groom.
• I can deliver an outstanding toast. I am often instructing criminally- unprepared best men on what to say just minutes before their toasts and making them sound quite good.
• I am a skilled party planner and will plan a bachelor party that your fiancée loves while also ensuring that he does nothing that he will regret the next day.
• I possess a wide range of interests and am skilled at ingratiating myself to a wide range of people. I can do jock and nerd equally well and rarely meet someone who I cannot find common ground. We may not be best friends after your wedding, but for the duration of our nuptials, I will be surprisingly likable and chameleon-like in my ability to blend in with your group of friends. And who knows? One of my best friends is a former client. It could happen for you, too.

And what if you want to hire a professional best man but your fiancée has a friend who also wants the job and would be upset to learn that you went with a professional?

No problem. Simply have two best men.

One who will get drunk during the cocktail hour, hit on one of the bridesmaids during photos, deliver a humorless speech, and forget to end it with an actual toast.

The other will not drink at your wedding (except if he is capping off an amusing and heartfelt toast), will keep you fiancée's best interests in mind at all times, and is skilled and experienced enough to ensure that everything goes smoothly on your wedding day.

Doesn’t your fiancée you deserve another friend on his wedding day? A friend absent of personal needs and petty grievances. A friend who will guide him through and past every awkward, annoying, unfortunate, and potentially disastrous moment of your wedding.

Don’t you deserve the services of a professional on your wedding day?

A professional best man.

Best Christmas gift ever. Someone strongly hint about this to my kids when they are old enough to understand.

Christmas is over, but how about a one last bit of Christmas cheer? And maybe even a tear or two?

You’re going to love this. Unless it makes you feel like a terribly inadequate son or daughter, which is possible.

Risk it. It’s worth it. 

If Newington, Connecticut ever wants a new slogan, it has many options, including a serial killer and a lot of coffee.

I live in the town of Newington, Connecticut. Our town’s slogan, at least according to our seal, is Growth & Progress.

This is a fine slogan, I guess. The two words are similar, so it’s kind of like putting a hat on a hat. But still, it’s fine.

However, if the town is ever looking to update the slogan, I would like to offer a few suggestions.

Newington: There are seven Dunkin Donuts in this damn town. Seven!

Newington: Closer to West Hartford Center and Blue Back Square than many parts of West Hartford, but with considerably lower property taxes.

Newington: You’re never more than fifteen minutes from every big box store on the planet.

Newington: Home of the smallest natural waterfall in the country. That’s right, people. The smallest.

Newington: There is a sentence on our Wikipedia page that reads, “Newington Public Schools operates public schools in Newington.” Obviously not written by a Newington High School graduate.

Newington: Home of Amy Archer-Gilligan, nursing home proprietor and serial killer

Newington: A town that refuses to include noted author and raconteur Matthew Dicks amongst its list of Notable People on its Wikipedia page.

Michael Lewis wants women to rule Wall Street. I would like to take his thesis about a million steps further.

Michael Lewis has Eight Things I Wish for Wall Street. Blogger Jason Kottke highlighted #2 on his blog: 

2. No person under the age of 35 will be allowed to work on Wall Street.

I like this one a lot, but I like #3 even better:

3. Women will henceforth make all Wall Street trading decisions.

Men are more prone to financial risk-taking, and overconfidence, and so will be banned from even secondary roles on Wall Street trading desks -- though they will be permitted to do whatever damage they would like in their private investment accounts. Trading is a bit like pornography: Women may like it, but they don't like it nearly as much as men, and they certainly don't like it in ways that create difficulties for society. Put them in charge of all financial decision-making and the decisions will be more boring, but more sociable. Of course, this raises a practical question: How will our society find enough women older than 35, with no special intellectual ability, to fill all of Wall Street's trading jobs? Well ...

I would like to take it one step further. Or a million steps further. 

I believe that the world would be a far better place if women were in charge. Therefore, I would support the immediate replacement of all male members of the House of Representatives and the Senate with women. 

I’d do the same with every state governor, and if I could, every mayor as well.

I would also support the immediate replacement of the all of the male CEOs of all of the Fortune 500 companies with women.

I routinely charge my female students with the task of charging forward and taking over the world. I tell them that I will be disappointed if women are not ruling this country, if not the world, by the time I am a spry 100 years old. 

I suspect that Michael Lewis would agree.

I’m going to disagree with “I’m going to push back on that a little.”

“I’m going to push back on that a little.”

A phrase that seems to unfortunately be gaining in popularity, most often used by wishy-washy, namby-pamby cowards who are either:

1. Afraid of offending the speaker.
2. Afraid of taking the opposing position in the event that the speaker verbally obliterates that position.
3. Incapable of an original idea of their own..

“I’m going to push back on that” allows a person to disagree without taking an actual stand.

“I’m going to push back on that” allows a person to question to opinions and ideas without have an opinion or idea of their own.

“I’m going to push back on that a little” is the passive-aggressive way of saying, “I disagree with you” or “You’re wrong” or “I think you’re full of hooey!”

So let’s just stop using that ridiculous phrase. Okay?

Take a stand, damn it. Express an actual opinion. Defend a position. Choose your hill and die upon it if necessary.

Be anything but a passive-aggressive wimp.

I have 15 jobs. So you probably require my services in one way or another.

As the New Year approaches and the endless possibilities of the coming year loom on the horizon, I always like to take a moment and reset my current occupational status, in the event that you or someone you know will require my services in 2015.

While occupations like teacher and writer seem like fairly obvious inclusions on the list, there are also several less obvious jobs on the list that may seem a little silly at first, but let me assure you that they are not.

