Unfair assumption #12: People who purchase and use amateur fireworks lack intelligence and do not value their fingers appropriately.

People who purchase and use amateur fireworks lack intelligence and do not value their fingers appropriately. This unfair assumption may have more to do with my fear of exploding objects, the typically unimpressive nature of amateur fireworks and the frequency at which amateur fireworks and alcohol are combined, but I don’t think so.

Unfairly or not, I tend to think that people who are launching amateur fireworks in their backyards are morons.

Here’s a bit of visual evidence to prove my point:

You can find all of my unfair assumptions here.

Unfair assumption #11: People who tell you that a tomato is actually a fruit are actually some of the most pedantic and annoying people on the planet.

People who tell you that a tomato is actually a fruit and a banana is actually a berry are actually some of the most boring, pedantic and annoying people on the planet.

You can read my previous ten unfair assumptions here.

Unfair assumption #10: Americans who follow the machinations of the British royal family are stupid.

Americans who follow the machinations of the British royal family, including their marriages, pregnancies, divorces, affairs, baby bumps, drug scandals, fashion pas and the like are stupid. Harsh, I know. Probably unfair, too.

In all likelihood, there are many people who are both intelligent and intrigued by the British royal family.

Very smart people do very stupid things all the time.

It’s practically my modus operandi.

Unfair assumption #9: Women who don makeup before heading to the gym are suffering from traumatic brain injury.

Women who don makeup before heading to the gym are suffering from traumatic brain injury. This is truly unfair.

Just because a person does something incredibly stupid doesn’t mean that the person is incredibly stupid.

I am a living testament to this rule.

Unfair assumption #8: The grown men in the audience of the Glee: The 3D Concert Movie are not friendship material for me.

The grown men in the audience of the Glee: The 3D Concert Movie, who were overjoyed and in some cases genuinely euphoric over performance taking place on stage, are not likely friendship material for me. First, let me make it clear that I did not watch the Glee movie. I was flipping through the HBO channels when I stumbled upon the concert and stopped only because I saw one of these grown men, fist in the air, tears in his eyes as he sang along with Glee’s version of Don’t Stop Believin’.

I had to stop. I couldn’t help myself.

I’m also familiar with Glee. My wife and I watched the first season of the show, but I did not like it. I thought that the music was highly overproduced and inauthentic within the context of the show, making it unwatchable for me. Still, I know many people who watch Glee and like it a lot (including my wife). I have no qualms with someone appreciating the show.

I can even understand a grown man attending this kind of concert. In 1989 I brought my sister to a New Kids on the Block concert, and though I was not a fan of the band, I had to admit that they put on a good show.

Ten years later I brought a niece to a Britney Spears concert, which was expectedly atrocious. Spears lip-synced the entire show and oftentimes seemed disinterested and distracted on stage. On my way to the men’s room, I passed the father of one of my former students. We stopped, made eye contact, and I said, “Let us never speak of this moment.”

“Agreed,” he said and we went our separate ways.

Still, there’s nothing wrong with a father taking his daughter to a concert.

There’s even nothing wrong with a grown man wearing a “Gleek” tee-shirt and jumping up and down, screaming the songs at the top of his lungs at a Glee concert.

I won’t even criticize the tears in the eyes of some of these men or the sheer euphoria that some of these men experienced during the five minutes that I was watching the concert.

It wouldn’t be my reaction to this kind of performance, but to each his own.

I just can’t see me and any of these men being friends someday. At best, I would be required to make fun of them for their obvious obsession on a  daily basis, and while many male relationships are rooted in constant ribbing, this would probably be too much.

Ironically, they might make great characters in the kinds of books that I write. While I can admire their willingness to be themselves and brave the mocking of jerks like me, it’s just not enough to make me want to play poker or golf with them anytime soon.

Unfair assumption #7: People who fight over merchandise in Walmart on Black Friday are clearly the scum of the Earth.

People who fight over merchandise in Walmart on Black Friday are clearly the scum of the Earth. But after watching these videos, I have to ask: Is this assumption really unfair?

Unfair assumption #6: If you have your own diamond guy, there is little chance that we could ever be friends.

A woman at a recent book event was complimented by another woman for the diamond necklace that she was wearing. She thanked the woman for the compliment, and her  husband, who was standing alongside her, explained that his diamond guy designed it especially for his wife. If you have your own diamond guy, there is little chance that we could ever be friends.

Unfair assumption #5: People who back into parking spots are at best irrational and more likely insane.

People who back into parking spots are at best irrational and more likely insane. This might be the least unfair of the assumptions that I have written about so far.

Unfair assumption #4: Men who own ferrets are immature and likely unemployable.

Men who own ferrets are immature and likely unemployable. I have no such assumptions about women who own ferrets, probably because I have never met a woman who owned a ferret.

The lack of female ferret ownership may say a lot about post-adolescent ferret ownership in general.

Still, I know. It’s a terribly unfair assumption.

But what adult wants to own a ferret?

Unfair assumption #3: People who watch television shows like The Jersey Shore must be morons.

People who watch television shows like The Jersey Shore and Keeping Up With The Kardashians must be morons. It’s especially unfair since I have never actually watched a single episode of either of these shows.

I’m sure there are some perfectly intelligent and highly educated people who watch this show, but in defense of my assumption, I have yet to meet one.

Unfair assumption #2: Smokers are not as smart as nonsmokers.

Smokers are not as smart as nonsmokers. Considering the addictive nature of nicotine and the deliberate manipulation of nicotine levels by tobacco companies. this was an assumption that never seemed fair to me. Though I never tried smoking, I know how easily a person can become addicted to smoking if they decide to experiment with it at a young age.

Nevertheless, I’ve always thought that smokers weren’t as smart as nonsmokers.

It turns out my assumption might not be so unfair after all.

Researchers have found that smokers have lower IQs than those who abstain, with intelligence decreasing the more one smokes.

A study of 18 to 21-year-old men revealed that the IQs of smokers averaged 94 – seven points lower than non-smokers on 101.

The study also measured effects in twin brothers – and in the case where one twin smoked, the non-smoking twin registered a higher IQ on average.

This study was first published in 2010, and it has been repeated multiple times since then with similar findings.

This does not mean, of course, that all smokers are less intelligent than nonsmokers. This is the part of my assumption that remains unfair. There are some highly intelligent people in the world who smoke.

But it’s apparently not as unfair as I once thought to assume that in general, smokers are a less intelligent group of people as a whole.

What I would like to see next is research on the intelligence of people who have quit smoking versus those who continue to smoke. I assume, perhaps unfairly, that the smokers who eventually quit are more intelligent than the smokers who do not, but I’m not sure if a person’s ability to overcome addiction is related to IQ.

But I think it might be.