Many people thought it was silly back in 1997 when my friend and I decided to become wedding DJs, even though we had no experience, equipment, or knowledge of the wedding industry whatsoever. We simply declared ourselves wedding DJs, bought a pile of equipment that we didn’t know how to use, and began the search for clients.

Nineteen years and more than 400 weddings later, we’re still in business.

The same could be said about my decision to become a minister in 2002. Or a life coach back in 2010. Or a professional best man in 2011. Or last year’s declaration that I was a public speaking coach. Or last week’s announcement that I am now a presentation consultant.

All of these positions have either become profitable ventures or at least received interest from potential clients.

The lesson: If you want to do something, just start doing it.  

So here is a list of my 14 current occupations and an explanation of my services. I hope I can be of service to you in 2015. 
______________________

Teacher. Sorry. I’ve got a job teaching already, and I love it.

But in about four years, a partner and I plan on opening a one-room schoolhouse for students grades K-5, so if you’re looking for a school for your child at that time (or looking to donate money to build the school), contact me.

Writer: In addition to writing novels, I’ve also written a memoir, a book of essays, a rock opera, a tween musical, and a screenplay. I’m also the humor columnist for Seasons magazine.

     

I’m always looking for additional writing gigs, in particular a regular opinion column and/or advice column, so if you have a writing job in need of a good writer, contact me.

Wedding DJ: My partner and I are entering our 19th year in the business. We’ve have entertained at more than 400 weddings in that time. We’ve cut back on our business in recent years, ceasing to advertise or even maintain a respectable website. Almost all of our business these days comes through client or venue referrals, as we prefer.

If you’re getting married and need a DJ, contact me. 

Storyteller and public speaker: I deliver keynote addresses, inspirational speeches, and talks on a variety of subjects including education, writing, storytelling, productivity, and more. I’m represented by Macmillan Speakers Bureau.

I’m also a professional storyteller who has performed at more than 60 storytelling events in the last three years and has hosted story slams for literary festivals, colleges, and more. I’m a 15-time Moth StorySLAM champion and GrandSLAM champions whose stories have appeared on The Moth Radio Hour and This American Life.

If you need someone to entertain, inspire, inform, or emcee, contact me.  

Founder and producer of Speak Up: My wife and I produce a storytelling show called Speak Up. We are based in Hartford at Real Art Ways with additional shows at venues throughout the region, including local schools and The Mount in Lenox, MA.

If you have an audience that would be interested in storytelling, or you’re a storyteller looking to pitch a story for one of our shows, send an email to speakupstorytelling@gmail.com.

Minister: In the past ten years, I’ve married 13 couples and conducted baby naming ceremonies and baptisms. I’ll be marrying two more couples in 2015.

If you’re getting married and are in need of a minister, contact me. 

Life coach: In the past four years, I’ve worked with four different clients, assisting them in everything from goal setting to productivity to personal relationships to career development.

If you’re looking to make changes in your life and become a happier and more successful person, contact me.  

Tutor: I tutor students in grade K-12 on everything from general academics to college essay writing.

If you’re the parent of a student in need of academic support, either regularly or occasionally, contact me.

Storytelling and public speaking coach: For the past two years, I’ve been teaching storytelling workshops and coaching storytellers on an individual basis. People often take my workshops in hopes of performing in storytelling shows and competing in story slams, but they also take these workshops to improve job performance, enhance communication skills, and get their friends and family to finally listen to them.

My real mission is to eliminate the scourge of PowerPoint from this planet, one story at a time.

If you’d like to improve your storytelling, public speaking, and/or communication skills, send an email to speakupstorytelling@gmail.com and get on our mailing list. 

Writing camp coordinator and instructor: Last year my wife and I launched Writer’s Abroad, a four week long summer writing camp for students ages 11-16. We had an outstanding inaugural season and plan on an even better second year in 2015.

If you are the parent of a child ages 11-16 who loves to write and/or could benefit from four weeks of intensive writing instruction designed to improve skills and inspire writers, this camp may be for you. Contact me.

Presentation consultant: Since posting about this position a week ago, I have heard from two people who have expressed interest in hiring me for their fairly new companies at some point in the future. I may also have the opportunity to take on a partner in this business.

If you are a person who delivers content via meetings, presentations, workshops, etc. and would like to improve your communication skills, contact me.

Professional Best Man: Since posting about this position on this blog in 2011, four grooms and two reality television producers have inquired about hiring me for their weddings and television shows that are wedding related. Geographical constraints forced me to reject all their offers thus far. I am still awaiting my first gig.

Productivity consultant: Since posting about this position on this blog in 2013, I’ve had one inquiry about my services.

If you would like to become a more productive person in your personal or professional life and are willing to make changes in order to achieve this goal, contact me.

Professional double date companion: Since posting about this position on this blog in 2011, I have had no inquiries. That does not mean the job is a failure. Just that it has yet to succeed.

If you’re dating someone for the first time or have been on several dates and need that important second or third opinion on the person in question, contact me.

Professional gravesite visitor: Since posting about this position on this blog in 2011, I have had no inquiries. That does not mean the job is a failure. Just that it has yet to succeed.

If you have a gravesite in Connecticut in need of visiting, contact me.

Good news and not bad news regarding my idea for an MRI boutique

I had a brilliant idea: An MRI boutique. Get preventively scanned at your leisure. As often as you’d like. Monthly if you think it’s necessary.

Then a kind reader pointed out that this business model already exists.

At least one does. In Orange, California.

The building is more modern than I had envisioned, but they offer the same services that I had proposed and for about the same amount that I thought it might cost: $600.

For the record:

The news that this business model already exists doesn’t make my idea any less original or brilliant.

Just more viable.